Homeschooling Failures I Have Known — and What Can Be Learned from Them

Family A chose homeschooling because their children were lagging behind in public school, and their homeschooled cousins were excelling. After only one year at home, the A. children were returned to public school and Mrs. A. vowed she would never homeschool again. What went wrong? Plenty. The high-school-aged student thought homeschooling to be the most boring year ever — sitting around all day, every day, “just reading books.” The upper elementary and middle school students tried to do their work at the kitchen table, while the preschool-aged siblings climbed all over them, chasing after the (many) other preschoolers and toddlers that Mom was babysitting. (The home’s arrangement put the kitchen table in the middle of the little ones’ main play area.)
Very little discipline, poor curriculum choices, and no outside support made for an unpleasant homeschooling experience. However, when these children did return to public school, they had advanced two grade levels to be at least equal with their peers (showing there are benefits to even disorganized homeschooling).
Lessons to Be Learned: Seek advice from experienced homeschoolers on matching curriculum to your students; allow your students to have input on what specific interests they would like to pursue. Set aside time for interaction with other homeschool families — you will all benefit from the fellowship. Do not over-commit yourself at the same time that you are learning to homeschool — homeschooling is a full-time job all by itself. Do not give up right after you’ve learned how to do this job — the first year is the toughest.

Family B homeschooled from Kindergarten onward, attempting to cover every possible subject for which there was curriculum available. Dad was self-employed, so Mom was also assisting in managing the responsibilities of a small, but growing, enterprise. Dad was a firm disciplinarian (read: control freak). Every few years Dad insisted on sending the kids to private Christian school for a year to be sure they were not missing anything. Mom would have preferred the consistency of continuous homeschooling, but gave in because she was constantly on the verge of a breakdown.
Lessons to Be Learned: Do not attempt to Do It All — this family overwhelmed themselves by trying to do too many unnecessary things and sacrificing their more important family relationships. Do not underestimate your ability to educate your children — they may not be learning exactly what other children are learning, but your children are learning the things that are important to your family. When all else seems to fail, re-evaluate your standards: are you putting forth your greatest effort toward the things you consider to be the most important?

Family C was anxious to keep up with the other homeschoolers at their church, so they began Kindergarten with their barely-4-year-old. When I met them a year later, that student was in first grade and the next-in-line was now doing Kindergarten. The two toddlers were normally active, but Mom was so enthusiastic about doing history, science, and many other extra classes with her students that she did not always keep a close eye on the younger children (who therefore constantly got into trouble). Mom eventually gave up and put the students into Christian school. I should mention that Mom was also working part-time outside the home during all this — while Dad’s income alone was more than adequate to support the family. They were planning to try homeschooling again later on when Dad’s job transferred him for a year to an area with inadequate schools, but I have lost contact with them and have not heard how that went.
Lessons to Be Learned: Once again, do not attempt to Do It All. More intense subjects (such as history and science) cannot be retained efficiently by younger learners; save them until the students have mastery of reading (at least 4th grade). History and science activities can be done occasionally to supplement other subjects, but save the formal lessons for later. Include your toddlers in your schooltime by giving them their own “school activities,” whether directly related to the lessons or not.

Family D homeschooled for several years, dual-enrolling their children in public school for extra-curricular classes and activities. Mom spent most of her time driving to the school (then back) to deliver each of her children in turn for lessons, practices, and performances. The oldest child entered high school and enrolled in even more classes and spent many hours at the school each day. The D. family has not really failed at homeschooling itself, but these children are spending ever-increasing time with public school peers and are readily adopting the prevalent attitudes and (anti-) social behavior. The siblings are mouthy, disrespectful, and frankly, no fun to be around. I used to really like these kids.
Lesson to Be Learned: The point of homeschooling is to give our children a better environment and a better education. (How can that happen if you keep putting them right back into public school?)

Family E wanted to “sample the homeschool movement,” so their last child at home was to be homeschooled for one year only, and then returned to public school. They used the school’s curriculum, but also added several extra Bible-based programs in order to get what they considered to be “the best of both worlds.” Another example of trying to do everything at once, the E. family happily (and exhaustedly) turned back to the government system after their one-year trial. Refusing to call this a failure, they instead consider themselves to have been true homeschoolers.
Lesson to Be Learned: I personally consider this family’s experiment to have been as much fad-behavior as wearing stick-on tattoos, and I feel they got the same long-lasting benefits. Know why you are homeschooling. You will get out of it what you put into it.

Family F was similar to Family A, in that they had a very active toddler vying for the attention that the older siblings were getting during schooltime. Mrs. F. (like so many other eager new homeschoolers) wanted to jump right in and do every subject imaginable. Mom spread herself much too thin, felt over-obligated with the schoolwork and guilty for neglecting the toddler, and convinced herself after a year that public school was a better alternative. Mrs. F. deeply misses the relationship with her older children, but is now happily spending more time with her youngest. I still hope she will try homeschooling her children again when the youngest is ready for school.
Lesson to Be Learned: Avoid trying to Do It All, include your little people at their own level, and do not consider yourself a failure simply for over-committing yourself.

Guilt-Free Homeschooling is achieved by
1) Doing what God has asked you to do, not what all of your friends or relatives are doing or may expect you to do.
2) Spending some time reflecting on all your reasons for educating your children at home and writing those reasons down so you can look back over them whenever you need a reminder.
3) Looking after your own family’s needs first and only extending your efforts to others as you have the time, energy, and resources to do so. (Your own family should not suffer because you are taking care of others’ needs instead of theirs.)
4) Reserving time occasionally for your family to interact with other homeschooling families (Moms, Dads, and children) — for educational activities, for fellowship, for support, or just for fun.

When Children Mispronounce Words

Every Mom’s living nightmare: your little boy has finally begun talking; he toddles out to greet the grandparents/friends/neighbors and show them his favorite toy truck; you prompt him (or he volunteers) to show off his newfound speech; he substitutes the “tr” at the beginning of the toy’s name with “fw” and you find yourself embarrassed beyond comprehension. I am using a boy in this illustration simply because girls more often have a baby doll as their favorite toy and “baby” is much easier to pronounce. Girls can have equal difficulty with pronouncing certain sounds.

If you have acquaintances or family members who jump at the chance to turn everything into an off-color joke, you know you want to avoid this scene at any cost. The poor child has no idea why everyone is suddenly laughing and pointing fingers at him, or worse, scolding him for committing such a grievous sin. He is confused because he thought he was doing a good thing — speaking. His parents had just been begging him to talk; now he did and got punished (or humiliated) for it. What a confusing world!

Some children develop difficulty with pronunciation later on when they begin losing baby teeth and gaining adult teeth. Simple physics can explain this one: suddenly the child has some very large teeth in a still small mouth. It is the same principle as putting a family of six into a sedan. They do fit, but it is a tighter squeeze than if they were in a roomy minivan. Imagine those family members rapidly growing from T-ball players to football-team-starters and you will see my point even better.

Children will often outgrow speech difficulties as they gradually “grow into” their teeth, but we can also help them in the process by extending patience and loving instruction. Illustrate the letters and sounds present in the word and make sure the child knows how the word is supposed to sound. Get out the dictionary and look it up together — that way Webster is the authority of record, not just Mom. Lovingly coach the pronunciation practice, do not become the Dictatorial Tyrant of Corrections who inflicts fear of public speaking into anyone within earshot. Instill confidence in the child that he is not destined to a life of sounding like Elmer Fudd: he can and will learn to speak correctly, it will just take practice, and you will be there to help him every step of the way.

When my children had difficulty pronouncing words, I tenderly explained to them how it is important to be able to pronounce words correctly, since that is where most people get their first impressions of us: from our speech. Then I wrote out the word and we discussed all of the sounds made by the letters, including (when necessary) how some letters may make different sounds in other words, but sound this way in this word. Next I had them practice saying the word correctly, assuring them that I was not making fun of the way they pronounced it, nor was I “picking on them,” but trying to help them learn a difficult but necessary task. Usually, the faulty pronunciation was rooted in haste — the child had “heard” the word incorrectly, began pronouncing it incorrectly, and got into a bad habit. I had further reinforced that bad habit by not correcting the problem sooner, and I apologized to my child for my neglect. Now we were taking the time and effort to fix it, and things worked out well. We repeated this process — successfully — many times over, with no hurt or embarrassed feelings.

My son used to pronounce the word weapon as “weapond.” I showed him that there is no “d” on the end, and explained that it should not sound like “second.” It took several gentle reminders for him to begin catching and correcting himself, especially because he was usually enthusiastically telling me about his favorite subject!

Before he began reading, he had a few other mispronunciations. Those are more difficult to correct, just because the non-reader cannot appreciate the illustrated word and is limited to hearing the correction. My son consistently referred to the girl in the backyard: the contraption we used in the summertime to cook hamburgers and hotdogs. With patience, kindness, and a lot of practice, I was able to help him switch those sounds around and put the “r” right after the “g,” giving us a barbecue grill.

Another slightly defective word was not fully correctable until he learned to read the letters: he always said “shore” when he meant “sure.” It caught the attention of many church ladies who uttered a doting AWWWWW whenever he answered “Shore” instead of “Yes,” especially since he tended to draw the word out into nearly two syllables. Once he began to understand that letters have sounds and make up words, then I could convince him that there was a correct way to pronounce each word, and his insistence of “But I say it this way” was not an acceptable alternative.

I did have to point out to my children an adult appearing on a local TV news program who spoke with a slight speech impediment. I did not do it in a way that ridiculed the man, but rather asked my children what their impressions were of him. They understood immediately, and said that someone should have helped him learn to speak correctly when he was a small boy, so that he would not still have that juvenile speech pattern as an adult.

It is important to stress with beginning readers to read the sounds in order. In their anxious desire to read, children tend to rush through the words, guessing at what a word may be. Slow them down, encouraging them to take their time and be sure of what letter sounds are in the word, reading and pronouncing those sounds in the order that they appear in the word — that is reading, not guessing.

Practice with the child on difficult sounds such as “r,” “l,” or “s.” Assure the child that you are helping in his best interest, and do not allow any family members to poke fun at him. I am personally appalled at parents who dwell on the “cuteness” of a child’s mispronunciations and, rather than correct the ignorance, begin using the faulty word themselves. What a disservice to the child — I will not teach you the correct way to say the word, I will just repeat your mistake back to you every day for the rest of your life! Children recognize that they live in an adult world, and they want to be seen as being grown-up; they do not want to see grown-ups acting like children. Therefore, we should help them learn to say and do things the way they will need to say and do them in an adult world, not sentence them to spending any extra time trapped in childhood when they should be maturing. Yes, it may be cute when they are 2 or 3, but it is not doing them any favors to have them still using babyish speech at 12 or 13, or 22, or 33.

“Parent” Is a Verb

Pick a problem from society in general today. Chances are it could be solved or could have been prevented by active parenting. “Parent” is a verb. “A parent” is a noun phrase used to describe either of the two persons responsible for a child’s presence on this planet, but “parent” should be considered as a command to action.

There are reasons children have parents — children need parents to protect them, guide them, and instruct them. Television, books, and movies are filled with scenarios where children solve their own problems, help each other out of difficult situations, and save the world from imminent destruction. It may get ratings, but it is not a true representation of real life.

When my children were of lower elementary age, a large department store chain was running a program for recycling and ecological awareness using the slogan, “Kids Saving the Earth.” I had personally ignored it as so much New Age melodrama until the day my daughter picked up one of the flyers in the store. As I told her to put it back, she clutched it dearly, proclaiming, “But Mom, it’s KIDS — SAVING the earth!” I immediately recognized the scope of this propaganda campaign: bypass the adults and recruit the children. We had a quick heart-to-heart discussion about how it is not children’s responsibility to save the earth; it is the responsibility of adults to be good stewards of the planet God has given us. Great relief seemed to overtake my child’s face as she realized she was no longer personally burdened by the slovenliness of uncaring, hedonistic adults.

Many times I sat with my children watching a “children’s program” or cartoon show on television, just so that I could point out to them the inconsistencies in the logic of the writers. One particular cartoon that my daughter wanted to watch featured darling little bunny-children who were indeed captivating to watch. However, when I caught the plot of any given episode, it invariably involved incapable idiot-adults who desperately needed their children to show them what to do next. I not-so-patiently waited for the end of that scene, muted the sound, and explained to my children how unreal the setting was. Then I banned them from watching that program again. My general rule for acceptability was: who is portrayed as being the leaders in society — children or adults? If the adults are portrayed as stupid and helpless and the children are the broad-shouldered geniuses who solve all life’s difficulties (in 23 minutes or less), you may not watch it. That blanket policy applied to TV, movies, and books, as well as friends’ attitudes, church youth group activities, and homeschool group activities.

Children desire limitations; boundaries are a form of security blanket for children. It works this way: you set a boundary, and the child pushes against the boundary to see if it is strong and true. If the boundary gives way, the child no longer knows where the boundary is and must keep pushing to see where the boundary will really stop. If the boundary does not move from where the parents set it, the child is secure in knowing he is safe inside. Occasionally, the child may test the boundary again just to be sure of its position, and the entire process is repeated. A firm boundary makes for a secure child; a vague or non-existent boundary leaves a child fearful and insecure. Think of boundaries as walls protecting from the big, uncertain world and the concept will be much easier to grasp. Set reasonable boundaries that allow freedom of movement within, and then watch for them to be tested. Your children are not challenging your authority; they are simply testing the strength and security of the wall.

When they test it again later on, they are still not challenging your authority as a parent, they are making sure you still love them. An unmovable boundary equals unmovable love from the parent. Be flexible enough to allow for an occasional open window in your wall; realize that you can temporarily relax a boundary without destroying it completely. The rare exception to a rule does not negate the entire rule.

Moms and Dads, it is your responsibility to educate your children, to teach them manners and civil behavior, to raise them up to be productive members of society and contributors to civilization. It is not for us to pawn our children off on self-proclaimed “professional” educators to lecture the tykes on good versus bad behavior: we are to teach by example. Our lives are to be the primary exhibits from which all observers may take note. We are to take the lead role in nurturing and discipling our children, not relegating it to babysitters, Sunday school teachers, grandparents, or anyone else. Parent is a verb.

The Myth of Age-Mates

Have you heard the one about the homeschool Dad who was asked how his children would adapt to “life in the real world” after being kept out of public school? He replied that “life in the real world” does not consist of thirty people all the exact same age doing the exact same thing at the same time while one significantly older person stands at the front of the room giving them all instructions. Hence the Myth of Age-Mates.

Homeschooled children will have a much truer picture of reality than their government schooled counterparts, simply because the homeschooled students have not been restricted to an artificial environment. You and I know that our day-to-day activities are seldom routine and seldom identical day after day. As much as we struggle to wrangle our homeschooling lessons into a manageable schedule, we know deep in our hearts that no two days will ever be quite the same. We may attempt to do our subjects in somewhat the same order each day, or in nearly the same time frame, but we are not caught completely off guard when some minor crisis occurs which lets the timetable sneak out the back door unobserved.

Homeschooling families also realize that aside from twins, triplets, or other multiple births their children will be surrounded by siblings of greatly varying ages. Government schools seem to come with a built-in (although unwritten) taboo on playing with children from other grade levels. If a child should seek out playmates from an older class, he is often called a “baby” and sent away to find others his own age. When the same child attempts to play with younger children, he is once again ridiculed as being babyish for wanting to consort with those younger than himself. Ah, the cruel and endless cycle of peer pressure. How I do not miss it!

Children who grow up in a homeschooling environment will see nothing extraordinary about associating with people from a wide range of ages. They will be able to communicate with adults and older students, as well as be able to draw on the patience and compassion required for dealing with much younger siblings, neighbors, and friends. Homeschool support groups and co-op networks provide a ready age spread for those families who have few children of their own.

The co-op classes we participated in were often grouped to include several grade levels, simply for the convenience of forming a group of children with similar interests. We held twice-a-month gatherings with classes loosely divided into early elementary, older elementary, and secondary (based on reading abilities and technical understanding), open fellowship times (sack lunches eaten with friends), and recreational periods segregated by physical ability (strictly for the protection of the little people). The children’s ages often varied greatly within any given “class,” but we did not experience any significant problems because of it. Instead, the children were given the opportunity to work with other students of similar interest and ability even though their ages often differed. The various re-groupings throughout the day allowed each student to alternate from being one of the oldest in one group to being one of the youngest in another group — and to find himself accepted in every situation.

Our well-meaning friends and relatives worry needlessly that homeschooled children will be secluded from “other children their own age.” In truth, our homeschooled children are skipping over the age-segregation period of life known so well to government schoolers; our children also get to skip the reintroduction-to-all-ages phase that follows the end of formal schooling. Homeschooled children are fully integrated with all ages at all times, and do not “suffer” because of it. Instead, it gives them a great boost in life and in their ability to interact with all people.

[For more on this topic, see the articles linked below.]
Socialization and Why You Don’t Need It (The Socialization Myth, Part 1)

The Socialization Code

Standing Up Against “The Lie”

Ever get to the point where you are ready to scream at the world? The Numb Skulls of the World have finally driven you to your limit, and you need to set them straight? I am there. Join me in a venting session.

Citizens of the modern world have been deceived into believing that a woman’s place is nowhere near the home. I have been told The Great Lie (outright and by implication) by friends, family, and society at large (male and female alike): that I have no value to society unless I am employed, for monetary reimbursement, away from my home. My children will suffer greatly (according to this Lie) if I do not leave my domestic domain at regular intervals and contribute to The Greater Good. Horsefeathers. Bunk. And utter nonsense!!!

This Lie has gone so far as to inflict serious, sometimes nearly irreparable guilt on Christian women who seek to follow God’s guidelines in His Word, the Holy Bible. These accusations are most commonly hurled by those already buying into The Lie by allowing, pressuring, and otherwise forcing the women in their families to seek outside employment. If they can convince all others that women must be “gainfully employed,” it relieves them of guilt, thereby transferring the guilt to those families whose female members are content to be “keepers at home” as Paul instructed in Titus 2.

The vast scope of this dangerous Lie was revealed to me recently: a good friend of mine has grown from little boy to young man believing that it is not a woman’s role to provide food for her family. I was speechless. Thinking back, I can now understand why he had always seemed a little uncomfortable eating the meals I prepared whenever he visited in my home. He did grow up in another culture, where locals were employed to assist the family with the household chores of cooking and cleaning, but I can see that The Lie has permeated his worldview to a much more devastating degree. He has not picked out The Truth (woman as doting wife, mother, and caregiver) from movies, television, or books, nor has he seen it walked out before him in his own family or in the lives of friends, relatives, neighbors, or even total strangers, regardless of culture or geographic locale. (He is slowly overcoming this hurdle and learning to take pleasure in being “waited on” [read: fed], but The Lie still prevails.)

The time has come to stand up for Guilt-Free Mothering, Guilt-Free Homemaking, and Guilt-Free Obedience to God’s Word. If you are a stay-at-home mom, stand a little taller, lift your chin a little higher, and breathe a little more deeply, filling your chest with the pure air of knowing you are in alignment with God’s best for you and your family. God created Woman to be a helper to Man, not to be a competitor for him, or worse, a replacement for him. As a supporting wife, a diligent mother, and a conscientious home-keeper you are fulfilling God’s plan as set forth at creation.

Do not believe The Lie — that your only sense of value can come from outside your home and family. Do not be coerced by the advertising industry into living beyond your means, requiring you, Mom, to abandon your family for The Workplace. Your children are much too precious to relegate them to the “care” of anyone else. Your husband needs the security of knowing his wife awaits him at his home, ready to soothe away the stresses inflicted in his daily battle to provide for his family. Your home needs to be a safe refuge from the outside world, where all who enter may be restored and strengthened in a delightful environment of rejuvenating love. You, stay-at-home Mom, are doing exactly what God created you to do. When anyone tries to tell you differently, stick your fingers in your ears and sing loudly: La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.

If you enjoyed this article, you may also enjoy Are You an “Over-Protective” Mom?

Looking for the “Hard Part”

Occasionally, a student (or teacher, for that matter) may get stumped on a seemingly easy lesson. He (or “she”; education is not sexist) just cannot seem to understand the obvious. This is often a very bright student, which only adds to the frustration. What went wrong? Quite possibly, nothing.

What is usually the case is that this bright student is looking for the “hard part” of the lesson and can’t find it. The student has a preconceived idea that this particular subject matter will be difficult to understand. When a lesson is presented clearly and simply, many times the student can grasp the concept readily and move on. In this particular case, however, the lesson has seemed easy to the student, contrary to the reputation that preceded it. The student has understood the entire lesson as presented, but feels insecure in that knowledge simply because it seemed too easy. The student gets confused, claims to understand the various parts of the lesson when questioned, but is reluctant to do the assigned work. The student may even attempt to do the work, but do it incorrectly, further proving his own belief that the lesson is too complicated. What was presented simply in the lesson has become confused in the student’s mind when combined with the preconceived notion of difficulty.

Most often in our homeschool, this happened with math, but do not be surprised if it occurs with some students in other subjects as well. Most of us give math a bad reputation, often without realizing it. How many grandparents have been heard to say, “Oh, I never could figure out algebra.” Moms may casually state, “I think I can teach anything else at home, but when it comes to high school math, I’ll get someone else to do it!” Even peers and siblings may influence your student with, “I hate math. It’s too hard.” Therefore, it is not surprising to have some students think there should be a harder element to a lesson: they have been conditioned to expect difficulty, and they get confused when they do not find it.

If you find your student is stuck looking for the hard part, review the lesson’s parts with him and encourage him on his ability to understand the lesson well, and then help him to see that he can move forward. Use this as a confidence-building exercise: congratulate your student that he learned something faster and easier than he had expected to learn it! After a few similar incidents, your student may be able to catch himself “looking for the hard part,” be able to recognize his problem, and move on without the former frustration setting in. When he reaches that point, offer him your praise and congratulations. Your student has just made a gigantic leap forward in teaching himself, and that is its own reward!

Your Children Will Not Always Be Like This

Attention — all parents of multiple children, especially those with babies and/or toddlers, and definitely all new homeschooling families — raise your right hand and repeat after me: “My children will not always be this age.” Repeat this exercise as often as needed to maintain your sanity. It can help to realize that today’s problems will not be tomorrow’s problems. (Do not even think about what problems might happen tomorrow — especially if today has been particularly problem-laden. You just do not need to go there right now.) Concentrate on the good things that your children do, focus on what they have accomplished, and hold tight to those thoughts. It may be the only thing that gets you through to the next fill-in-the-time-period-of-your-choice.

You are hip-deep in diapers and baby food jars, your house looks like a Fisher-Price obstacle course, and you can not step anywhere without crunching some formerly edible substance underfoot. You may also be pregnant. Or trying to become pregnant. (The wisdom of which you may currently be calling into question.) And just when are you supposed to find the time, patience, and gentle spirit to lovingly instruct your older children? Not in this lifetime, you scoff?

Again, raise your right hand and repeat the pre-stated oath. Babies will eventually detach themselves from Mom’s chest, toddlers will eventually learn to obey the Voice of Authority, and the preschoolers will eventually get the cereal poured into the bowl instead of directly onto the floor. Your job right now, Mom, is just to survive today with a little dignity intact. You might even get a lesson explained. Ok, half a lesson. But you have just started, and by next week things will go a little smoother. I promise. (But notice I did not quantify “a little.”) Remind yourself as often as needed that your children are growing up, they are maturing, they are learning. (Also remind yourself that anyone daring to criticize your homeschooling and/or housekeeping skills probably does not have the same number of children underfoot that you have, or they would know enough to keep quiet.)

Reminding your children of their accomplishments can help them to recognize their own growth and maturation process. They may see themselves as being unchanging centers of the universe with all others present only to dote on them. It can do wonders for children to learn to see the world through others’ eyes. Try using their outgrown clothing as a tool to show them how they have grown physically, and then ask them to “think backwards in their minds” to how they acted when those clothes were new and fit better. Do the same thing with older examples of their schoolwork and artwork to see how handwriting, spelling, grammar, or drawing may have improved. Point out how they have matured in their thinking, in their behavior, and in their learning. Praise them for the great progress they have made and help them to imagine what changes may come next. Help your children to set a realistic (start small) goal or two for themselves, whether personally or in their schoolwork. Rejoice together over their little accomplishments and celebrate big-time when major milestones have been conquered.

Your children will not always be this age. Yes, the problems will change as the children change, but you do not have to worry about tomorrow’s problems just yet. You can better deal with today’s difficulties by realizing that they will not continue forever. And you can put your hand down now.

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