The Wise Man Learns from the Mistakes of Others, The Fool Has to Learn from His Own

Before you reach for your concordance, I will admit that the title is not a verse from Proverbs. It is, however, a teaching from the book of Proverbs, stated many times in a variety of ways. As King Solomon put it, the fool is incapable of learning anything from anyone else. If we can find a lesson to be learned in any situation, we make ourselves wise.

My family has often analyzed the conversations and actions of others, not for the purpose of ridicule, but in order to learn valuable lessons ourselves. We have also analyzed circumstances and commended the person involved for the way they handled it: it does not have to be a mistake in order to learn the lesson. I am a firm believer in learning from others, if only to avoid the pain and embarrassment of having to go through their mistakes myself. I also have used the actions of others many times as examples with my children. “Do you think she reacted properly in that situation?” “How could he have handled that differently?” “What would you do if you found yourself in similar circumstances?” “How do you think that situation could have been avoided?” We readily apply this technique to analyzing literature — why do we hesitate to apply it to real life?

Much too often in Christian circles, people are rebuked for analyzing the actions of others, under the pretense of “avoiding gossip.” In my experience, those who scolded the loudest have been those with the most to hide, and were striving only to keep their own faults away from public scrutiny. Gossip cannot wait to share the latest juicy detail; gossip must be the one to divulge a secret. Compassion withholds details and keeps secrets, but may, in a private, controlled environment, analyze what went wrong or what could have been done differently to affect a better outcome the next time.

After spending a few years in separate colleges, my daughter and a friend were enjoying a day of “catching up.” As they discussed old friends and where-are-they-now’s, my daughter remarked that certain ones would definitely not follow through on their chosen paths. A few months later, as predicted, the drastic changes occurred. When the two girls got together again, the friend was amazed at the accuracy of my daughter’s foresight — which was explained based on reviewing the friends’ histories. Patterns of poor decision-making had simply continued, true to form. The girl had never noticed the patterns in her friends, even though she had known some of them for many years. My daughter had recognized and analyzed previous poor choices by those specific friends, and it involved very little risk to predict their future behaviors.

If we were to point fingers with a haughty attitude and puff ourselves up for being superior to those around us who make mistakes, we would become the ultimate fools ourselves. If, however, we see lessons we can learn in every circumstance of life, we will grow wiser with each passing day.

Post Script

It is clear that I put more emphasis on observing the poor decisions of others than I put toward studying their successes. To my analytical mind, it is much easier to pinpoint where a plan derailed than it is to notice all of the steps that went right in creating a success. It is impossible to know all of the planning and behind-the-scenes preparation another person goes through, often leaving me to wonder how they affected the desired outcome (what percentage was due to careful planning, networking, dumb luck, or God’s divine providence?). If I chose to follow the steps of a successful person, I would be more likely to imitate the details that I felt were critical, but in reality may have been insignificant, and miss the crucially important decisions that lie hidden.

Ignorance Is Not Forever

There are some things that I just take too personally. For instance, I recently heard about a woman whose now-adult son had been diagnosed as “Learning Disabled” all through his public school education. Despite her protests, despite her insistence on closer examination of the problem, he was dumped into LD classes and left there.

The root of the problem was that, as a boy, he had never learned to read. No teacher had ever taken the time to investigate why he had difficulty in class. Teachers repeatedly tested him year after year, always with the same result: he was at grade level and should be moved on to the next grade. When Mom’s persistence succeeded in inquiring as to how he was being tested (since the results strongly contradicted his at-home behavior), the current teacher confessed that her tests had been given to him orally. “He has so much trouble… it’s just easier to read it to him… reading it to him keeps him from becoming frustrated… ”

Now the boy is an adult, and the scene is being repeated with his child. The mom/grandmother is concerned that this time will have the same undesirable result. She was inquiring about homeschooling, probably wondering if it could rescue her grandchild, and whether it is too late for her son. As a former student of poor teachers myself and as the parent of a student whose early education was similarly neglected, I know first-hand some of the frustration these people are going through. Therefore, I tend to take these stories personally, flashing back to my own bad experiences. I find myself offended when students are purposely neglected, parents are intentionally ignored or pacified, and we are all expected to believe that this public education system is something sacred that should not be questioned. As Dorothy was instructed by The Great and Powerful Oz, we also are advised to “Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
If I were to purchase a car and drive it until it ran out of gas, would anyone think I was justified in calling the junkyard to come and get it because it no longer ran? Hardly! I would be laughed at as the new village idiot. Even a child could tell me I only need to buy more gasoline to make my car work. Yet, here we have a car (student) which has used up its supply of fuel (knowledge) and cannot proceed without more. However, rather than simply adding more fuel (knowledge) to the car (student), the chosen method of propulsion is to push the car manually to the next block (grade level) instead of enabling it to move under its own power.

Is it so difficult to teach a child to read? I did not think it was when I taught my children to read. Millions of children throughout history have been successfully taught to read, whether by “professional educators” or by their very own parents. Yet, we have here the unfortunate account of professionals too baffled by their own system to diagnose (correctly) a child who had not learned to read. This problem is easily remedied through homeschooling — avoid the “professionals” altogether and do it yourself, one on one. It is not too late for the man in the story above — he can still learn to read with an intensive phonics program and the assistance of a caring friend or family member, and he will probably learn this much more quickly as an adult than he would have as a child. Illiterate adults have conquered reading in as little as 3 weeks. His child should also be taught intensive phonics to avoid a repeat of his tragic scenario.

I once tried to discuss phonics-based reading programs with some local professional elementary educators, only to discover that we had words in common, but meant different things by them. They sincerely believed that using a few starting-letter sounds and contextual hints made their program “phonics.” Buzzwords, such as “decoding,” were used to lull curious parents into thinking their children were learning to break down words into syllables and letter patterns. Creative writing exercises were required of students who had not even conquered handwriting, again to persuade the unsuspecting parents that their children had a reasonable grasp of the reading-writing connection.

The evidence that reading has not been learned phonetically will show itself in the inability to spell. A person who understands how to break down a word into syllables will repeat those syllable-patterns when trying to spell a word. Fluent reading ability will also prove itself in composition: elegant sentence structure is easily mimicked. If you are reading good sentences, you will be able to write good sentences. A person who cannot read will not be able to spell consistently. A person who does not consume quality reading material will not be able to write well.

Perhaps I should pity the educational system that is pawning off such methods to future generations of teachers. I see it as a prime example of “the blind leading the blind” — those who do not understand are trying to give understanding to others. The contemporary axiom, “Ignorance can be fixed; stupid is forever,” has been altered: ignorance is no longer seen by them as being fixable. I am here to testify that ignorance is not a life sentence: ignorance is simply a lack of knowledge. Once a person has been taught the skill of reading, a world full of knowledge is there for the taking.

Help! My Student Finished the Book Too Fast!

This question appeared in my email box one day: What would or did you do when your children zoomed through a book with only one problem? He did great except for the part where he had to read a riddle and figure out what the answer was. He didn’t know what “pup” was so he missed it. It was also hard for him to comprehend because he reads slowly. By the time he gets to the next word he already forgot what he read. But when I read to him he can tell me the correct answer. The mom who wrote the email was puzzled by a student who had no difficulty reading his first book. They had worked together on letter sounds and short vowel words and were attempting to have him read an actual book. Young Son read slowly, methodically working word by word, but stumbled over only one word. Mom was not at all sure that it should be so easy.

First, there is no reason to dwell on lessons that have already been learned. Make sure your student learns the part he had trouble with, and then keep going forward. His reading speed will increase with practice — just like riding a bicycle, you start slowly and shakily, but you get better and faster the more you do it.

Second, if your early reader is able to answer questions from what you read to him, then you know his listening skills and comprehension are good. What you will be working on improving is his own reading — do not expect fantastic comprehension immediately from his own reading time. It will come with practice. Remember that your student is just entering a new world of written communication: up to this point, he has only had to interpret pictures and symbols, not words. Try mentally relating it (for your own understanding) to developing a brand new skill yourself, such as learning to read Chinese. An entirely new system of symbolizing words and thoughts would be difficult to comprehend all at once, but practice would enable you to learn little bits, then bigger bits, and then bunches. Your student will master reading in the same way.

Perhaps the child having difficulty with comprehension would benefit from decoding 3-4 words individually, then backing up to read those words together, gradually assembling the separate words into a sentence. In that way, his mind will learn to switch back and forth from decoding mode into reading mode: solving what the word is and then remembering it to read it in context with the other words. Getting the hands involved often helps transfer an idea to the brain, so if your student needs a little more help, you might consider supplementing (at least for a while) with homemade flash cards of the individual words to touch and hold and slide around on the tabletop. Let him decode each word as a task in itself, then line up some words on the table to see how a few words can form a sentence and actually SAY something. Then he can begin to understand longer and longer sentences. This is the “learning to balance the bicycle” stage. Expect it to be a little shaky and ungraceful temporarily. Also expect it to be mentally and physically exhausting to your little one as he struggles his way up these word-mountains, so do not push him beyond the limits of his endurance.

Third, for proceeding to the next book, if your diligent reader is ready, move on with confidence! Just remember that learning is like terrain: uphill climbs, downhill coasting, and an occasional plateau. The boy at the beginning of this story was fresh and ready and ran up an easy hill — no problem, little expenditure of energy. He may continue that way for a while. Then, just when you have gotten used to his jackrabbit pace, he will hit a plateau and need to stay there for a while to absorb all that he has been taking in rapidly. Sometimes progress will seem so slow that you will wonder if the hill actually has a top or if you are possibly sliding backwards!

Children grow physically in the same way — in little spurts — but we do not worry that they are going to shrink the next week. We know they will keep going forward, and eventually they may skip a size here and there. Children will learn in little spurts, but will always continue to move forward. Sometimes it may seem that they have forgotten a lesson or tended to slide backwards, but in actuality they are resting on a plateau and absorbing all that has been learned. Whether you can see it or not, the child’s mind is sorting all the information and contemplating how it all fits together. Give him time to “catch his breath” and he will soon be ready to move on again.

Looking for the “Hard Part”

Occasionally, a student (or teacher, for that matter) may get stumped on a seemingly easy lesson. He (or “she”; education is not sexist) just cannot seem to understand the obvious. This is often a very bright student, which only adds to the frustration. What went wrong? Quite possibly, nothing.

What is usually the case is that this bright student is looking for the “hard part” of the lesson and can’t find it. The student has a preconceived idea that this particular subject matter will be difficult to understand. When a lesson is presented clearly and simply, many times the student can grasp the concept readily and move on. In this particular case, however, the lesson has seemed easy to the student, contrary to the reputation that preceded it. The student has understood the entire lesson as presented, but feels insecure in that knowledge simply because it seemed too easy. The student gets confused, claims to understand the various parts of the lesson when questioned, but is reluctant to do the assigned work. The student may even attempt to do the work, but do it incorrectly, further proving his own belief that the lesson is too complicated. What was presented simply in the lesson has become confused in the student’s mind when combined with the preconceived notion of difficulty.

Most often in our homeschool, this happened with math, but do not be surprised if it occurs with some students in other subjects as well. Most of us give math a bad reputation, often without realizing it. How many grandparents have been heard to say, “Oh, I never could figure out algebra.” Moms may casually state, “I think I can teach anything else at home, but when it comes to high school math, I’ll get someone else to do it!” Even peers and siblings may influence your student with, “I hate math. It’s too hard.” Therefore, it is not surprising to have some students think there should be a harder element to a lesson: they have been conditioned to expect difficulty, and they get confused when they do not find it.

If you find your student is stuck looking for the hard part, review the lesson’s parts with him and encourage him on his ability to understand the lesson well, and then help him to see that he can move forward. Use this as a confidence-building exercise: congratulate your student that he learned something faster and easier than he had expected to learn it! After a few similar incidents, your student may be able to catch himself “looking for the hard part,” be able to recognize his problem, and move on without the former frustration setting in. When he reaches that point, offer him your praise and congratulations. Your student has just made a gigantic leap forward in teaching himself, and that is its own reward!

Your Children Will Not Always Be Like This

Attention — all parents of multiple children, especially those with babies and/or toddlers, and definitely all new homeschooling families — raise your right hand and repeat after me: “My children will not always be this age.” Repeat this exercise as often as needed to maintain your sanity. It can help to realize that today’s problems will not be tomorrow’s problems. (Do not even think about what problems might happen tomorrow — especially if today has been particularly problem-laden. You just do not need to go there right now.) Concentrate on the good things that your children do, focus on what they have accomplished, and hold tight to those thoughts. It may be the only thing that gets you through to the next fill-in-the-time-period-of-your-choice.

You are hip-deep in diapers and baby food jars, your house looks like a Fisher-Price obstacle course, and you can not step anywhere without crunching some formerly edible substance underfoot. You may also be pregnant. Or trying to become pregnant. (The wisdom of which you may currently be calling into question.) And just when are you supposed to find the time, patience, and gentle spirit to lovingly instruct your older children? Not in this lifetime, you scoff?

Again, raise your right hand and repeat the pre-stated oath. Babies will eventually detach themselves from Mom’s chest, toddlers will eventually learn to obey the Voice of Authority, and the preschoolers will eventually get the cereal poured into the bowl instead of directly onto the floor. Your job right now, Mom, is just to survive today with a little dignity intact. You might even get a lesson explained. Ok, half a lesson. But you have just started, and by next week things will go a little smoother. I promise. (But notice I did not quantify “a little.”) Remind yourself as often as needed that your children are growing up, they are maturing, they are learning. (Also remind yourself that anyone daring to criticize your homeschooling and/or housekeeping skills probably does not have the same number of children underfoot that you have, or they would know enough to keep quiet.)

Reminding your children of their accomplishments can help them to recognize their own growth and maturation process. They may see themselves as being unchanging centers of the universe with all others present only to dote on them. It can do wonders for children to learn to see the world through others’ eyes. Try using their outgrown clothing as a tool to show them how they have grown physically, and then ask them to “think backwards in their minds” to how they acted when those clothes were new and fit better. Do the same thing with older examples of their schoolwork and artwork to see how handwriting, spelling, grammar, or drawing may have improved. Point out how they have matured in their thinking, in their behavior, and in their learning. Praise them for the great progress they have made and help them to imagine what changes may come next. Help your children to set a realistic (start small) goal or two for themselves, whether personally or in their schoolwork. Rejoice together over their little accomplishments and celebrate big-time when major milestones have been conquered.

Your children will not always be this age. Yes, the problems will change as the children change, but you do not have to worry about tomorrow’s problems just yet. You can better deal with today’s difficulties by realizing that they will not continue forever. And you can put your hand down now.

Teach Your Students to Teach Themselves

Believe it or not, there are (so-called “successful”) students in the government system who do not know that a dictionary contains word meanings, word forms, and pronunciation guides. These students have no clue what an atlas is or how/why to use one; they are clueless at map reading. They would never guess that the lesson concepts are fully explained in the textbook — they assume that only the teachers’ books have the explanations in them. If someone does not tell them what to do, they cannot decide what to do on their own, and even then, they only do exactly what they have been told, and no more. They possess no “critical thinking skills.”

When a student can teach himself, there are no limits to what he can learn. When a student can teach himself, learning becomes a life-long endeavor. When a student can teach himself, you (as the teacher) are then freed up to attend more to younger students, household duties, or even (dare I say it?) spare time activities of your own choosing.

The biggest hurdles for any student learning to teach himself are:
1) How do I know what to do in this lesson? (reading & understanding directions)
2) Where should I look for more information? (research skills)
3) What should I do when I “get stuck”? (problem-solving skills)

So how, you are now asking, do you teach a student to teach himself? Refer to The Biblical Model of Discipleship: “Let them watch, let them help, help them do it, watch them do it, leave them doing it.” As you are teaching him to read, also point out each word of the directions on any workbook pages or math papers that he is doing as you read those directions aloud and then explain what the assigned task is. That will begin to make the connection for him that those words mean important things, too. We need to convey the concept that the words in storybooks are not the only words in life that count. The same thing can be done with the Sunday comics, captions for interesting photos in newspapers and magazines, and even the cooking instructions on convenience food packages. Gradually, the idea will be grasped that with reading ability comes the knack for finding the necessary words to read. (Newspapers, magazines, and the adult world in general can be overwhelming to a new reader: so many words and no clue for how to navigate through them.)

As the student gains reading ability, he will begin to be able to read those directions for himself. If he is still not able to make the transition from reading the directions to understanding the assignment, have him read the directions aloud to you. Then discuss the meaning of the sentences with him until the student understands how they are explaining what is expected of him.

Begin to slow down your response time in explaining the assignments, allowing the student plenty of time to think about what he is reading and process the information. Remember that this is a new task for your student, and like any new task, it takes time to learn.

With more complicated instructions, such as those found in upper lever math lessons, point out to the student that everything needed to understand the lesson is found in the book. The complete explanation is in the lesson (some details may have been covered in previous lessons). The most important concepts will be in bold print, italics, underlined, or set apart in a box to capture the student’s attention. Example problems should not be merely looked at (unless the student is especially gifted in math), but copied step-by-step into the student’s math notebook (noted with page and problem numbers), in an effort to understand what is being done and why. (We remember more of what we do, than of what we just see or hear.) All math problems should be written in a notebook and kept, so they can be referred back to when necessary for additional help — problems written on a chalkboard or whiteboard are lost forever once they have been erased. When a student encounters a math problem of a type that gave him difficulty before, he can then look back through his notebook to find the previous example. Studying its completed form will help the student see what step comes next for the current problem.

I have sometimes questioned my own performance as a homeschool educator — did I do a “good enough” job? I see things that my children “missed” and wonder why I did not press those lessons more. Then again, I realize that I learned as much as they did during our homeschool career, and they will learn more as they begin to homeschool their own children in a few years. My students did learn how to read and how to understand what they read. My students learned how to do research. My students learned how to solve problems, often coming up with unique ideas that I would not even have considered. My students have become young adults who will continue to learn for their entire lives, because they learned how to teach themselves.

Biblical Model of Discipleship

It worked for Jesus, and it has worked for me. Whether you are folding laundry, making bread, or shingling a roof, this method works:
You do it with them watching you.
You do it with them helping you.
They do it with you helping them.
They do it with you watching them.
You leave with them doing it alone.

Jesus modeled this method for His disciples by teaching and healing the multitudes. As the disciples watched Jesus, they learned. As Jesus had Peter, James, and John step aside with Him to heal, they learned. Jesus had the disciples try it on their own, while He stayed nearby to assist when needed. Finally, He was able to send them out with confidence.

Now we can apply this same method to teaching many new tasks, from long division to changing a tire. First, you let your students watch to get a good idea of how the job is supposed to go when it is done correctly. For many jobs, your children have already watched you do it over and over, informally — they did not realize they were learning something, they thought they were just watching Mom do her jobs.

Second, allow the students to help with the easier portions of the job and work their way up to trying the more complicated parts. Again, you may have already accomplished this stage, simply taking advantage of the extra pairs of hands.

Third, trade places with your students and take over the role of helper, doing the easy tasks for them, but remaining close by in case the students need assistance with the trickier operations. This can be a scary step — actually turning over the outcome of the task to someone else. But if we think about what really matters, teaching the skill itself is much more important than having the towels folded perfectly straight.

Fourth, step back a little and observe your new trainees as they perform the entire task by themselves. It is often a good idea at this stage to “act busy,” involving yourself in another nearby task so that your apprentices do not get nervous from being watched. Keep watching until they are confident in their newfound ability, then walk away to your next job — or maybe free time!

Remember, practice makes perfect: your new worker will probably not do the job exactly the same way you do it, but they will get better with time, and it is important also to emphasize that to the child. “I don’t expect you to do it the same way Mommy does it because you just started, and I’ve got 20 years of practice ahead of you. But I know you will get better and faster the more you do it.” Then be sure to praise their progress!

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