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50 Reasons Why I Could Never Homeschool

April 12, 2006 by 26 Comments

If you are a parent who thinks you could never homeschool, be encouraged: I used to be one of you. If someone had suggested back then that I should homeschool, I would have had a dozen reasons ready why I could not do it. One day, I ran out of reasons. Actually, the reasons why I wanted to try homeschooling began to outnumber my excuses for not trying it.

When my daughter was old enough for Kindergarten, I didn’t have to worry about homeschooling because it was not yet legal in my state. Later, I avoided homeschooling because I thought my toddler needed too much of my attention. Still later, it became obvious that the government’s public school system was failing both of my children, and I finally took a serious look at homeschooling. Our lives (and their education) changed completely within the next few months, and it has been a change that we have never regretted.

When people say they “could never homeschool,” they usually complete that thought with one of the lines listed below. Sometimes the line is spoken aloud, and other times it is merely implied. Still more often, the spoken phrase, “I could never homeschool,” stands alone as a substitute, a coded message, for one or more of these assertions. If you think you could never homeschool, give some consideration to these tongue-in-cheek explanations and reflect on why you feel homeschooling is not for you — be sure that you are not avoiding homeschooling for mere excuses.

I could never homeschool–

1. …I’m too disorganized. Homeschooling works with as much organization as you are willing to put forth. However, if you can keep your silverware sorted, you probably have what it takes.
2. …I don’t know how. Have you ever begun a new adventure already knowing everything about it? Like anything else in life, you learn as you go.
3. …I wouldn’t be any good at it. How do you know? Have you tried and failed at this before? If you have, then you know what problems to avoid this time.
4. …I’m too lazy. Are you saying that it is easier to get your children up, dressed, fed, and off to school at the crack of dawn five days a week, than it is to allow your children to do math in their pajamas?
5. …My husband/family won’t let me. Is that because you have run yourselves deeply into debt and need multiple incomes to keep up the payments? Or is it because of utopian ideas of what institutional schools can do for a child?
6. …I’m not smart enough. Did you teach your child to walk or talk? Did you help him learn to dress himself? Did you teach him to sing “Happy Birthday”? Then you probably have what it takes to teach him to print his name. The rest you can learn as you go.
7. …I don’t want my child to end up like that weird homeschooled kid I know. Don’t worry–your child will end up with his own brand of weirdness, whether he is homeschooled or not.
8. …I can’t stand to be around my children. This is a bigger problem that you need to resolve, no matter where your children go to school.
9. …My children can’t stand to be with me. Again, this is a bigger problem that you need to resolve, no matter where your children go to school.
10. …I want to support the local Christian school. That is an admirable goal, but is the Christian school more important than your own child? The quality of education (even at Christian schools) is far below what a child can receive at home. Also, Christian schools are populated with the thugs, bullies, and reprobates who managed to get themselves expelled from public school.
11. …I want to support the community through the public school. Again, is the community more important than your child’s welfare and education? The quality of education at public schools is far below what a child can receive at home.
12. …All my children’s friends go to public school. Any friends worth keeping can still be seen and played with after school or on weekends.
13. …I don’t have the patience to homeschool. Did you become impatient when your child was learning to walk or talk? Were you impatient when helping him learn to ride a bike? Homeschooling is no different–it is teaching new skills to the children you love.
14. …My child has “special needs.” Many parents homeschool their “special needs” children, feeling that no other teacher can understand or care for their child better than the parents can.
15. …I don’t know any other homeschoolers–I would need help. Homeschooling is growing so quickly that there are probably some homeschoolers in your area already. There are also resources on the internet for helping you connect with homeschooling families near you.
16. …I don’t want to insult my friends who are public school teachers. Right. Because their feelings are so much more important than your child’s feelings and education.
17. …I have to work. Some families have been able to adjust their work schedules and their homeschooling schedule to fit together. Other families have found financial benefits to homeschooling that eliminated the need for both parents to work.
18. …My children don’t want to homeschool. How do they know? Have they tried it before? My children loved having a fully stocked refrigerator available in their classroom.
19. …I have a degree, a career, and a corner office that I have worked hard for, and I’m not giving that up. Right. Because it’s all about you, isn’t it? But your child would like his own chance to obtain a degree, a career, and a corner office.
20. …I can’t teach algebra, geometry, calculus, or chemistry. 1.) If your child is just starting Kindergarten, you don’t have to worry about the advanced subjects just yet. 2.) The lessons are all explained in the textbooks.
21. …My children won’t listen to me, don’t respect me, or don’t think I am smart enough. Some of this will disappear the first time you answer a question as Teacher, and more will be conquered as you continue to homeschool. However, some of this may stem from bigger problems that will need to be resolved no matter where your children go to school.
22. …I have a life and social commitments, and I’m not giving those up. It’s still all about you, isn’t it? Many commitments outside the home can still be maintained–and some may be easier because of the lack of school-related commitments during after-school hours.
23. …I don’t want to wear a denim jumper, put my hair in a bun, kill my own chickens, or have 18 children. And you don’t have to. Homeschooling should fit your family’s lifestyle–no matter what your lifestyle is. Some athletes homeschool around hours and hours of daily training, and some families homeschool on the road in the cab of an 18-wheeler. Homeschooling adapts to you and your lifestyle.
24. …It costs too much money to homeschool. Many of the costs associated with homeschooling (such as curriculum purchases) can be spread out by re-using the materials for several students, or recouped by reselling the materials when you are finished with them.
25. …We can’t afford to start now; maybe we’ll start next year. Along with your financial costs, be sure to consider the personal costs to your child. In some cases, the emotional and mental anguish from one more year in public school can do irreparable harm.
26. …We might homeschool later when the kids really need it. How will you know if you’ve waited too long to start? In some cases, the emotional and mental anguish from one more year in public school can do irreparable harm.
27. …My child has been looking forward to going to public school, and I can’t break his heart. 1.) Your child is probably looking forward to either a ride on a school bus or a chance to play on the school playground. Are those more important than the quality of education? You can ride the city bus (or a church bus), visit a local playground, and then make cookies together at home (something he can’t do at school). 2.) Who is responsible for deciding what is best for the child–that child or you, the parent?
28. …I don’t want to go to jail–isn’t homeschooling against the law? No. Homeschooling is legal in all fifty states, as well as many foreign countries. Home School Legal Defense Association is consistently on top of homeschooling law cases and will support any member family at no cost. (info at http://hslda.org)
29. …I want my children to get into college. Homeschoolers are actively recruited by colleges for their dedication to excellence and self-motivated learning.
30. …Homeschooling isn’t really that important. Homeschooling can turn a poor student into a great student. Imagine what it can do for your student.
31. …I went to public school, and I turned out all right. The school you went to is no longer available. Schools are dramatically different now from what they were even five years ago. Ask a child who is currently in school what a typical day is like.
32. …I want my children to experience all the good things from public school. Again, the school you went to is no longer available, and you may have forgotten many of the painful or difficult times that accompanied your good experiences. Ask a child who is currently in school what a typical day is like.
33. …My baby/toddler takes up too much of my time. Have you found ways to prepare meals or do laundry with Baby around? Homeschooling can also be adapted around baby’s schedule, and toddlers and preschoolers love to join in the fun. There are many ways to homeschool with younger children about.
34. …My mother is a teacher! Then she should understand why you want to skip all of the undesirable elements of school and focus on personalized academics. It is a very rare grandmother who does not want the best for her grandchild. And you have the bonus that she can help teach your child how to stand in line for the bathroom or show you how to inspect him for head lice.
35. …My children won’t have any friends. Do they have friends now? They can still get together with the school friends they enjoy, and friends from the neighborhood or church will still be around. Homeschool support groups provide new friendship opportunities, plus field trips and group activities.
36. …I’m dyslexic–I can’t teach my child. Some dyslexia results from incomplete understanding of phonics and reading skills, which parents can learn right along with their students. Any other homeschooling adults would be understanding and happy to help you through any difficult spots.
37. …I’m not creative. But many other people are and are making their ideas available to other homeschoolers. Low-cost and no-cost ideas are available on the Internet, at public libraries, and through cooperative homeschooling support groups.
38. …I’m not religious–homeschoolers are all religious fanatics. Many homeschoolers have no religious preference but choose homeschooling for the excellence in academic instruction and opportunities for personally tailored learning.
39. …I want my child in the Gifted Program. “Gifted” in public school programs often means “compliant worker-bee.” Boat-rocking, buck-the-system, freethinking individuals are rarely admitted into Gifted Programs. Your child can develop his gifts and personal interests without all of the bureaucratic red tape or funding cuts.
40. …Homeschooling takes too much time, and it takes more time each year as the kids get older. Wrong. Homeschooling takes less time for the parent as the students get older and become able to work more independently.
41. …I could teach arithmetic, but I don’t know how to teach a child to read. There are many programs available for teaching reading, including some which guide everything the parent should say to the child. Teaching your child to read is much simpler than it seems and is an unbelievably rewarding experience.
42. …I want my child involved in sports. Homeschooled children are involved in sports through city recreation leagues, through dual-enrollment with public schools specifically for the sports, and through the many homeschool cooperative groups that are starting teams and hosting tournaments.
43. …I can’t teach art. 1.) “Art” must be your child’s name. 2.) Art can be taught, even if he is stubborn. 3.) Dump all of your crafty supplies on the floor and let Art loose. Library books can guide you into specific artistic techniques, but creativity is built in to all children.
44. …I can’t teach a foreign language. Excellent foreign language programs are available on CD-ROM that allow the student to hear the correct pronunciation, free of regional accents. (Have you ever heard French spoken with a Texas accent? I know a public school student whose teacher taught French with a heavy drawl. It’s funny.)
45. …My child is too active to keep up with. So you’d rather send him to a school where they will medicate him with drugs to make him sit still? At home, that child can run, jump, and play, and then do the schoolwork when his legs are finally tired and want to rest.
46. …I’m a single parent. Many single parents are finding ways to homeschool their children through flexible scheduling (of the job or the lessons) or work-at-home options.
47. …My neighbors will report me for child abuse. Do you need to be reported for child abuse? If not, try talking with your neighbors to help them understand your desire to provide your children with an excellent education. Bake cookies for the neighbors and have the children ask them about their hobbies, careers, or where they grew up, as part of a homeschool project. HSLDA will defend member families against false reports, but not homeschooling out of fear is cheating your children out of a wonderful educational opportunity, not to mention the emotional abuse they will actually endure at public school.
48. …I don’t have an extra room in my house for a classroom. You don’t need one. You can do lessons on whatever surface you currently eat dinner (kitchen snack bar, dining room table, or TV tray) and sit on the sofa for reading. Books and supplies can be stored in a box in the closet or in a corner to keep them from wandering off.
49. ...I don’t want to homeschool. It never stops being about you, does it? Is your leisure time really more important to you than your child’s education and your child’s welfare?
50. …I wouldn’t know how to start homeschooling. There are abundant resources for homeschooling, including the one you are reading right now.

I strongly urge you, if you are not homeschooling now, to give serious thought to why you have not considered homeschooling your children. If your reasons now seem as frivolous as the reasons stated above, perhaps you need to look at homeschooling as a real possibility for your family. Families have begun homeschooling as a way to care for dramatic health needs or because they had serious disagreements with the philosophies put forth in public school curriculum. However, homeschooling is proving itself to be an ideal way just to strengthen individual families and prepare children for college and the real life beyond. Besides all of the wonderful reasons for justifying homeschooling, it is just plain fun for both the children and the parents. Investigate this phenomenon called homeschooling–you may be very glad you did.

Filed Under: Deciding to Homeschool, Encouragement for Parents, Family Unity, Homeschool v. Public School, Leaving Public School, Top 10 (and other) Lists

The Forgotten Role Model: Spouse

April 5, 2006 by Leave a Comment

I have been noticing some differences lately between single adults and married adults, specifically in the way both types of people think and make decisions. I must admit that, at first, I had thought of the single adults I know as just being a little “quirky” in their thinking processes, and then I realized why they seem to do things differently than I or other married people do: an entirely different decision-making process is needed for couples than is used by single adults.

Single adults do not have anyone else to be accountable to. Single adults do not have a spouse for a sounding board or to take into consideration before any major decisions are made. Married adults automatically have another person for those purposes, but that does not mean that all married adults automatically give consideration to their spouses when making decisions. Having or being a spouse requires that decisions should be made with concern for your mate’s needs and desires. Married adults who make decisions as though they are still autonomous singles are destined to become single again. Sadly, their marriages will fail or at least will not be as successful and satisfying as will the marriage of two people who are both dedicated to fulfilling the needs and desires of their mates.

A sad fact of the world we live in today is that more and more children are being raised in single-parent households. Regardless of the reasons behind this phenomenon, the parents must fill in the gaps that these children experience. A single parent is doing double-duty, serving as both father and mother in many situations, even sometimes when custody of the children is a shared arrangement. My heart aches for the single moms and single dads who are doing their best to raise their children alone, and the homeschooling single parents are simply working miracles, in my estimation. However, while they are providing the household income and nurturing their children, there is an unfortunate side effect that they cannot effectively cover on their own. Their children do not see that parent modeling the role of spouse. Children commonly see their parents as a mother or a father, but not as a wife or a husband. The relationship of parent to child is usually restricted to the Mom or Dad role. The single parent is forced to make the major decisions alone. While advice may be sought from friends, co-workers, or grandparents, the decision ultimately rests only on the shoulders of that single adult.

Occasionally, an opportunity arises with my own children when I can give them a glimpse into what it means to me to be a wife, rather than always representing a mother. I point out the same things for my husband, how he is not just a father, his role is also much more complex. When we have major decisions to make, we discuss them together, but not always in front of our children. Therefore, it is important to give the children a synopsis of our decision-making processes so that they can realize how both husband and wife can influence the outcome. While the choices faced by single adults usually come down to a simple yes or no option, the conclusions reached by couples almost invariably contain some level of compromise on behalf of both parties. An adult who is completely unwilling to compromise for joint decisions is thinking with a single-adult’s mindset.

In our family, “checking in” has become routine now, but it stems from a very serious traffic accident that occurred only weeks into our marriage. That first time that my husband did not arrive home from work in a timely manner led to our habit of always letting the other know where you are and when you are leaving. Recently my husband had an after-hours reward party with some of his co-workers. He called me even before committing to attending, just to make sure I had not planned an early dinner. I encouraged him to go have fun at the celebration because he had earned it as much as any member of his designing team, but I understood and appreciated why he checked in first. Some people may not have felt obliged to notify their spouses, but in our family, the courtesy is commonplace. The single adult has no need to check with anyone before making decisions; the single parent may only need to notify a baby-sitter in case of a delayed arrival.

An acquaintance of ours has recently built a new house and purchased all new furnishings for it, replacing everything that was lost in a major house fire. This acquaintance is currently single and has proven it with every decision and every purchase. Every construction detail and every appliance was chosen without regard for any other person. If this homeowner had been married, many of these choices may have had different outcomes. As I toured this new home, I saw many things that I would have preferred to have another way. I could see many decisions that my husband and I would have discussed and done differently, had it been our home, but for this homeowner, discussions and compromises were not Standard Operating Procedure.

The single parent who is blessed with another chance at marriage will once again have the opportunity to provide the role model of spouse to the children, but while still single, it is an extremely difficult pattern to portray. This is where the rest of us can help. I have frequently found myself in the position of being the only married parent that some of my children’s friends know personally. In those cases, I carefully watch how I live out that role, so that I can be an effective role model to them for what I feel a spouse should be. When an appropriate opportunity arises, I speak up and share my opinion of how situations are handled differently by a wife than by a mom, or by a husband than by a dad.

Television programs are often, unfortunately, the most listened to voices and most watched role models in the lives of our youngsters today. I doubt that a suitable role model for a spouse could be found anywhere on television. The characters portrayed do not usually submit to a Biblical system of authority, but are usually involved in comic role reversals, continual insults and criticism, and deceitful plots against each other. Men are seldom seen as strong heads of their households; more often, they are depicted as beer-drinking buffoons, interested only in sports, and who depend upon their wives to keep the children in line and the household running efficiently. Television programming is rarely considered to be purely fictional entertainment; instead, it has gone so far now as to redefine “reality” for us.

The importance of taking time to be together as a couple, aside from time spent as a family (with the children), is well documented and well publicized. What I am emphasizing is the importance of demonstrating that spousal role to my children throughout the daily routine, not limited to special events and date nights. As I go through my days, whenever an opportunity presents itself, I will point out to my daughter, my son, and now their significant-others the things that I feel are important for me as a wife and the things that are important for my spouse as a husband. As a wife, I respect my husband’s opinion, knowing that he often has greater insight than I do into certain facets of life. As a wife, I try to keep our home as a place of solace and respite from the industrial world where my husband spends his days. As a husband, he looks after the safety of his family, ensuring that we have reliable vehicles to drive and maintaining our home as a secure and cozy shelter. As a husband, he provides for our financial security through a good job and working additional hours to earn extra money when unexpected needs arise. Major decisions are discussed together, with input from our children when the outcome will affect the entire family, but the children need to see that those decisions are made as a team, since we are not independent individuals. The role of spouse means that I am a member of a slightly larger but more important group, the couple, and that I should not neglect my responsibilities to that group. I must repeat this–having a spouse requires that decisions should be made with concern for your spouse’s needs and desires. Married adults who make decisions without regard for their spouse’s welfare or opinion are at a very great risk of becoming single again.

As we strive to train up our children in the ways we feel are best, we should try to include all of the roles they will possibly fulfill in life. I am seeing more children growing up with a view of themselves as future parents, but I seldom hear them speaking of themselves as future spouses or expressing concern over what their future spouse might think of a given situation. It would be sad, indeed, to prepare our children to be parents without preparing them to be spouses at the same time.

Filed Under: Attitudes, Family Unity, Learning Outside the Books, Parenting, Role-Modeling

Second-Hand Attitudes

February 23, 2006 by 1 Comment

I refer to a “second-hand attitude” as a mind-set that is not a part of your core family philosophy. It is an attitude that is held by another party outside of your immediate family and that has been subconsciously adopted by a member of your family who does not actually hold to those beliefs himself. It is not your attitude; it is someone else’s attitude, but you are wearing it. Second-hand attitudes can come from a wide variety of sources and show up in an equally wide variety of ways.

“When you put your hat on, the attitude just takes over, and you can’t stop it,” the older woman responded to a her adult daughter, who was concerned as to why her normally mild-mannered, very polite mother had suddenly become an obnoxiously loud, rude customer. The mother and her group of friends regularly don their unique wardrobe for social outings, but their uniform of choice has had a rather anti-social effect. Sales associates would often prefer to run and hide, rather than deal with these customers, and other shoppers can be seen giving them a wide berth, getting out of their way. This is not a scene from the Jim Carrey movie, The Mask, where an ancient tribal facemask holds mystical powers and transforms any wearer into an alter ego. This is real life. It causes me to wonder just how well the same argument of “I can’t help it” would have worked for the daughter, had she used that excuse when she was a misbehaving child. I am guessing it would not have worked well at all, so why does Mom think it is a valid excuse for herself now? The rudeness is simply a second-hand attitude that Mom picked up from her friends, but she is attributing it to an inanimate object from her closet.

My young daughter used to spend occasional nights at Grandma’s house, which were followed by extensive shopping excursions the next morning. They would make the rounds of dollar stores and half-price stores, prowling through the low-priced trinkets, and my daughter would usually come home lugging a bag of treasures that Grandma had purchased for her. The most serious item she brought home, however, was a change in attitude. Suddenly, in place of the kind, gentle, and helpful member of our family, there was a dramatic, selfish, commanding, and demanding Princess. Her every whim had been catered to and every desire had been fulfilled, to the point where she believed that she was entitled to that excessive amount of attention and expected that service to continue at home as well. Sorry. That ain’t happenin’ here. Grandma’s attempts at bonding resulting instead in a second-hand attitude.

During their high school years, my son and some other boys became good friends with a twenty-something single man at church. The young man felt he was mentoring the boys, but the results were so objectionable on our end that we had to curtail our son’s involvement in the relationship. He would come back from group activities with the guys wearing a very irresponsible attitude and stating that it should be acceptable for him to stay out until the wee hours of the morning just because his older friend was along, even though he himself was not yet even old enough to drive. Aside from the premature independence issues, “accidents” and “incidents” seemed to follow this group wherever they went, and the young “mentor” showed himself to be more of a ringleader in mischief than a role model for mature behavior. Again, sorry. That ain’t happenin’ here. Suffice it to say that a mid-teens boy should not take on the mind-set of a post-college man, and since the troublesome attitude enveloped someone too large for me to pick up and place in his bed for a nap, stronger measures were required. When he could not shake off the second-hand attitude, we removed him from the group.

In each of these cases, a second-hand attitude was inflicted by others, then adopted and brought home by an unwitting recipient. The infectious attitude was not previously held by the recipient, nor was it accepted by the recipient’s family, but there it was nonetheless. Second-hand attitudes do not have to stick. I usually had to explain in matter-of-fact terms exactly what I found undesirable about the attitudes that had come home with my children, but once they understood what to watch out for, they could more easily spot problematic attitudes in their friends. Their motivation for careful attitude analysis was the guarantee that the relationship would be terminated if the attitudes continued to come home. If the friendship itself was beneficial, it could be allowed to continue — but the poison attitude had to be eliminated.

A common childhood ploy is to say, “But Amanda’s Mom doesn’t care that she acts this way,” or “Joey talks like this all the time.” My response to that is, “Joey and Amanda should be very glad that they are not my children. If they were my children, they would not be allowed to act like that.” That reaction helped my children immeasurably to see that other families may have different values from ours, but it is our values that rule in our household. While it is rarely possible to discipline someone else’s child, I have gone so far as to look an offending child (who was not my offspring) straight in the eye and say with a firm smile and without flinching, “You are so lucky that I am not your mother.” My meaning was seldom lost; they nearly always stopped the unwanted behavior or dropped the selfish attitude and behaved in a more civilized manner. They already knew how far over the line of acceptability they were, but they needed a reminder that someone else was watching.

A positive viewpoint is a wonderful thing to bring home. An encouraging outlook cheers everyone. Conversely, an attitude that produces negative changes in behavior has a nasty effect on everyone who even comes near. I have learned the hard way that I cannot allow these unwanted attitudes to infect my family. I have no problem restricting associations that prove harmful to members of my family. I might decide to skip activities, stop arranging play dates, or just say, “If you continue to bring home _____’s attitude, you will no longer be allowed to go see him/her.” The friendships were not more important than the relationships within our family.

By homeschooling, our children’s friendships are naturally more limited than those of their public schooled counterparts. If my children were only going to have one or two good friends, I wanted those relationships to be worthwhile. Another mom I knew from a very remote area would travel any distance to allow her teen to interact with any other teens, even those of questionable character. I disagreed; I was willing to “go the distance” for a positive, worthwhile experience, but not just because a child demanded to go. Perhaps I have the mercenary tendencies of “what’s in it for me,” but I believe there should be some benefit to my child to make the relationship valid. My child may merely gain experience as a mentor or role model by befriending someone less outgoing than himself, but that in itself is a healthy, positive thing. Picking up harmful second-hand attitudes from those friendships is neither healthy nor positive.

Parents, you have permission to control who your children’s friends are. If your children are old enough or stubborn enough to react negatively to your decision to end their friendship with an unfavorable character, let me assure you that God is just as concerned for your child’s welfare as you are. I have seen many cases where parents prayed for a friendship to dissolve, leaving their child unaffected, and watched exactly that take place. Usually, the offending “friend” became disinterested in continuing the relationship and moved on. At other times, the child’s eyes were suddenly opened to how he was being misused in the relationship, and he broke it off himself.

It took a few tries, but my children finally learned that they could recognize the symptoms of an unwelcome attitude and take steps not to adopt it themselves. In the case of my small daughter going to Grandma’s house, I told her before she left that I expected her to behave the same way at home after visiting Grandma that she had behaved before she went to Grandma’s. She understood that I expected her to be just as helpful and kind when she returned, even though she had not had to lift a finger to help while she was away. There were several times after that that I would notice her begin to respond one way, then catch herself, and change her reaction. Sometimes, she would change a verbal response. At other times, it was just a look on her face that betrayed the presence of The Attitude, and then The Attitude disappeared, leaving her countenance clear and free. In my son’s situation, it was beneficial for the other boys to have him present as a positive role model, but even that relationship had to be ended when it did more harm to him than it did good for them. The welfare of our own family had to take priority.

I read once that the things other people do to us are like bags of garbage they leave on our doorstep. We cannot prevent them from dropping their trash here, but we do not have to bring it inside and spread it around on the furniture. A Second-hand Attitude is nothing more than someone else’s garbage that gets dropped on our doorstep. However, we can recognize it as their trash and refuse to put it on and wear it as our own. If your children bring home an undesirable attitude, help them to recognize it, eliminate it, and take steps to avoid it in the future. If the attitude continues to prevail, do not be reluctant to break off the relationship that generated the attitude change. Second-hand attitudes are infectious, and the welfare of your family must take priority.

Filed Under: Attitudes, Behavior, Discipline, Encouragement for Parents, Family Unity, Homeschool v. Public School, Homeschooling as a Lifestyle, Parenting, Socialization

Taming the Laundry Monster

February 10, 2006 by Leave a Comment

The following encounter between a mother and her two daughters was overheard recently in a department store. Mom looked at #1 teenage daughter’s clothing and proclaimed that the clothes were filthy, asked why the girl had not done her own laundry, and added that Mom was embarrassed to be seen with her in public. (The clothes did not look at all dirty from where the onlooker stood, which was very close by.) Mom further stated that she intended to begin fining Daughter #1 $20 per day until she did her laundry. Daughter #2 then reminded them that she had already claimed the following day for doing her laundry, at which point Daughter #1 became enraged that she would be fined for a day when she could not do her laundry and blamed her sister for the fine. I have stated before that forcing each child to do his own laundry fosters selfishness, not responsibility. Each child should learn to do laundry, but he should learn to be a part of the family team. (In my article “Family is Spelled T-E-A-M,” I explain why each person in our family learned how to run the washer and dryer, and why I required teamwork in checking with others before anyone started a load of laundry.)

When some friends of mine were recently asked what one chore they would gladly give up for life, nearly all mentioned laundry. They all hated doing laundry. I no longer hate doing laundry, but I do not particularly look forward with glee to doing it either. There is a long list of leisure activities I would choose to do before washing, drying, or ironing. I have heard many complaints from families who are unsuccessful in trying to keep up with their laundry, but the story above was the final straw that convinced me to share my recipe for how I tamed the Laundry Monster in our home.

Ingredients
Most important to the organizational process is a 5-foot high, metal shelving unit located near my laundry facilities. These shelves hold large, load-size baskets, each clearly labeled for a specific load of dirty laundry:
— Jeans (may include other heavyweight items)
— Darks (lighter weight than jeans, but still dark-colored: t-shirts, socks, etc.)
— Reds (including deep fuchsia & purple)
— Shirts, Permanent Press, etc. (multi-colored items that may wrinkle if left unattended in the dryer)
— Whites (socks & underwear that may be bleached, so do not include colored items)
— Special Care (delicates, cold-water-wash, dry flat, etc. This often is washed as 2 loads: light & dark colors.)
— Towels/Sheets (the largest basket)

I assembled the deep shelves (18″x36″) with vertical spacing (13-14″ apart) to fit the baskets, which were purchased in sizes (16″x22″ x 10″ high) to fit two per shelf. The only exception is the huge Towels basket (19″x26″ x 12″ high) which by itself takes up the entire bottom shelf. The other baskets slide in side-by-side (2 baskets per shelf) on their shelves, extending lengthwise out over the front of the shelves a few inches. Each shelf is high enough to allow clothing to pile a few inches above the top of each basket. The baskets are labeled on each edge so that they can be identified no matter how they are placed back on the shelf. This system makes it very easy to see which load needs to be done next — an overflowing basket gets the quickest attention.

Next on my organizational supply list are personal laundry baskets (13″ x 18″ x 8 1/2″ high with 2 handles that flip up), at least one for each family member (we have 7 for our family of 4). The ones I purchased at a dollar store resemble the small shopping baskets that grocery stores have for customers who plan to pick up only a few items. These baskets are not labeled, because they circulate randomly among all members of the family. Even a small child can carry one of these baskets if it is not too full. Older children get one or two of these personal-sized baskets full of their clean laundry to put away in their rooms. The empty baskets may then be used on the closet floor as hampers for dirty laundry or returned to the laundry room, where they sit stacked until needed for the next load. When the child’s dirty laundry fills a basket, it is his responsibility to carry the basket (along with any empty hangers) to the laundry room and sort the clothing into the load baskets on the shelves. No wet garments are allowed in the baskets, but damp items may be draped over the front of a basket to dry, making sure they will not mildew before they get attention. (Children too small to sort their own clothing were allowed to leave their basket of dirty laundry on the floor in front of the shelves.) The “Laundry Fairy” notifies kids when they have a full basket of clean things to put away, but the children are responsible for moving their own clothing. Most of the time, I do take care of my husband’s clothing, but he does help, when needed, at any stage of the laundry shuffling process.

In the case of smaller loads, we occasionally combine the contents of certain baskets. Whites and multi-colored permanent press work well together, if no chlorine bleach is used. One or two pairs of jeans can easily be included with the dark t-shirts and socks. If the garments have all been previously washed and are not likely to bleed extra color, I will toss a few red items in with the darks or jeans. I found we were having more and more red garments in our wardrobes, but still not quite enough to produce an entire wash-load of reds each week. At the same time, we needed some new towels, so I purchased red towels, guaranteeing that we would always be able to fill up a load of reds. (One caution from the sad Voice of Experience: never put a sweater in the same load with anything containing Velcro.)

Method
Deeply ingrained in me from multiple rereadings of Frank and Ernestine Gilbreth’s Cheaper by the Dozen, is a firm distaste for performing unnecessary steps in any chore. Therefore, I have tried to eliminate extra steps from my laundry tasks by handling items as few times as possible. When the dryer signals that it has finished a load, I do not pull everything out into a large basket to be dealt with later. Instead, I remove the garments one at a time, hanging or folding them and placing them into personal baskets. By the time the dryer is emptied, a basket has usually been started for each member of the family. At the end of the day, those personal baskets are filled and ready to be carried off by their owners. I shuffle loads from dryer to personal baskets, then from washer to dryer, and from load-baskets to washer. If some family team member is folding and sorting and is unsure of who owns a particular garment, they usually leave the item folded and lying on top of the dryer, to be claimed later by its owner.

My last dryer did not have a “wrinkle reducer” cycle to tumble the dry clothing every few minutes after the load was finished. That meant that occasionally I needed to leave my homeschooling students to go tend to the laundry. I used those times as opportunities to “wean” my students away from Mom’s constant attention: “You work on this page while I go shuffle some laundry, and I will be back in a few minutes to check on you.” They could always come find me if they had a tough question, but I could also stretch my “few minutes” as needed to give them more confidence in working alone. That was also how I got my ironing done.

My husband suspended old broom handles from the laundry room ceiling for me to use as hanging bars. I often hang the freshly dried shirts or other garments that will need to be ironed (separated from the clothes to be returned to closets), to prevent them from becoming more wrinkled. Quite often, the few wrinkles have “hung out” before anyone gets around to ironing them, and they can be worn without disgrace.

I use the end-of-cycle buzzers on both washer and dryer during the day to remind me that I am doing laundry, because any more interesting task between loads is likely to keep me distracted. I wash towels, socks and underwear, or other okay-to-wrinkle items as my last load of the afternoon. If they make it to the dryer before bedtime, they can sit all night in the dryer without making more work (ironing). Sometimes I will start washing a load at bedtime, so that I can start the next day with drying (faster progress is a huge motivator for me). Note to self: turn off the end-of-cycle buzzers before going to bed.

All family members have been taught to empty their own pockets before putting garments in the laundry (what I find, I keep — money, children’s “treasures,” etc.) in an effort to reduce the number of tissues that get washed (I make no guarantees). Also, I called back any family member who put their dirty socks in the baskets balled up — they had to straighten out the socks or the socks would not be washed. (They only had to be called back once or twice to learn to straighten out the socks when taking them off.)

When the weather permitted, I did use a clothesline in the backyard to save money on the power bill, but there were times when my time was just as valuable as the gas and electricity, and I skipped the outdoor drying, Guilt-Free. When I did hang clothing outside, I tried to hang underwear or socks together on the line to make the folding and sorting stage as simple as it was from the dryer.

Heavy sweaters often carry the warning “support and dry flat,” so I usually dried sweaters on my ironing board, but they could take several days to dry, leaving the ironing board unavailable. I have a folding, wooden drying rack that I use for delicate hand-washables, and I hit upon a solution one day when the laundry room was overflowing. I spread the rack out and laid thick bath towels across each level of dowel rods, creating towel-and-rod “shelves” that would each support a couple of sweaters. No more waiting for the ironing board, and no more “lines” from draping the sweaters over bare rods.

One last trick to prevent the Laundry Monster from tackling you when you least expect it: own more than a week’s supply of socks and underwear. This is also a good idea for college life, since college students rarely get time away from classes and studies for such frivolous pursuits as doing laundry. My husband has simplified things even more by having one drawer for all his undershirts and another for underwear (no folding required), one drawer for white socks and one drawer for black socks. The socks are all identical (except for the color), meaning they do not have to be matched up or folded. Buying extra sheets has saved me from having to suddenly make a bed at 10 pm, when all I wanted to do was lie down on it. Now when I strip off the soiled sheets, I can put clean ones back on immediately.

This system may require a little start-up money, especially if you want to get all new baskets, a shelving unit, and extra underwear for each family member. I grew into my own system by buying the large shelves first and starting with the few smaller baskets I already owned. As my older baskets deteriorated, I replaced them with new ones of the desired size. You can adapt my system to your own family’s needs, but give your family members plenty of instructions for how the system is to operate and allow them some adjustment time to make it work. Occasionally, I needed to remind my children to take their dirty clothes to the laundry area or put their clean things away, but overall it is a system that has worked for us for years. (I have been known to place 3 full-to-overflowing baskets of my son’s clean clothing in front of the stairway, blocking the path to his room, and forcing him to attend to them.) The shelves of load-baskets make it so apparent which load needs to be done next, that I have become accustomed to starting the fullest load each morning after I take my shower. I have been affectionately dubbed the “Laundry Fairy” by my husband, who says clean socks just magically appear before he runs out.

Filed Under: Family Unity, Home Chores

The Importance of Play in Education

September 21, 2005 by Leave a Comment

Back in the days when my children were toddlers and our home resembled a Fisher-Price obstacle course, I used to envy a local toy lending library. What if I could follow that method at home and keep all toys, books, and other childhood paraphernalia sorted into locked cabinets, allowing my “patrons” to borrow only three items per week? The restrictions could be expanded to enforce the replacement of all playthings after 5:00 pm and prohibit their removal before 9:00 am the next morning. Nothing would be allowed to remain on the floor in major traffic paths, puzzle pieces would never be lost (or eaten), and life would be peaceful and pleasant. That, however, was only a daydream, and like nearly all daydreams, it is not compatible with reality.

As messy as playtime can become, I have learned to see the tremendous value in it for education. When I enrolled my son in public Kindergarten (yes, that was a mistake, but I remedied it the following year), the teacher spent a brief time with each child and assessed their skills. She praised me for having given my son so many different experiences, from trips to the zoo to reading books to him. She praised his ability to use scissors, crayons, markers, and paintbrushes with relative proficiency. She said he ranked far above some of her previous students in his knowledge and talents. Silly me, all this time I had thought that was what parents were supposed to do with their children. What has filled the past five years, if a child entering Kindergarten has never used crayons or sat on a lap to hear a story?

I have friends who have recently returned from several years as missionaries in Africa. In hearing the mundane details of their daily routines, I began to see deeper into the value of children’s playtime. The toys I used to dread picking up day after day are not available to most African-bush children or to the poorer children of any culture. The education supplied by what we consider to be simple toys was demonstrated in the adult man who was employed as household help for this missionary family. He worked for them for several years and yet never could master the task of stacking the bowls, pans, or containers in the kitchen cupboards. The colorful, nesting cups that my children stacked into towers, knocked over, nested together, dumped out, and stacked again had not played a foundational role in this man’s education. As a result, he was not familiar with a concept that is so incredibly common to most of us. This gap in his education left him confused as to how to successfully arrange the kitchenware with largest on the bottom and smallest on the top. Repeated demonstrations and instructions did not help. His lack of experience in the early years had left a seemingly permanent mark.

Just as adults can become bored with doing the same repetitive tasks over and over, children also appreciate variety in their playtime. If I can belabor the nesting cups topic just a bit longer, any variety within that task will act to further the child’s understanding of the nesting concept, whether various shapes of cups (round, square, hexagonal, etc.) or different types of stackable items (paper cups, Mom’s measuring cups with handles, or an assortment of empty shoe boxes in graduated sizes). Other types of toys expand upon this same nesting principle: stacking colored rings onto a peg in size order, nesting dolls, even shape-sorter toys combine the principle of matching with nesting the object into its coordinating hole. Likewise, variety enriches lessons of all types for older children; hands-on learning goes much farther than simply breaking up the boredom.

Children learn from the moment they take their first breath, from learning how to express discomfort and that their expression results in someone’s attention to those needs, to observing how others around them eat, speak, walk, and draw pictures. Toy tools give early practice to the budding carpenters, just as toy kitchens help to prepare the future cooks. Puzzles teach problem solving, fine-tune motor skills, and improve observation and memory skills. Dolls offer children “parenting” opportunities, from dressing the baby to cuddling and comforting. Art and craft materials broaden a child’s ability to express his ideas, improve motor coordination, and satisfy the grandparents’ need for something to put on the refrigerator door. Stop for a moment to ponder the educational gaps in the child who grows up without any of these “playtime” skills.

It has been said that “play is a child’s work,” and there are many aspects where that is true. Children work hard at their playtime, often becoming physically exhausted through their efforts and needing a rest from playtime. We should also expect that they will experience mental fatigue when they have been engrossed in play tasks that require thinking and problem solving, such as nesting the boxes mentioned above (for the littlest ones) or assembling a jigsaw puzzle (for somewhat older children).

Moms and Dads, although your family’s collection of playthings may never seem to stop growing and rarely seems to be out from underfoot, be assured that those toys are serving a very valuable purpose in your little ones’ lives. The more experiences you can offer your children with widely varied play activities, including problem solving concepts or art and craft materials, the better equipped your children will be when it comes time for them to delve into “real” learning experiences.

[See also Sorting Toys Is Algebra]

Filed Under: Encouragement for Parents, Encouraging Your Student, Family Unity, Learning Outside the Books, Preschoolers, Tactile Learning

Limiting “Worldly” Vocabulary

August 30, 2005 by Leave a Comment

It happened again. I was sitting with a group of believers, enjoying the fellowship, and it happened. Someone felt it was necessary and strangely appropriate to share a “funny story” that included vulgar language or references to vulgar topics. Uncomfortable faces dotted the circle as a few people looked at the floor, others smirked, and a few let slip some mostly stifled laughter.

I have been in many home fellowships, organized church groups, Christian conferences, and just about any other form of Christian gathering you can think of. In every setting, sooner or later, someone uses language he should not or brings up a topic that is better left untouched. I am not trying to be an extremist or self-righteous: there are a couple of carelessly used slang words that I am trying to purge from my own vocabulary. However, I am more willing to extend grace to the new believer than I am to the Christian who is “old enough to know better.” When the offending party is not a brand-new believer, but instead is a pastor, study leader, or other semi-mature believer, I cannot help but be saddened by the influence of the world on a Godly person.

I was appalled into a speechless stupor one night as two men whom I had (until this point) admired as dedicated Christians held a casual discussion on which obscenities had become mere slang terms in our culture and which ones they considered to still be true swear words. Not only did I consider this to be a completely inappropriate discussion, but it also was neither encouraging nor edifying to the other members of the Body of Christ who were present. To say I was offended by their behavior would be a gross understatement. I deeply regret being shocked beyond words — I wished that I (or anyone present) had had the fortitude to speak a word of rebuke.

As Christians, we are admonished not to conform to the world (Romans 12:2) and not to speak unwholesome words (Ephesians 4:29). Therefore, I was greatly encouraged by my own homeschool mentor who, years ago, told me that she had required her family to substitute less-offensive words for what she considered “worldly” terms: words for certain bodily functions, topics that should not be brought up in public gatherings, “mild” swear words — the things that many Christians say just because “everyone else” does.

I find this language among professing Christians to be not only offensive, but it also has the effect of bringing us down to the level of the world. We can effectively communicate without having to stoop to the level of the world — we do not have to use their vocabulary. We all should have learned by an early age that certain topics are best discussed in private or in the doctor’s office, and Jesus encouraged us to let our “yes” and “no” mean exactly that, so that we do not have to reinforce them with stronger words.

Our presence as representatives of Jesus in this world is to be as salt (either adding flavor or bringing healing) and light (vanquishing the darkness). Nowhere in scripture are we advised to lower ourselves to the standards of the world. However, we are urged to build up the Body of Christ and encourage each other in the faith (Hebrews 3:13; 1 Thessalonians 5:11). Our prudent choice of words will help.

Filed Under: Behavior, Family Unity, Parenting, Role-Modeling

When Good Kids Become Not So Good

April 25, 2005 by 1 Comment

[This article may not be much help to parents whose children are in total rebellion. Not having experienced that, I feel unqualified to speak to it. It is my desire to help families stop problems while they are still small, in order to prevent them from becoming huge. My son is now a sophomore in our local community college and a most wonderful young man. I will attempt to explain the changes we went through.]

You had a few beautiful babies, you survived their transitions from infancy through toddlerhood into childhood, you are now homeschooling little sponges who soak up everything you present, and life is good. Then one day one of your sweet, adorable, precious babes morphs into this mouthy, irritating, button-pushing creature that you do not even recognize most of the time. How in the world did this happen? What can you do to reverse it and get your sweetie back?

As a general rule, I did not allow sassy, mouthy comments or superior attitudes as a part of normal communication. Occasionally, we would all engage in some light-hearted teasing, but never aimed at embarrassment, humiliation, or ridicule. (If you can’t feel “safe” with your own family, where can you feel safe?) I have noticed, however, many families whose children are permitted on a regular basis to say very hurtful things in very hurtful ways to parents, siblings, and non-family members, and often without any correction whatsoever. I have many memories of gently, but firmly, pulling one of my children aside to a private conference, where I explained what I had found objectionable, what I considered a proper alternative response to be, why this behavior should not be repeated, exactly what the consequences of a repeat offense would be, and what must be done immediately as restitution.

Despite this basic training in acceptable behavior, sometime in his pre-teen years, my son gradually began mouthing off more and more often, purposely irritating his sister, and becoming generally more uncooperative to me. My husband and I tried heart-to-heart discussions, reminding him that this behavior would not be tolerated, and that helped — a little. We revoked privileges as necessary with the same results: temporary turn-arounds, but not a long-term change of heart. It seemed as though there were still times when he just had to misbehave, as if it was uncontrollable, pent-up frustration.

A couple of years before this, we had joined a homeschool co-op group where my children made new friends, we participated in many activities with the group, and we all enjoyed the fellowship. However, there were some undesirable elements in this group, but they were not other children — it was a few of the adults with exceptionally rigorous, legalistic standards. It seemed that the most unreasonable parents had especially introverted offspring and did not respond well to outgoing, fun-loving, happy children acting like children.

When one of the ultra-legalistic parents felt my son had stepped over the line on her rules governing our coop-class days, he replied that he was not aware of any wrong-doing. When I also stood up to her abusive control and supported my son, it was a breakthrough point for both of us. He was thrilled to know that Mom believed in him, and I was thrilled to know he was strong enough to stand up against corrupt authority.

We were attending a church at that time that was also less than desirable. Through several nightmarish situations, we decided to break fellowship with both the church and the homeschool group. It was like the dawning of a new day. The longer we had stayed with both groups, the worse my son’s attitude had become, only I could not see that at the time. Once we were free and the haze had cleared, I began to see that both of those groups had put an expectation on my son that boys are bad. Even though my son had a good, pure heart, the atmosphere of both places was poison to him. He was told he would be mouthy, rebellious, and a trouble-maker, and he found himself fulfilling those expectations even when he did not try to do so knowingly.

My prayer at that time was to be able to teach and discipline the boy, while still encouraging the young man within. It is a difficult transition when our sons and daughters begin to look like the men and women of their future adulthood, but think and act like the children they still are inside. A mom sometimes has to reprimand a teen-aged boy with great tact so as not to emasculate the man who will later head his own household. I tried to be especially sensitive to my son’s physical, mental, and emotional changes, speaking to him as to an adult, so as to avoid insulting his efforts to attain manhood. At the same time, I tried my best to remember that he was not yet an adult and that his occasional childlike behavior was appropriate to his age.

As we began attending a new church, we did not whine or complain about our previous situations, but quietly joined the fellowship with no “baggage.” People in the new church saw things quite differently: since my son was no longer expected to be the token hoodlum or trouble-making ringleader of the group, he did not feel the need to act out. He could relax and be himself again, without fear of anyone lurking around corners, watching his every move. He was recognized as a peer-leader in the youth fellowship and held up to all as a prime example of a fine young man (age 13). What a boost that was to his self-image! He was suddenly free of the negative cloud that had shadowed him for several years, and he felt led to rededicate his life to Jesus Christ and begin afresh. Since that time, he has grown tremendously in his personal faith, makes time every day to read his Bible, and has a strong desire to serve God in whatever capacity is available. He now has a true servant’s heart where he formerly had frustration and confusion.

My summary advice is to look outside of your currently-not-so-good child to see if there is a larger influence causing the problems. I firmly believe that children need to be allowed their small, harmless, “finding myself” rebellions so that they will not need larger ones, but sometimes they may be the innocent good apples stuck in the barrel with the proverbial bad apple. God’s guidance pulled us away from two bad influences before permanent harm was done, and I pray the same for your family, that God will guide you to break any ties that may be potentially harmful.

Filed Under: Attitudes, Behavior, Family Unity, Sibling Relationships
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