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The Ideal Homeschool Atmosphere

April 20, 2005 by Leave a Comment

More than anything else, I need (________) to homeschool effectively. What would you put in that blank? My guess is that nearly everyone’s answer would match mine: patience. I hear it from other Moms, I read it in online forums, I see it at homeschool get-togethers: patience is a primary goal for most homeschooling parents. There is that old line about the most dangerous way to get patience is to pray for it, because God will allow you to go through a very painstaking process to develop patience. Homeschooling often seems to fit that description quite well. Besides desiring patience for ourselves as teachers, we secondly wish for our students to have patience: with themselves in learning difficult lesson concepts, with their siblings, with us as fumbling, first-time teachers.

A similar aspiration to patience would have to be self-control. I may be able to find the patience to go over a lesson for the umpteenth time, trying to help my student understand the concept, but I definitely have difficulty with self-control over my initial reactions. Frustration, anger, despair, confusion, and many other emotions may burst to the surface before I can stop them. Sometimes laughter erupts at the most inopportune times, leaving my child embarrassed and self-conscious, when that is never my intention. Students also will benefit from a healthy dose of self-control — sibling rivalry starts with a lack of it and could be stopped by the presence of it. Control over self and all of self’s insecurities would propel students forward to try again and again without despairing over repeated failures.

What other attributes do I desire for my children to have as they grow into adulthood? Primarily, I want my children to have faith — a strong faith in God that will stay with them for a lifetime. Faith, an unyielding trust in God, is what keeps us going during the dark times, the hard seasons of life. Faith, a reliance upon God alone, pays its own rewards when no one else seems to notice our efforts. Faith reminds us to be humble and to look upon others through God’s eyes of unconditional love.

I also want my children to be kind to each other, to be kind to others outside our family, to be kind to animals, to treat all of life as the precious creations of God. I want them to be gentle with their younger siblings, gentle with their pets, and gentle with their possessions. Kindness, gentleness, and respect are virtues that no one can argue against.

We all remind our children to “be good.” When they go off to play with a friend, when they leave home for a weekend at Grandma’s, when we leave the room to answer the telephone, we admonish them to be good. “Good” is a relative term. “Good” is much better than “bad,” but not quite as nice as “wonderful.” Of course, I want my children to obey the family rules and to stay away from drugs, tobacco, and alcohol, but I do not just want them to be good, I also want them to do good. I want them to think of others first and offer the last brownie to someone else before snarfing it down themselves. I want them to carry the groceries in from the car instead of considering that to be Mom’s job. I want them to pick up after themselves, not just to avoid being nagged about it, but because they know they should do it. I know my children will play nicely with others, will say “please” and “thank you” to Grandma, and will not kick the dog the minute my back is turned, but I also want them to be shining examples of goodness wherever they go in life.

When my children have learned to be kind to each other, to do good for each other, to treat things gently, and to trust God for patience with me, with their siblings, and with themselves, and when I have gained self-control and patience in teaching, our homeschool days will be filled with peace and joy and love for each other. However, our personal attempts at mastering each of these things are limited by our human capabilities. I will be sailing along, having a great day, thinking that everything is finally going according to plan, and boom — it all falls apart. Something surprisingly insignificant can trigger a chain reaction of nuclear proportions, tumbling my perfect day into ruins.

The only solution is to bring in a power larger than myself to maintain the peace. God’s word says that love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control are the fruit of His Holy Spirit. A life filled with the Holy Spirit will bloom with these attributes. They are the direct results, the consequences, of giving one’s life over to God’s control. No matter how much I try on my own, no amount of effort will produce them with any lasting results. Only God has the ability to control my self-will, place in me the desire to be truly good or kind or gentle, to keep me at peace, to fill me with His love, and to override all the downfalls of my days with His ever-present joy. The ideal life and the ideal homeschool atmosphere are the outcome of total reliance on God for His guidance every day — and I have to remind myself of it every day.

Filed Under: Family Unity, Homeschool How-To's, Scripture Applied to Homeschooling

Involving Dads in Homeschooling

March 23, 2005 by Leave a Comment

Moms often ask how to include their husbands in the homeschooling process. Dad is doing his best to earn the living that makes homeschooling possible, but he also may feel like he is not directly involved with the children’s education. There are many facets of education, and Dad can fit in during the free time he does have. Dad’s time with the children may often be limited, but it is always worth waiting for.

Reading — My husband did not read great quantities of books to our children, but he did read certain books over and over to them. Children know their favorite books by heart and instantly recognize anything added in or left out. His favorite trick was including a lizard that was never in the actual stories. He would be reading along and just say the word “lizard” while turning a page, change a character’s name to Larry the Lizard, or add an entirely new sentence about how the lizard who lived next door came over to play. The children shrieked with delight at every lizard, and lovingly scolded Dad that there was not supposed to be a lizard in that book.

Dads add character voices and sound effects all their own, beyond the bounds of Mom’s repertoire. It may be the deep resonance of Dad’s voice that can be physically felt while snuggled against his chest, but there is something extra-special about sitting in Daddy’s lap for a book.

Sports — My non-sports-nut husband took our kids biking, hiking, sledding, swimming, skating (standard & inline), bowling, and fishing, usually after a long, tiring day at work. He drove them to soccer practice, attended every game, and even helped out as assistant coach for a season. He got down and dirty playing paintball with our teenaged son and other dads and lads. Meanwhile, Mom, whose idea of cutting-edge sports is doing the Sunday crossword puzzle in ink, was very glad to have Dad’s enthusiastic partnership. No matter how hard I have tried, my athletic ability is moot. What I lack in talent and coordination I try to make up in enthusiasm. I would happily hold the family’s accumulated belongings while my husband accompanied the children on every ride the amusement park offered, knowing there was not enough motion-sickness medicine on the planet to get me through the three minutes of torture from a single ride. Without my husband’s participation, our children’s lives would have been sadly idle.

Rough-housing — Dads play horsey; Moms cuddle & kiss boo-boo’s. Children know that Dad will wrestle and toss them into the air and swing them around and around. Dads make every event thrilling just by being Dad. Too many times to count, I have said, “No, you probably shouldn’t do that — it looks dangerous,” only to have my husband grin and say, “Why not? Let’s try it!” I gave in because my husband was there to supervise, participate, or control the situation from getting out of hand. Dad added an element of surprise, a thrill of adventure, and a safety net all at the same time.

Dads teach weekend home improvement and car maintenance, as much through letting Little Brother watch as through actually allowing Bigger Brother help. Our Christmas breaks were often a time for our son to be Dad’s apprentice for painting, wiring the garage, removing wallpaper, or numerous small projects around the house. At age 18 my son readily stepped into the handyman roll at a friend’s apartment, having practiced the basics with Dad and Grandpa from a very young age.

Some homeschooling families are able to share the teaching responsibilities — we know a few Dads who like to teach their children upper level math and science. Other families have found that Dad’s work schedule did not allow him to contribute very often to the actual teaching process, and Mom could adequately cover their academics. Whatever and whenever Dad can participate, his contribution will leave a lasting impact. Dads are exciting — no matter what they do, it becomes an adventure, while Moms teach quietly unexciting homemaking skills. Dads use tools like drills and saws; Moms use rubber spatulas.

Include Dad in your homeschooling at every opportunity. It will be as much of an adventure for him as it is for Mom and the children. Remember, it does not have to involve books to be education.

Filed Under: Auditory Learning, Encouragement for Parents, Family Unity, Homeschool How-To's, Kinesthetic Learning

Teaching Decision-Making

March 21, 2005 by Leave a Comment

Involve your children in as many real-life, grown-up, decision-making processes as you can. This process will show them a clear picture of life, not the TV version that they are often (unfortunately) convinced is reality. Children who are involved in the reasoning behind a decision that directly affects them are more likely to accept that decision. Bonus: it shows children the applied wisdom of their parents, which is never shown on television. The level of involvement for the youngest children may simply be an explanation of how and why the decision was made by the parents, with the children’s role increasing as they grow older. Let them know what criteria were considered, so that they will begin to understand what factors are involved in making a wise choice.

I began simply by giving my toddler the choice of two shirts to wear. That meant it was still her decision, even though I had directed it somewhat. With my guidance of “a pattern needs to be matched with a solid color,” my child could soon begin to select both the top and bottom of an outfit, and I did not have to fear the public criticism of, “Oh, so you’re letting her dress herself.”

I gradually increased my children’s responsibility levels with their decisions, and before long I had wise-deciders on my hands. My children, at middle-school level, were already making many decisions involving their own lives — decisions that their friends were still having made for them by their parents. (A simple example is curriculum choices — my children were allowed to decide on supplemental subjects, literature choices, etc.) Taking this to the extreme, I have met college-age students who still expected Mom and Dad to make all their decisions for them, simply because Mom and Dad always had, and therefore the students had no clue what they really wanted anyway. Tragic. And so preventable.

It is quite possible to give a child choices without completely manipulating his entire life. Once in a while, you will hold your breath (as I did) and pray silently while your teenager is deciding whether or not he really wants to go to a friend’s party. If the decision-making skills have been effectively passed on, you will see the same miracle take place before your eyes that I saw: my student reasoned aloud to us that this was a school night, he really didn’t care for the other people who would be attending, and he would rather invite his friend over another day for a worthy activity involving just the two of them. Then we calmly praised his decision as being the best choice in the situation and celebrated (again, silently; embarrassment = discouragement) as he exited the room.

Children who observe or participate in the family decision-making process will not only adapt more easily to the family’s choices, but will be better equipped to make their own good choices in life. Simple explanations of the criteria considered will help young children understand why specific choices were made. Older children may have valuable input to offer the family council, while still allowing the parents to maintain the seat of authority. Children who are not given reasons why a specific decision was made will not have a clear view of the Big Picture and will be more likely to rebel against that ruling. Children who grow up learning to make their own decisions on increasingly important issues will be well equipped to handle life on their own as confident young adults.

Filed Under: Family Unity, Homeschool How-To's

Ladies — What Day Is It?

February 10, 2005 by Leave a Comment

Caution: Pull back your toes… I’m about to step on them. I have recently addressed the issue of Drama Queens. The next obvious question is: are they learning it from you? Do you warn everyone to “stay away” during your PMS days? Do you escalate minor events to cataclysmic proportions during certain times of the month? Can everyone (including the mail carrier) tell when that time has arrived, based solely on the tension level around your house?

Take a personal “inventory” — if you have no legitimate reason for feeling angry or sad or tense, then take a look at the calendar: what day is it? Is that the reason for your emotional overload? If so, then swallow hard and get on with life. It is not your family’s fault that your cycle has cycled around again, so do not inflict punishment on them for nature’s timing. Besides — you do not need the extra guilt from mistreating the people you love most.

Realizing why I felt the way I felt (when I knew good and well there was no substantial reason for the emotions) always made it easier for me to ignore the monthly symptoms and get back to feeling like myself again. Time after time, I would find myself getting extremely upset over absolutely nothing. I could become so jittery that I felt my clothing would wear out from the inside. Other times, the most innocent comment from my husband would put me near tears. Time to check the calendar. Sure enough — the weeks had rolled by again, and I needed to get myself under control. On the odd day that simply acknowledging the cause did not dismiss the symptoms, I could take a couple of Tylenol and soon be feeling relatively normal again.

Experiment with your diet — an allergist once told me that we often crave the foods that we are sensitive to and should stay far away from. If you find yourself craving certain foods at certain times, monitor how your body reacts to those foods. Next month, try avoiding the object of your cravings and see if it makes a significant difference in how you feel. Sugar is the primary thing I avoid for a few days each month, just before my cycle begins and continuing for the first few days, to eliminate cramping. After many months of trial and (ouch) error, I discovered the precise timing and diet combination to give me symptom-free days. (Quite a change from being incapacitated for 2 days each month!) Natural sweeteners, such as honey or fruit juices, cause me no problems and can fulfill my sweet-craving needs without causing distress. For other women, salt is the culprit. You will have a good idea of what to start monitoring based on what you find yourself craving.

A friend with several sons was thrilled to finally get a daughter, but then lamented that the menfolk would eventually have to “put up with two of us.” She held to a theory that all the women in a household will automatically shift their cycles to concur with each other. I have never experienced that — and I came from a family full of girls and had several female roommates during college. Old wives’ tales are often just that and nothing more.

Once my dietary complexities had been wrangled into submission and my calendar had revealed its secrets, my days could continue one after another with wonderful consistency. No one has ever blamed me for being a PMS-witch, or even suspected where I was, cycle-wise. My husband recently commented that I am the most even-keeled woman he has ever known — and now you all know my secret.

Filed Under: Attitudes, Behavior, Family Unity

Mundanes, Too-days, & Woe-is-me-days

February 3, 2005 by 1 Comment

Another week of sub-freezing temperatures. Another layer of snow and ice. Another bout of colds and flu. Just a few weeks ago, you would have loved to have a few weeks with no holidays; now you are doing lessons day after day after day without a break, and you think you will all go stark raving crazy. All members of the Average Family Homeschool are tired of the routine, tired of being stuck indoors, tired of having to wear socks and shoes and sweaters, tired of having to sit still and write lessons, tired of staring at the same faces everyday, and tired of being tired of it all. Cabin Fever has set in.

Sometimes my calendar had Mondays, Tuesdays, and Wednesdays. At other times my days became Mundane with routine, some weeks had Too much of everything, and I felt as if someone would find me rocking back and forth in a corner, my head in my hands, sobbing Woe is me. (The nice, young men in their clean, white coats should come and take me away.) It was time for a change to the routine. Schedule be hanged — our mental health needed emergency first aid.

Desperate times call for desperate measures. When you need a complete break from normal — the wilder, the better. The important message to convey is that your family is what is most important to you, not your schedule. Taking even one day away from your usual routine can be very therapeutic for all of you. After a break, you will feel as if the cobwebs have been swept away from your brain cells — everyone’s mind will be able to think more clearly, and lessons that were difficult just a few days ago may suddenly seem simple.

Depending on the ages and personalities of your children, you may want to let them help plan for the Break Day, or you may want to spring it on them as a great surprise. However you decide to break up your routine, be sure to include all family members — especially Dad, if his job schedule will allow. If Dad’s work cannot provide him with time off, plan extra activities for after Dad gets home from work to include him in the fun. Dads like breaks, too, and Cabin Fever strikes everyone.

A friend of mine would randomly declare “Opposite Day!” on a winter-weary morning and serve her children hot dogs for breakfast, saving the oatmeal for supper. They all had to change into fresh pajamas for the day, and then sleep in their clothes that night. Throughout the day, anyone could declare an “opposite” activity from the normal, and all family members had to participate. The ideas that came about were always fun and always involved a twist on what we commonly expect as “normal.” “Set the table” for dinner, complete with placemats and napkins, on the floor; put a simple jigsaw puzzle together face-down; make turkey-shaped decorations for Valentine’s Day, etc. The only limitation was their imaginations. By the end of Opposite Day, everyone had enjoyed a wonderful break from routine, and their minds were refreshed with new thinking skills.

“Backwards Day” is a similar event, but differs in allowing individual activities to be done in reverse order. Your dinner menu can still come at its regular time, but everyone eats dessert first and finishes with a salad. Again, your imaginations are encouraged to run amok — smashing the normal routine is the goal — for one day, anyway. (I can think of a few energetic little boys who would eagerly accept the challenge to take every step backwards for an entire day.)

If your family has the means and the opportunity, taking a weekend away at a hotel can be a delightful break. The mid-winter blues can be effectively driven away with a few hours in the hotel swimming pool — especially now that many hotels are building complete indoor water-parks. (Those people really know how to fill a need!) Complete your weekend with a museum tour, family movie night, or shopping at different stores than you usually frequent.

A city near us is home to a Botanical Center: a huge glass-domed structure filled with exotic flowers, trees, and tropical plants of all types; hummingbirds and butterflies flit from petal to petal, and exotic fish swim lazily in the ponds and streams that wind throughout the Xanadu-like oasis. Winter coats must remain on the lobby coat racks — it is just too warm inside the dome for anything heavier than a t-shirt. Even the dreary gray sky outside looks warm and friendly when viewed from behind a banana tree. (Note to the pollen-sensitive: I finally had to restrict my visits to the dome: the exotic pollens sent my allergies into hyper-drive. If you are not embarrassed to wear one, a breathing mask made a short visit endurable for me, then I let my husband and kids continue their tour while I checked out the sofas in the peaceful lobby with a favorite book.)

Sometimes we took Get-Away Days, leaving town for a taste of new scenery; other times we planned Game Days: doing no bookwork, but playing games of all sorts for our educational activities. Whatever you choose for your break from the routine, enjoy it to the fullest — Guilt-Free. Once you are back at your regularly scheduled program, you will all think more clearly and have new memories to laugh about. You have worked hard to get yourselves to this stage of needing a break; now work just as hard at refreshing yourselves — you deserve it.

Filed Under: Activity Ideas, Family Unity, Homeschool How-To's

Dropping the Drama

January 27, 2005 by 1 Comment

Drama is a word that is used much too often today. T-shirts and other merchandise proclaiming “Drama Queen” can be spotted at any mall, both on the racks and on the shoppers. Young girls often boast that the name fits them, and then they exhibit the behavior to prove it. Males are not completely exempt from this behavior, although it seems to be found more often in females. Parents can be heard applying the epithet to their offspring. Are these harmless jests, or is there more to it?

The current context in which “drama” is being used refers to an excessive focus on self. A “drama queen” takes petty things too seriously and pays no attention whatsoever to the things in life that really matter. Keeping the focus on one’s self feeds the ego. A well-fed ego is displayed in pride. Pride is something we are warned about in God’s Word as being evil; it is considered one of the “seven deadly sins” that anyone should try to avoid.

We speak often to children about getting our “feelings” hurt. The feeling that is getting hurt in that instance is pride. If someone “hurts my feelings,” I have to assume that my pride is what is actually being offended (since there is no accompanying physical wound). My personal opinion is that if I have pride regarding the matter at hand, then it needs to be removed — so go ahead and let me have it.

When I was a young girl (probably early high school age), the retired couple next door worked at a group home for troubled children. They were the “relief” parents and alternated between the boys’ cottage and the girls’ cottage, filling in while the regular staff took time off each week. One day, after a particularly trying weekend, the older gentleman gave me a few words of sage advice that have stuck with me my entire life: “Grow up to be a boy, not a girl.” He quickly went on to explain his thoughts, probably due to the extreme confusion on my face. He said the girls they worked with would become upset at the least offense and held grudges for days or weeks, sometimes months. The boys were quite the opposite; he could reprimand one of the boys for the most serious rules infraction, and five minutes later, that boy would still be his best friend. His simple advice to me was to drop the drama and get on with life — do not take myself too seriously.

A Drama Queen is probably feeding her self-obsession from all the wrong sources: television soap operas and drama series, movies lacking admirable characters and a worthwhile plot, “romance” novels, and song lyrics and music videos devoted to self, self, self. Take inventory of what your pre-teens and early teens are reading, watching, and listening to. Paul wrote in Philippians 4:8, “Fix your thoughts on what is true and honorable and right. Think about things that are pure and lovely and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.” [New Living Translation] Just as we say with nutrition: you are what you eat — if “junk food” is consumed into our brains, we can only expect the same to come forth from our emotions.

Encouraging dramatic behavior in ourselves or in our children does no good for anyone. It maintains an over-emphasis on self, instead of looking for how we can serve others, as Jesus advocated and modeled for us. The popular “What Would Jesus Do?” evaluation can help us tremendously in straightening out our priorities. Reading the original In His Steps by Charles Sheldon can be a wonderful dose of perspective for anyone (children’s versions are now available). We need to explain this same principle to our children as they are growing up: we should show them how to help others and how to reach out to others to keep them from focusing continually on themselves. If you live in America today, you are extremely wealthy, compared to nearly anywhere else on the planet — no matter who you are or what you own. Find someone else to focus on, volunteer to help with a community or church outreach, and stop thinking the world revolves around you. Drop the drama and get on with life.

Filed Under: Attitudes, Behavior, Family Unity

Is This “Acceptable Behavior”?

January 25, 2005 by Leave a Comment

As we congratulated the graduating homeschool senior, he addressed us as Mr. and Mrs. Morrison and thanked us for attending the ceremony. My husband fondly gripped his shoulder and chuckled, “You can call me by my first name — you’re an adult now.” The young man’s face showed a touch of embarrassment as he glanced around the room for his parents. “No,” he replied, “I can’t.” We understood. The graduate’s parents insisted that their children address adults by formal titles and last names only. To do otherwise was considered unacceptable behavior in their family.

Some parents instruct their children to call me Miss Carolyn, others call me Mrs. Morrison, and still others simply use my first name with no formal title, which is actually my preference as a very casual Midwesterner. The decision of how to address elders lies with each family and their preference for formality, and the manners are enforced by them, not by me. This philosophy also applies to “store manners,” “indoor voices,” “company behavior,” and other special occasions for which we have special rules. Each family sets and enforces its own guidelines for acceptable behavior.

When my children exhibited behavior that was inappropriate for the circumstances, I quietly took the offender aside and explained in age-appropriate language why this was not acceptable behavior and offered an alternative response so that the child would know how I expected him to act the next time. Removing the child from the public eye for this heart-to-heart chat avoided further embarrassment for either of us, thereby preventing revenge from becoming part of the mix. If an apology was required, I also tried to help the child see the situation from the opposing point of view, so that (hopefully) he could empathize with the offended party and offer a sincere apology.

Once the limits of acceptability have been established, the parent can simply ask the child “Is this acceptable behavior?” The child now knows the answer himself and can correct his actions without further discussion. Sometimes the parent may need to use a slightly firmer tact of “This is not acceptable behavior,” but the outcome should still be the same with the child correcting his own actions. If the child has successfully learned what is and what is not acceptable behavior, the parent does not need to go through the teaching process again any time a rule has been broken. To do so raises the child to the position of control in the situation — something no parent wants to have happen.

We have all been caught in the supermarket checkout lane when an over-tired toddler takes control of his harried parent. Either the child is immediately rewarded with candy, toys, and mechanical pony rides, or all the other shoppers in the store are subjected to his ear-piercing screams until he finally does get his way. (I am continually reminded by my young adult children, “You never let us get away with that behavior!” I am not sure if they are bothered more by the disruption or by the thought that they missed out on a lot of loot.) When my young children asked if they could have a toy or candy, I gave them a definite answer, either yes or no. In the case of a negative answer, they would often ask again a few seconds later. I always replied, “I already answered that. Will my answer change?” It took very few repetitions of this scenario before they learned to stop asking — Mom almost never changed her mind. Once they had learned not to beg and plead for trinkets and trifles, it was great fun for me to offer them a treat as a reward for good behavior. The reward was not given on every trip, though, lest it become expected and cease being a reward.

Expect your children to test the limits you set up. (See Parent Is a Verb for a more complete explanation of why children test boundaries.) Do not expect children to understand acceptable vs. unacceptable behavior unless a thorough explanation has also been given at some point in time. However, once the boundaries have been set, your word should remain law with only very rare exceptions allowed under extreme circumstances. Only occasional reminders should be necessary to correct unacceptable situations, keeping the parents in the seat of authority and keeping the children much happier with a lowered level of stress in the entire family.

Filed Under: Behavior, Family Unity, Parenting
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