You are here: Home / Archives for Family Unity

The Wise Man Learns from the Mistakes of Others, The Fool Has to Learn from His Own

January 5, 2005 by 4 Comments

Before you reach for your concordance, I will admit that the title is not a verse from Proverbs. It is, however, a teaching from the book of Proverbs, stated many times in a variety of ways. As King Solomon put it, the fool is incapable of learning anything from anyone else. If we can find a lesson to be learned in any situation, we make ourselves wise.

My family has often analyzed the conversations and actions of others, not for the purpose of ridicule, but in order to learn valuable lessons ourselves. We have also analyzed circumstances and commended the person involved for the way they handled it: it does not have to be a mistake in order to learn the lesson. I am a firm believer in learning from others, if only to avoid the pain and embarrassment of having to go through their mistakes myself. I also have used the actions of others many times as examples with my children. “Do you think she reacted properly in that situation?” “How could he have handled that differently?” “What would you do if you found yourself in similar circumstances?” “How do you think that situation could have been avoided?” We readily apply this technique to analyzing literature — why do we hesitate to apply it to real life?

Much too often in Christian circles, people are rebuked for analyzing the actions of others, under the pretense of “avoiding gossip.” In my experience, those who scolded the loudest have been those with the most to hide, and were striving only to keep their own faults away from public scrutiny. Gossip cannot wait to share the latest juicy detail; gossip must be the one to divulge a secret. Compassion withholds details and keeps secrets, but may, in a private, controlled environment, analyze what went wrong or what could have been done differently to affect a better outcome the next time.

After spending a few years in separate colleges, my daughter and a friend were enjoying a day of “catching up.” As they discussed old friends and where-are-they-now’s, my daughter remarked that certain ones would definitely not follow through on their chosen paths. A few months later, as predicted, the drastic changes occurred. When the two girls got together again, the friend was amazed at the accuracy of my daughter’s foresight — which was explained based on reviewing the friends’ histories. Patterns of poor decision-making had simply continued, true to form. The girl had never noticed the patterns in her friends, even though she had known some of them for many years. My daughter had recognized and analyzed previous poor choices by those specific friends, and it involved very little risk to predict their future behaviors.

If we were to point fingers with a haughty attitude and puff ourselves up for being superior to those around us who make mistakes, we would become the ultimate fools ourselves. If, however, we see lessons we can learn in every circumstance of life, we will grow wiser with each passing day.

Post Script…

It is clear that I put more emphasis on observing the poor decisions of others than I put toward studying their successes. To my analytical mind, it is much easier to pinpoint where a plan derailed than it is to notice all of the steps that went right in creating a success. It is impossible to know all of the planning and behind-the-scenes preparation another person goes through, often leaving me to wonder how they affected the desired outcome (what percentage was due to careful planning, networking, dumb luck, or God’s divine providence?). If I chose to follow the steps of a successful person, I would be more likely to imitate the details that I felt were critical, but in reality may have been insignificant, and miss the crucially important decisions that lie hidden.

Filed Under: Behavior, Encouraging Your Student, Family Unity

Current Events 101

January 3, 2005 by Leave a Comment

Tsunami disaster. Catastrophe. Utter devastation. I find these phrases to be sorely inadequate. I still have a home, clothing, food, drinkable water, and my family. I live in the most prosperous nation in the world. I have no true needs. I will give from this abundance.

School is not always history; sometimes the best learning starts from things happening in our own world at our own time. The current headlines can be used to give your students an awareness of world events outside their safe and cozy environment. On September 11, 2001, my son’s curriculum changed dramatically to include Current Events 101: using TV news reports, newspapers, and the internet as our resources, we developed our own course, day by day. While that event was much closer to the American heart, this most recent event has much more far-reaching effects.

This website has been visited by readers from India, Indonesia, Malaysia, Singapore, East Africa, and many of the European countries whose citizens were in the South Asian area at the time of the earthquake and resulting tsunami. My husband’s co-workers made trips recently to the same region. Another has financially adopted several children in Thailand and has traveled there several times to do what he can for them. My daughter has an online friend who returned from a visit to Thailand’s beaches only weeks before this tragedy hit. We have dear friends who have recently moved from Iowa to Hawaii, joking that the weather is much more favorable there — no tornadoes, only tsunamis to worry about. They are no longer in a joking mood. That former missionary had bouts of recurring malaria while staying at my home — but she also had the proper medication with her. Without anti-malarial medicine to kill the parasite, the patient will die. I can see both the current tragedies from the tsunami’s path and the future peril of disease that will inundate these regions.

Perhaps I am seeing this tragedy more clearly through newly-opened eyes, but I feel this should be shared with our children. In words appropriate to their ages, talk with your students about what has happened and what will happen. Discuss it with them in ways suited to their level of comprehension, being careful not to frighten the small ones. Children can understand more than we usually give them credit for, and they will inevitably see and hear things that relate to the tsunami tragedy. If you make the subject available for discussion, you can be sure your children will get the proper perspective and understanding of the situation. Death does not need to be the primary focus, especially for younger children, even though record numbers of innocent victims have lost their lives or their family members. Your older students can be allowed to delve more deeply into the news reports, but caution them to use discretion when discussing the subject around their younger siblings. As the teacher, you can center your study on weather phenomena, map-reading, cultural differences, animal instincts, even why electronic funds transfers are an efficient form of giving — whatever is age-appropriate for your children.

Some children may want to do some type of fund-raising for the international relief effort, and I would encourage that — as long as it is on a scale that fits in with your family’s needs and priorities. Giving should begin at home, and teaching our children to be generous is best done by example. Careful discussions can bring an awareness of others and their needs to our children, helping to eliminate the self-centered focus that often accompanies childhood. Do not be afraid to talk to your children about tragedies such as this, just approach it from a perspective that they will understand and limit your discussions to what their ages can handle.

Filed Under: Family Unity, Learning Outside the Books

Screening — Paying Attention to Red Flags

December 15, 2004 by Leave a Comment

Be aware of what is being taught in any outside groups in which your children participate. Just because your friends approve of a certain group, it does not mean that you also have to approve or will approve of the same group. This applies to church-sponsored youth groups, church-sponsored Bible classes or clubs, scout troops, homeschool co-op classes, library story hours, etc. If you have already chosen to homeschool your children, you are obviously rather particular about what things they learn and how they learn them. If your children are currently enrolled in a public or private school, you may be noticing attitude changes taking place that correspond to their participation in specific activities, clubs, groups, etc.

Any changes in your child’s typical behavior should call you to attention. The changes may be positive ones, in which case you want to take notice of what caused the change and see if you can use that tactic in other areas as well to produce additional positive results. If, however, the changes in your child’s behavior are towards more negative behavior, you will want to investigate what has prompted those changes in order to correct a small problem before it becomes a major disaster.

Does your child look forward to attending the group/activity, or does the child suddenly become unruly, stubborn, and disruptive as the appointed time draws near? Does your child tell you about the group in great detail, or is it nearly impossible to glean any details whatsoever (especially noteworthy in a usually talkative child)? Does the child exhibit markedly different behavior upon returning home from the group/activity — is his attitude towards parents or siblings undesirable: rude, selfish, or extraordinarily superior? These are red flags, telltale signs that your child may be receiving teaching/coaching/prompting that is contrary to your family’s values. It may be coming from the leader of the group/activity or from friends he encounters at the group. Whatever the source, you will want to look deeper into the situation before it becomes a bigger problem.

Offer to assist the teacher with “crowd control” as a subtle way to check out what values are being passed on to your students. Mild differences can be discussed with your students before or after the class while still gaining as much benefit as possible from the class/activity itself. Major differences of value systems may require that your family withdraw their participation from the group. If the group is worth being involved with, it is worth your time as well as your child’s. Volunteer in whatever capacity will obtain you the spot you need in order to see what is going on. Speaking as a former leader, I would never have refused an offer of help; extra hands were always appreciated, whether the group was large or small.

We have run up against other children whose families simply had different values from ours. A brief discussion of “family values” with our children helped to clarify things for them, so that they could evaluate others’ points of view and determine for themselves what was worthy of ignoring. At other times, we found ourselves head-to-head with an important difference of philosophy from the leadership of an entire group. In those situations, we had to spend a great deal of time in soul-searching, family discussions, and meeting with the group leadership in efforts to rectify differences. When the problem was simply a misunderstanding, getting everything out in the open would quickly clear up any problems. Other, larger confrontations stemmed from troubles deep within organizational structures. Investigative probing revealed difficulties so vast that we knew our family’s voice could not have any positive influence. In those situations, we saw that it was time to pull out. When we deemed it necessary, we left immediately; other times we felt it beneficial to stay until a desired activity was concluded, then slip quietly away.

We have encountered anti-family philosophies in a wide assortment of organizations, all claiming to be child-centered and family-oriented. As I have said before, the proof is in the pudding. I have learned not to be fooled by words; anyone can say anything they like. A very wise pastor once said that you can tell a wolf-in-sheep’s-clothing by what he eats: wolves eat sheep. A wolf may disguise himself for a while, but sooner or later he has to eat a sheep — it’s what he does; it’s what he is; he cannot change his nature.

I became justifiably suspicious when told by a leader that parents were not allowed to sit in with the group, even when it met in that parent’s home. One leader pulled my child aside and coached the child, “You don’t agree with your parents, do you!” I have confronted administrators, forcing them to admit that, although they did not approve of what their underlings were teaching to children and felt it was wrong to do so, they would not take any measures to correct the behavior. I have also met face-to-face with parents who were not aware of their own children’s poor conduct, who thanked me for bringing it to their attention, and who took steps on the spot to reinstate the damaged relationship between our families.

I may sound rather cynical, but it is only because I have become cynical through misplaced trust. I now know (after more than a decade of homeschooling) that my children’s parents are the best teachers for them, and my children realize this fact also. We have all been taught through the school of experience that no one’s best intentions can replace the care and concern of family. If something about a group bothers you, consider that to be a red flag, and start looking around. As you screen things through your own “values filter,” you may find it to have a simple solution. You may occasionally find a much larger can of worms, but you will be grateful in the end that you took the effort to look. Your child is at stake. The risk is too great to ignore.

Filed Under: Behavior, Encouragement for Parents, Family Unity, Homeschooling as a Lifestyle, Parenting

If You Have Children, You DO Homeschool

December 3, 2004 by Leave a Comment

During my daughter’s last year in public school (4th grade), we were already homeschooling, but we just did not realize it at the time. Recognizing how much I was already teaching her at home made our decision to homeschool much easier.

She had difficulty keeping her mind on the subject at hand and often daydreamed in class when she should have been working on assignments, so I worked with her at home after school to improve her focus. Many concepts that the public school teacher tried to teach were just not grasped by my daughter, so I explained them in as many different ways as I could think of until she understood. It felt really good to be able to impart confidence to my daughter for the things I was teaching her. She did not get personal feedback in the classroom, and that was something she truly needed to keep her going.

It finally became clear to me that I was becoming the primary teacher in my daughter’s education. The teacher at school handed out the assignments, but her attempts at instruction simply were not successful with my child. More and more often, my daughter came home seeking my confirmation of a lesson from school, and many times the lessons were very confusing. The school did not allow students to take textbooks home; for some subjects they did not even have textbooks. Once in a while the concept learned at school was just plain wrong. (There is no polite way to phrase it: wrong is wrong.) The frustration level soared dramatically as I attempted to teach my daughter at home in late afternoons and evenings (when she was tired and I was busy preparing a meal) without benefit of curriculum. Many parents go through this scenario to a greater or lesser degree — Junior needs help, parent tries to help, success is debatable.

Parents, I would like you to reflect for a moment on all the things that you do successfully teach your children. You have probably already read my soapbox speech on how you taught your children to walk, to talk, to dress themselves, to feed themselves, and how to do a myriad of other tasks before they were considered old enough for “formal education.” You imparted all of that knowledge without the aid of printed textbooks, charts, diagrams, or other visual aids. Now I want to look deeper into the realm of what you teach at home without even trying hard. Your children learn their greatest lessons in life just from observing the everyday routines of their parents and other family members.

Language (including choice of slang words), fashion consciousness, manners, the value of money, person-to-person relationships, the importance of extended family members, community involvement, religion, politics, prejudices — these are only the tip of the proverbial iceberg of lessons learned at home. Have your children learned to do their own laundry, have they learned to think of others by sharing in the family laundry task, or have they learned to expect someone else to provide them with clean clothing? Apply the same line of questioning to mealtime — is Mom expected to perform all facets of food preparation and clean-up, do family members help Mom, or is it “every man for himself”? Look around your house right now: are there articles of clothing scattered about, draped over every chair; newspapers lying on the floor next to an endless array of toys, game pieces, and miniature cars; or is every room absolutely spotless, not a speck of dust, and no single article out of place? Remember, this is not a spot inspection of your housekeeping ability — this is your personal, private, in-depth analysis of what and how you teach your children.

I am the only member of my extended family who has chosen to homeschool, but I am not the only one who teaches her children. Some children learn that a parent’s career is much more important than the children’s needs. Some children learn that volunteering in the church/community has a much higher priority than spending time with family. Some children are taught to expect the television to be their constant companion and the basis of all their values. Some children are never taught how to entertain themselves without the use of electronic media. These may not be the lessons that parents desire their children to learn, but it may be what they are teaching.

If you are spending every evening with your child, helping him with his school assignments, you might want to consider the benefits of homeschooling. You could continue to do the same amount of teaching, but you could choose when to do the lessons — ideally, choosing times when you are both fresh and not at the end of very frustrating days. You and your child could also decide together what other subject areas would be interesting to explore and how you would like to investigate them. If you have children, you are already homeschooling. You may not be the one teaching long division, world history, or grammatical sentence structure, but you are teaching.

Filed Under: Deciding to Homeschool, Encouragement for Parents, Family Unity, Leaving Public School

People LIVE in this House

November 19, 2004 by 2 Comments

I went to a party once in a furniture store. Actually, it was held in the brand-new home of a young couple who had just recently married. I was visiting a friend of theirs and attended as her guest, so I do not know much about the hosts themselves, except that they were obviously not hurting financially. The one thing I do remember clearly from this evening was the extremely sterile feeling of the house. I would call it a “home,” but that implies an entirely different feeling from calling it a “house,” which is what it was. It was a house where this couple lived, but it did not feel like a home. It looked as though someone had walked into a very large furniture store and said, “I’ll take one of each, all in the same style, please.”

The living room furniture matched the dining room furniture, which matched the family room furniture, which matched the kitchen furniture. You can use your imagination to figure out what the rest of the place looked like. Every piece in every room was an exact complement to every other piece in every other room. Although it looked nice, it did not have a feeling of “family.” There were no hand-me-downs, no family treasures, no heritage. No doilies crocheted by Great Aunt What’s-her-name, no sepia-tinted photos of ancient, unnamed ancestors, no chipped fruit bowl.

At first glance, I was envious, dreaming what it must be like to have everything new, not handed down family cast-offs. However, the longer I remained in the house, the closer I was able to see everything. There were no scratches, no water-rings, no dents or marks on anything. It began to feel alien. The realization of “family” came over me as I thought about my own home with Grandma’s rocking chair, Grandpa’s nightstand, and the mirror Mom was tricked into buying at a farm auction. I have hand-me-downs galore. I have family. Grandpa helped my son build the birdhouse in the backyard. Grandma gave us the dishes in the cupboard; the cupboard was given to us by my brother-in-law. Almost everything in my house bears a scratch, a dent, or some other mark giving a hint to its life story.

The furniture in my house is not always easy to see. It is often at least partially hidden under books, papers, an occasional article of clothing, or a bowl holding a half-dozen popcorn kernels. The dog feels much more secure knowing that a chew toy is within easy reach at any point in his realm, so my efforts to corral them into a basket behind the end table are usually thwarted by his scampering/scattering ritual. In other words, people live in this house.

We do not go out the door promptly at 7:30am each day, abandoning our home to remain lonely, but in perfect order, for the greater part of the day. A family lives here. A homeschooling family lives here — a family that reads books and occasionally eats in front of the television set in the living room. We often leave video tapes piled near the TV — with their cases strewn about elsewhere. At the moment, a throw pillow has been thrown onto the floor and remains there. The dining room table is barely recognizable under a recent art project, a three-ring binder, assorted papers, index cards, and pizza coupons. The dog is lying serenely beside me with his squeaky bunny and teddy bear close enough for a quick game of shake and growl. A family lives here.

It is not at all unusual to find dishes in my sink — dirty ones. The dish drainer is frequently found sitting full of clean, but unshelved, dishes. Laundry can sit undone, bathrooms can remain uncleaned, and the whole place is often cluttered. Do not mistake my meaning: I do not think of myself as a poor housekeeper, but people live in this house. I could (try to) keep my house as clean and uncluttered as a magazine layout, but no one would enjoy spending time here. I could grab the dishes out from under you as soon as a meal was finished and whisk them back into the cupboards in sparkling condition, but it would remove a great deal of the peace from dinnertime. Speaking of magazine layouts, have you ever looked closely at some of those photo-spreads? No world exists outside their windows — most likely because the fake window is set up as part of a fake room inside a photo studio full of other fake things (fake plants, fake food, fake world).

I accept the fact that people live here. I do not chase them around with the vacuum cleaner, and I do not make them wait to use the bathroom until I have re-cleaned it following its use by a guest. (Someone actually did that to me once — I was pregnant at the time, and I nearly caused there to be more to clean than just the stool and sink.) My home is clean, though often cluttered. My home is clean, but never sterile. People live in this house, and I want them to know that they are infinitely more important to me than my house is.

POST SCRIPT
Consider the wisdom in Proverbs 14:4, shown here in several translations for clarity.
“Where no oxen are, the manger is clean, but much increase comes by the strength of the ox.” (New American Standard Bible)
“Where there are no oxen, the manger is empty, but from the strength of an ox comes an abundant harvest.” (New International Version)
“An empty stable stays clean, but no income comes from an empty stable.” (New Living Translation)
A house without a family may stay cleaner than a home full of children, family, and friends, but where is the fun in that? — Guilt-Free Homeschooling paraphrase of Proverbs 14:4

Filed Under: Encouragement for Parents, Family Unity, Home Chores, Homeschooling as a Lifestyle

Discouraging Families

November 16, 2004 by Leave a Comment
Oh, give me a home where the school is my own,
Where the students are my own children,
Where seldom is heard a discouraging word
From my relatives, neighbors, and friends.
Is it really possible to have family members who fully support your desire to homeschool? I do not know. Maybe it is possible — if they already homeschool, too.

Most of the people reading this article are searching for some hope, some light at the end of the tunnel. You are feeling outcast, weighed down under the persecution of loved ones who just do not understand your desire to educate your children in the way you see as best. My words of encouragement may seem insufficient at this point, but I strongly urge you to “Hang in there!” It is rare for relatives to remain devoutly anti-homeschooling for a long time. Usually, family members who see you and your children with any frequency will soon begin to notice positive differences between your children and the average government-schooled children and will begin to alter their attitudes accordingly. However, there may be cases where you will need to limit your time with certain friends or relatives, steering the topics of conversation to less flammable areas, such as politics, money, or religion.

When we decided to homeschool, we only told our parents. We let them tell our siblings. Yes, it was the coward’s way out, but you probably did something just as spineless. My sister told Mom that my children would turn out “weird.” Using my nieces and nephews for the “normal” standard, my children are very weird. Using my standard for “normal,” my nieces and nephews are the weird ones. It did take a few years for everyone to “come around,” but now they all accept our homeschooling efforts — a few relatives even applaud us.

From my own experience, I can say that my children were the best “salesmen” for convincing our reluctant relatives. When we made our appearance at the family holiday dinners, even the most adamant aunts and uncles had to admit that my children did not have antennae sprouting from their heads. My offspring were able to converse intelligently with the adults, relating fantastic details of our latest field trip or interesting experiment, while their non-homeschooled cousins hid in the far reaches of the house, silently transfixed by video games and only grunting monosyllabic responses to any attempts at conversation.

When we were questioned about the schoolwork we were doing, I let my children answer as often as possible. They were perfectly capable of speech; why not let them gain a little experience at being interviewed? My husband and I were always close by to supplement the answer, if needed, but usually our children were able to give competent, first-hand testimony of exactly what they were learning. My son’s favorite question was always, “What grade are you in now?” to which he would smugly respond, “In which subject?” followed by a rapid-fire dissertation of each subject and his corresponding grade level, emphasizing the subjects in which he was ahead of his peers.

When confronted by a nosy, know-it-all friend/neighbor/relative, I was ready with knowledge of the legal requirements for homeschooling in our state and an account of how we were meeting those requirements. (Find the legal specifics for your state at http://www.hslda.org/.) I have yet to meet a parent utilizing the public school system who knew anything about the state’s laws pertaining to education. They usually changed the subject on me once they realized that I probably knew more about their children’s education than they did.

I explained what we were doing for our children’s education. I answered all the (reasonable/legitimate) questions that were fired at us. I knew legal requirements and facts, and I could throw in a few well-placed statistics for good measure. I tried to avoid arguing (not always easy for me), focusing my responses around, “This is what we are doing; you may do what you want to do.” I defended our position, but I learned not to try to recruit. When someone had specific questions about getting into homeschooling (which always seemed to be “for a friend”), they would seek us out, often in a secluded corner and speaking in hushed tones for fear of discovery. (To date, none of our extended family has tried homeschooling.)

A fellow homeschooling mom once told me about her experience at Grandma’s house for Thanksgiving dinner. When the meal was over, her children cleared their own dishes from the table and began filling the sink for the clean-up process. Her non-homeschooling siblings accused her of bribing the children ahead of time to do this chore “just to make the rest of us look bad!” Despite insistence that this was the children’s customary routine at home, the offended relatives would not be persuaded.

If you are facing non-supportive family members at this time, the most encouragement I can offer you is my own affirmation that “time will tell.” Find out for yourself exactly what the legalities of home education are in your state, comply with them, and then stand your ground, knowing that you are doing your best to educate your children and that homeschooling will prove itself. Walk away from arguments when necessary, and walk away from potential guilt feelings at the same time. Remember the old folk adage, “the proof is in the pudding” — each individual ingredient may not be tasty by itself, but when combined in proper proportions, the result is delicious. Application to homeschooling: any one lesson or subject may not make a great difference by itself, but over time, your homeschool lessons will combine to make your students into wonderful people. You still may hear occasional grumblings from outsiders, but be assured that those are probably based in jealousy.

Filed Under: Deciding to Homeschool, Family Unity

Any Dead Fish Can Float Downstream

November 3, 2004 by Leave a Comment

I love the T-shirt that says, “Any dead fish can float downstream — Go against the flow!” It shows a simple, little Christian fish-symbol pointing in the opposite direction from a slew of ugly, decaying fish and fish skeletons that are being swept along in a stream of muck-water. That pretty much sums up my faith: I am willing to swim upstream against the strong tide of contemporary thought, because it means life to me instead of death. It is usually much easier to go along with the crowd mentality, but doing so contradicts everything that I stand for and believe in.

Homeschooling can be seen as a similar undertaking: homeschoolers often feel they are swimming upstream against all the counsel of their peers. Deciding to educate your children at home may not be an easy choice for you to make. It may prompt a very dramatic change to your family’s lifestyle. You may find yourselves surrounded by friends and relatives who think you have suddenly gone insane and feel it is their duty to remind you of that fact on a regular basis. You may choose to give up certain worldly luxuries in order to reprioritize your lives, focusing your efforts on giving your children what you believe to be the best educational option available.

If you find yourselves in such a situation of “going against the flow,” take courage. Reflect on your reasons for choosing to educate your children yourselves. Then close your ears to the negative propaganda bombarding your family, and stand firm. Know that even if you feel you are not swimming upstream, you can at least hold your ground and not be swept downstream. Staying in one place for a time assures that you are not losing ground, and enables you to build up the strength and courage to move forward eventually.

Deciding to homeschool often means deciding to do what you can to change your corner of the world. It takes a courageous person, someone with the strength to stand up for their convictions, someone unwilling to follow the rest of the lemmings, someone daring enough and bold enough to say, “I’ve had enough. Let me do it my way now.” You may encounter much resistance, many dead fish floating downstream, obstructing your way and hindering your progress. Be patient, be brave, be encouraged — you are beginning the adventure of a lifetime, one that your children’s destiny depends upon. Go against the flow — you will not regret it.

Filed Under: Deciding to Homeschool, Encouragement for Parents, Family Unity
« Previous Page
Next Page »
Verified by MonsterInsights