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Your Children Will Not Always Be Like This

September 3, 2004 by 6 Comments

Attention — all parents of multiple children, especially those with babies and/or toddlers, and definitely all new homeschooling families — raise your right hand and repeat after me: “My children will not always be this age.” Repeat this exercise as often as needed to maintain your sanity. It can help to realize that today’s problems will not be tomorrow’s problems. (Do not even think about what problems might happen tomorrow — especially if today has been particularly problem-laden. You just do not need to go there right now.) Concentrate on the good things that your children do, focus on what they have accomplished, and hold tight to those thoughts. It may be the only thing that gets you through to the next fill-in-the-time-period-of-your-choice.

You are hip-deep in diapers and baby food jars, your house looks like a Fisher-Price obstacle course, and you can not step anywhere without crunching some formerly edible substance underfoot. You may also be pregnant. Or trying to become pregnant. (The wisdom of which you may currently be calling into question.) And just when are you supposed to find the time, patience, and gentle spirit to lovingly instruct your older children? Not in this lifetime, you scoff?

Again, raise your right hand and repeat the pre-stated oath. Babies will eventually detach themselves from Mom’s chest, toddlers will eventually learn to obey the Voice of Authority, and the preschoolers will eventually get the cereal poured into the bowl instead of directly onto the floor. Your job right now, Mom, is just to survive today with a little dignity intact. You might even get a lesson explained. Ok, half a lesson. But you have just started, and by next week things will go a little smoother. I promise. (But notice I did not quantify “a little.”) Remind yourself as often as needed that your children are growing up, they are maturing, they are learning. (Also remind yourself that anyone daring to criticize your homeschooling and/or housekeeping skills probably does not have the same number of children underfoot that you have, or they would know enough to keep quiet.)

Reminding your children of their accomplishments can help them to recognize their own growth and maturation process. They may see themselves as being unchanging centers of the universe with all others present only to dote on them. It can do wonders for children to learn to see the world through others’ eyes. Try using their outgrown clothing as a tool to show them how they have grown physically, and then ask them to “think backwards in their minds” to how they acted when those clothes were new and fit better. Do the same thing with older examples of their schoolwork and artwork to see how handwriting, spelling, grammar, or drawing may have improved. Point out how they have matured in their thinking, in their behavior, and in their learning. Praise them for the great progress they have made and help them to imagine what changes may come next. Help your children to set a realistic (start small) goal or two for themselves, whether personally or in their schoolwork. Rejoice together over their little accomplishments and celebrate big-time when major milestones have been conquered.

Your children will not always be this age. Yes, the problems will change as the children change, but you do not have to worry about tomorrow’s problems just yet. You can better deal with today’s difficulties by realizing that they will not continue forever. And you can put your hand down now.

Filed Under: Encouragement for Parents, Encouraging Your Student, Family Unity, Homeschool How-To's, Parenting, Preschoolers

Using Your Household Staff

August 25, 2004 by Leave a Comment

“She gets up before dawn to prepare breakfast for her household and plan the day’s work for her servant girls.” (Proverbs 31:15) I do not have a staff of servant girls (and I am rarely up before dawn!), but I do have household servants. So do you, although yours may differ slightly from mine. I have a crock-pot, a bread machine, a clothes washer and dryer, a dishwasher, etc. These make up my household staff. If I have a load of laundry in the washing machine, another load in the dryer (or on the clothesline), the dishwasher is running, and the crock-pot is crocking away, I know I can sit down for a few minutes Guilt-Free, because tasks are being taken care of for me! Clothing and dishes are being cleaned and food is being cooked, enabling “me” to be in several places at once.

I try to get “my staff” working as soon as possible each day, because then I can feel quite productive — even if I am having a rather “slow” day personally. I can sit down with my students to practice their reading or play a game, knowing that chores are getting done.

Back when my children were small, I used a cassette tape recorder to capture my voice as I read favorite storybooks to my toddler. Later, when Mommy just could not be there, that tape could be replayed — allowing Little One to spend time with Mommy, hearing those favorites over and over again, making the tape player another valued member of my helpful staff. Incidentally, my daughter got as much enjoyment from hearing her own reactions on the tape as from hearing me. I had also tried just reading stories into the tape recorder — without the child on my lap — but the result was undesirably flat and just no fun to listen to.

My children are also valuable members of my staff — Mom should never be working alone when all others are recreating! I enjoy free time as much as the next person does; I just seem to get less of it. Kids can fold towels, sort underwear, scrub potatoes, and do plenty of other simple jobs so that Mom can be freed up for higher-skill jobs. Many times I have agreed to make a costume or other special request for one of my children only after they agreed to take over specific Mommy-tasks in order to give me the time required. Barter is a great tool — use it to your advantage!

Many years have passed, but I still remember the shock on my friend’s face when her daughter wrote a paper for school about the hobbies her family members pursued. The daughter had listed Mom’s hobbies as cooking and cleaning. I knew that woman as being a very artsy person who loved craft projects, decorating, sewing, and scrounging through garage sales. We had great fun together going to those garage sales and parks with our children or at couples’ parties with our spouses. I knew she had many interests — why did her own daughter only see the cooking-and-cleaning side? Perhaps it was because Mom had never pointed out what leisure time activities she did enjoy. Perhaps a little job-trading activity would have helped to clarify the fact that some chores benefit the entire family and can therefore be accomplished by anyone in the family with the required skill. More than once I have accepted the offer of kid-prepared scrambled eggs for supper in return for mending something that child wanted to wear the next day.

We all need to re-examine how and why we do the things we do. Are perfectly folded towels really all that important once we close the linen closet door? Will my family notice (or even care) if the cake they eat after supper has been imperfectly frosted by the Junior Chef or will they just be grateful for the rare treat of dessert? How much better will I feel at the end of the day knowing we have clean underwear for tomorrow AND Little One got to snuggle on my lap through several storybooks? Making use of timesaving appliances and a little work-together time can also save me some sanity and let me get on to enjoying some Guilt-Free activities that I have previously only dreamed about.

Filed Under: Family Unity, Home Chores, Homeschool How-To's, Preschoolers

Homeschool Beginnings — A Child’s Point of View

July 12, 2004 by 1 Comment

(This article was written by Jenny: homeschool graduate, Guilt-Free intern, and computer whiz.)

To homeschool or not to homeschool — parents often have a hard time making this decision. I want to provide you with the view of a homeschool graduate, giving you an idea of how a child might react to the proposal to homeschool.

I have now graduated from college with a bachelor’s degree in business administration, but how I was able to make it to this point is the real story. I started out in public school, where I was educated until the summer before fifth grade when my parents made the decision to educate me at home. The deciding factors in the situation were all issues that I agreed with them on completely, but it was the idea of homeschooling that I was not as in agreement with. In fact, I was against being homeschooled from the beginning.

My objections were numerous, I had no idea how my parents thought they were going to teach me — after all, what could they possibly know? Secondly, I was objecting to the loss of all my friends from school. Another qualm that I had was merely a fear of the unknown, I had friends who were being homeschooled, and although they seemed normal and happy enough, I knew very little about homeschooling. Overall, I really did not think homeschooling was the education for me, though I knew how much I hated the public school system.

In the summer before we started homeschooling, I was upset and scared. I had an attitude typical of children in public school — I thought my parents were not smart, and I did not have confidence in them to trust them with my social life or education because I did not think they really understood me — or could ever understand me. This common misconception was dispelled soon enough, but it did take some time.

The fear I had decreased after I talked to a good friend who had been homeschooled for his entire education. He encouraged me to try homeschooling, and explained to me a little bit about how homeschooling would work, and the many benefits I would have because of homeschooling. After this conversation, I was more willing to be homeschooled, but I still doubted that my parents were capable of such a task.

The first few weeks of schooling were certainly a testing period. Mom was unsure of her capability as a teacher, and I was just as unsure. At first it was like play, we did workbooks and educational exercises, and it was like pretend school — it was kind of fun. The reality set in later that this was school, and as that reality dawned, so did the reality that homeschooling was actually school, and it was a great alternative to the public school system I had been in.

I was also enjoying the benefits of homeschooling. I liked being able to take a break for a snack or bathroom break anytime. I did not have to watch the clock pass time away as I sat and did nothing because I was ahead of the other students. I also did not have to work hard later in the evening to catch up on the homework that I was slower on than the other students. Strangely enough, mom could also teach math so much better than the teachers that I had in public school. We also were able to watch the Andy Griffith show during lunch, providing a pleasant break and laugh as well as some family time between subjects. My favorite aspect of homeschooling throughout the experience was that homeschooling took so much less time than the 7 or so hours that we had been held captive at public school.

By Christmas of the first year, I was thoroughly enjoying my homeschooling experience. I realized that mom was a LOT smarter than my friends had convinced me that parents were. I also liked being able to hold it over my friends that homeschooling took little time, and that I actually was enjoying the assignments that I had. I could listen to whatever music that I wanted to, in my own room, and start school at any time. For a while, I got up at 6am and did my work before anyone else was up, so I could play by 10am. At other times, I would sleep in and start my work later in the day. My puppy could sit by me while I worked or in my lap if I could manage it.

Socialization was not a problem either. I soon realized that the children I had considered friends at public school were hardly people that I wanted to spend time with, and the few that I did like to be around I remained friends with through outside activities. I still had all my friends from church and clubs, and I was able to do many “social” activities with mom, like going to the store during the day. Our family also joined a couple of homeschool groups, with which we could do group activities like field trips and coop classes.

By high school, the benefits were great: I could do my work at my own discretion and was able to get ahead by an entire year. I took college classes during my senior year, and was able to be acclimated to that culture in advance (another good “socialization” opportunity that I had because I was homeschooled). I got along well with the teachers, and even was commended by them several times for the wonderful education I entered college with. Many of my teachers were amazed at how well I could grasp the topics they were teaching, or even that I could write full sentences with some semblance of grammar.

Today I am fully convinced that I got the best education at home. Beyond that, I was able to avoid many of the downfalls of the public school system and benefited from advantages of school at home. Our family has become quite close through homeschooling, a result that I doubt we would have gotten if my brother and I had gone through the public school system where peer pressure encourages children to disregard their siblings and parents as stupid and useless appendages. I intend to homeschool my children as well when I have a family, and I trust they will have as successful of an experience as I have had.

I encourage everyone to try homeschooling. I believe that once you give it a chance the benefits will outweigh and overrule your doubts.

Filed Under: Deciding to Homeschool, Family Unity, Homeschool v. Public School, Sibling Relationships, Socialization

Siblings as Best Friends

June 22, 2004 by Leave a Comment

Siblings as Best Friends follows right on the heels of The Family as a Team. Let me first explain my viewpoint on this topic. I grew up as the last of four children, five years younger than my nearest sibling. We were all spaced out over twelve years, a little more room between children each time, leaving me with little in common with my brother and sisters other than parents. Sibling rivalry was rampant, picking-on-the-little-kid was tolerated, and I was miserable. Fast-forward to the point in time when all of us became married adults. My nearest sibling and I became friends for the first time — twenty years behind schedule. When I recognized this wasted relationship and realized that we could have been friends much sooner, I determined not to let my own children waste that time in their own lives.

In teaching my children the lessons of taking turns in game-playing and how playing by the rules is fair to all players, I also tried to teach them that playing the game is fun for the whole time, while winning or losing the game only lasts for a moment. I explained over and over to them how my sister and I never enjoyed playing together as children because we were so hung up on things that did not really matter. We could not see through children’s eyes that friends will come and go, but siblings are forever. My children are not perfect examples, but they do get along most of the time. They have seen friends move away, they have matured at different rates from their friends, they have developed different interests from their friends, and through it all they have recognized that a sibling is always there. Siblings will be there to play with or talk with when no one else is around. If your children can develop solid friendships with their siblings, they will be giving themselves the gift of friends for life.

Sibling rivalry is reportedly at its peak between the ages of 4 and 8. Bear that in mind as you encourage your children to grow and mature and learn to understand their younger siblings’ maturity levels. We parents, myself included, often fall into the trap of expecting the oldest child to be more responsible than his age allows, but we also tend to neglect teaching responsibility to our younger children, allowing them to slide along as Oldest Child assumes the burden of leadership. I am a firm believer that explanations to children, giving reasons why behavior is acceptable or unacceptable, go much farther towards improving the behavior than just a simple “thanks” or “stop that.”

A very vital part of developing sibling friendships is not tolerating torture. If those little people are to become friends and remain friends, they cannot be allowed to pick on each other. Ridicule is out. Incessant tickling is out as well — as a former target of tickling myself, I consider it to be a form of child abuse. Parents, take a good look at the behavior between siblings (or between parents/adults and children as well) and analyze the motivation behind that behavior. Is it encouraging and strengthening to their relationship? Or does it stem from jealousy? A wonderful by-product of sibling friendships is seen when one stands up for another to a third-party antagonizer. If you do not defend your sibling, who will? And if they do not stand up for you, who will?

What better way to demonstrate Biblical principles and God’s agape love than to point out selfish, unacceptable behavior for the sin that it is and then replace it with true Love. “Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends.” (John 15:13 NASB) Use the opportunity to show your children the scriptures and remind them of how Jesus put His own needs and desires after those of others. Jesus did not demand His own way: He served.

Now a quick word about “extended” families: We have discovered recently that college roommates can become new siblings. When children have mastered sibling relationships, they are able to go off to college and successfully reside in a small dormitory room with total strangers. They simply treat the strangers as “new siblings I haven’t met before.” The college roommates do not always come with the siblings-as-friends philosophy as standard equipment, but they can catch on quickly! My daughter’s college friends (male or female) and roommates responded very well to being included as new members of our family. Sadly, many had never been treated with respect before in a family situation and loved the idea of not being ridiculed or picked on.

Filed Under: Encouraging Your Student, Family Unity, Homeschooling as a Lifestyle, Parenting, Sibling Relationships

Family Is Spelled T-E-A-M

June 18, 2004 by Leave a Comment

Alexandre Dumas said it best in The Three Musketeers: “All for one, and one for all.” My family is a singular unit, even though it appears to be made up of individuals. We work together to accomplish our common goals, with unity of purpose as a wonderful side benefit.

For example, each one of us has learned how to operate the washer and dryer for doing laundry, a common practice in many families. However, in this family, if one individual needs a specific load of laundry done, he/she does not simply do his/her own laundry. Instead all family members are questioned to find out if anyone else also has items to be added to that load — a practice that promotes teamwork and unity, rather than selfishness and isolation.

Other household chores are also done with a teamwork principle, rather than being assigned in turns. Each chore is usually done by only one person at a time (or with Mom’s discipleship), but we do not always schedule who is going to do it next. Our goal is “getting the job done for the good of the family.” “Taking turns” is a valuable skill, most often used in playing games and other recreational pursuits. Taking turns does teach patience and sharing. However, in a home environment where all members benefit from the performance of a specific duty, all members should be ready and willing to perform that duty whenever it needs doing. Emptying or loading the dishwasher; taking out the trash; washing, drying, and folding laundry; sweeping, vacuuming, and dusting; lawn-mowing, leaf-raking, and snow-shoveling — these are regular household chores that benefit all members of the family and therefore get done by all members of the family. Ever-present Mom usually acts as superintendent, assigning chores as needed to whomever is available, but we all understand that if one person is not available to do it this time, chances are good that he will be expected to do it another time when he is available. Substituting for each other ensures that each person knows how to do each job and also builds the family-as-team concept.

A sidebar issue to “This Family Is a Team” is “Siblings as Best Friends.” You may be in disbelief at this concept depending on the ages of your children, but give me a chance and I will explain.

Filed Under: Family Unity, Home Chores, Homeschooling as a Lifestyle

Living Your Life with No Regrets

June 5, 2004 by Leave a Comment

I do not mean to imply that we should do whatever we feel like and just not care about the outcome. On the contrary, I do mean that we should live in such a way that whatever happens, we can live with the consequences. I attempt to live my life in as Christ-like a manner as possible, so that if I do not get a chance to “do-over” an action or a conversation, I am able to be content with it. Easy? Not a chance. Easier with practice? Definitely!

A large part of that process involves doing things right the first time. Doing things right the first time means I have to be thinking and planning ahead so as not to leave undone something I should do. I must say the correct thing at the right moment. I must exercise my faith in God’s leading to know I am doing the proper thing at the proper moment. At times, it will mean restraining my mouth from a tempting word or holding back a hurtful action, but the outcome will leave me at peace, having no regrets, Guilt-Free. It means living my life in the Spirit of God’s agape love and putting selfishness aside for the sake of others.

Sometimes those “others” will be my own family, who must come before anyone else. I should not do for outsiders what I have not first done for my own husband and children, lest they feel neglected and allow jealousy to creep in. Sometimes my children will share with me in giving, learning first-hand about having a servant’s heart as we work together to serve others.

Occasionally, we all have days that do not measure up to our own expectations. When that happens, stop and count the little accomplishments of that day (in schoolwork and/or housework) to gauge success. (“At least we will all have clean underwear for tomorrow.”) Some days, “attaining vertical posture” must be seriously counted as a goal! Living my life with no regrets means I will not set my own standards too high, I will accept what I did today, and I will try to do better tomorrow.

Filed Under: Doing Your "Best", Encouragement for Parents, Family Unity, Homeschooling as a Lifestyle
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