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Standing Up Against “The Lie”

September 13, 2004 by 1 Comment

Ever get to the point where you are ready to scream at the world? The Numb Skulls of the World have finally driven you to your limit, and you need to set them straight? I am there. Join me in a venting session.

Citizens of the modern world have been deceived into believing that a woman’s place is nowhere near the home. I have been told The Great Lie (outright and by implication) by friends, family, and society at large (male and female alike): that I have no value to society unless I am employed, for monetary reimbursement, away from my home. My children will suffer greatly (according to this Lie) if I do not leave my domestic domain at regular intervals and contribute to The Greater Good. Horsefeathers. Bunk. And utter nonsense!!!

This Lie has gone so far as to inflict serious, sometimes nearly irreparable guilt on Christian women who seek to follow God’s guidelines in His Word, the Holy Bible. These accusations are most commonly hurled by those already buying into The Lie by allowing, pressuring, and otherwise forcing the women in their families to seek outside employment. If they can convince all others that women must be “gainfully employed,” it relieves them of guilt, thereby transferring the guilt to those families whose female members are content to be “keepers at home” as Paul instructed in Titus 2.

The vast scope of this dangerous Lie was revealed to me recently: a good friend of mine has grown from little boy to young man believing that it is not a woman’s role to provide food for her family. I was speechless. Thinking back, I can now understand why he had always seemed a little uncomfortable eating the meals I prepared whenever he visited in my home. He did grow up in another culture, where locals were employed to assist the family with the household chores of cooking and cleaning, but I can see that The Lie has permeated his worldview to a much more devastating degree. He has not picked out The Truth (woman as doting wife, mother, and caregiver) from movies, television, or books, nor has he seen it walked out before him in his own family or in the lives of friends, relatives, neighbors, or even total strangers, regardless of culture or geographic locale. (He is slowly overcoming this hurdle and learning to take pleasure in being “waited on” [read: fed], but The Lie still prevails.)

The time has come to stand up for Guilt-Free Mothering, Guilt-Free Homemaking, and Guilt-Free Obedience to God’s Word. If you are a stay-at-home mom, stand a little taller, lift your chin a little higher, and breathe a little more deeply, filling your chest with the pure air of knowing you are in alignment with God’s best for you and your family. God created Woman to be a helper to Man, not to be a competitor for him, or worse, a replacement for him. As a supporting wife, a diligent mother, and a conscientious home-keeper you are fulfilling God’s plan as set forth at creation.

Do not believe The Lie — that your only sense of value can come from outside your home and family. Do not be coerced by the advertising industry into living beyond your means, requiring you, Mom, to abandon your family for The Workplace. Your children are much too precious to relegate them to the “care” of anyone else. Your husband needs the security of knowing his wife awaits him at his home, ready to soothe away the stresses inflicted in his daily battle to provide for his family. Your home needs to be a safe refuge from the outside world, where all who enter may be restored and strengthened in a delightful environment of rejuvenating love. You, stay-at-home Mom, are doing exactly what God created you to do. When anyone tries to tell you differently, stick your fingers in your ears and sing loudly: La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.

If you enjoyed this article, you may also enjoy Are You an “Over-Protective” Mom?

Filed Under: Encouragement for Parents, Family Unity, Homeschooling as a Lifestyle

What Didn’t Work for Today Can Be Changed for Tomorrow

August 13, 2004 by 2 Comments

Some of you are beginning your first attempts at homeschooling right now. My first word of advice is: breathe. Homeschooling actually gets easier with each passing year. (Those of you who are approaching your second September of homeschooling are beginning to realize that you have done this before, and suddenly it does not seem quite so awkward; you’re a veteran now who has a better idea of what to do.) Remind yourself that even though you have never homeschooled your children before, your children have never been homeschooled before either — and you can learn this new thing together. Look upon homeschooling as an adventure that all members of your family undertake as a team. All members have something to contribute, large or small, and it would not be the same without the participation of all.

The primary blessing of homeschooling is being able to adapt all your plans to your family’s needs. If today’s lessons just did not get through to your students, you are free to change your lessons in an attempt to find what will penetrate. Government schools either do not have that freedom or cannot afford the time to exercise the freedom to explore lessons in multiple ways.

We had days when Grandpa needed the assistance (or maybe just wanted the company) of a small boy on a carpentry project. Grandpa became a valuable member of our teaching team on those days. One time he took my son along on a trip to another city to pick up supplies, and they stopped at a large hydroelectric dam on the way home just to enjoy the view. As they arrived, a large group was beginning an organized tour of the inner workings of the dam, and the tour guide offered to include Grandpa and my son on the tour. Grandpa was just as thrilled as my son was at the opportunity of a spontaneous bonus on their field trip! Those are the “adaptable moments” of homeschooling that are just not available in other situations.

“What didn’t work for today can be changed for tomorrow” became our motto for our first year of homeschooling. “Adapt daily” was the battle cry of encouragement I repeated over and over to myself as I struggled to find my way through the curriculum maze. I gradually realized that the “right way” to homeschool would be the way that was comfortable and relaxed and best fit my family’s lifestyle. I could not take this business too seriously; it had to be enjoyable, or we would never survive. I was sure that even my feeble homeschooling attempts would far exceed the twaddle offered by government schools, so I was encouraged that at least I could do no worse.

I had my share of moments (days/weeks?) when I really questioned my ability to educate my children sufficiently. Were we truly doing the right thing? When I would stop listening to the pity party going on in my head and listen instead to the voice of God encouraging my heart, I would hear His gentle reminders of how He had answered our prayers for “the right teacher” for that year of school. He had led us into homeschooling, away from the government institution’s one-size-fits-all approach. Those moments of reflection would give me the confidence to try again, one more time, with yet another method, until finally the lessons would “click.”

Do not be discouraged if today’s lessons did not seem to accomplish anything. You may feel that you spent the entire day talking to the walls, because your students just did not seem to understand any of it. However, you now know what does not work! Remember Thomas Edison’s persistence in trying to invent a light bulb: he tried over 600 filaments that did not work before he hit upon the one method that did work. If Edison had given up after one or two tries, our lives would be incredibly different today. Instead, Edison (whose teacher had kicked him out of school and called him unteachable) considered each “failure” to be a positive experience — he now knew one more thing that did not work, and eventually he would find something that would work.

If today’s plan accomplished nothing, change your approach for tomorrow. If you are really desperate, perhaps you may want to change the curriculum in a subject or two: when the student and teacher are both always on the verge of tears, it is never the fault of either of them; it is the fault of the curriculum. The curriculum itself is probably not bad, just not suited to the needs of you and your students. Talk to other homeschoolers to find out what they have liked or disliked and why. You can glean valuable ideas from other families, even when their children are not the same ages or grade levels as your children. Start fresh with a new vision or a different approach. There are times when we all benefit from a day off — have a video day with movies that fit in with your lessons. Take a field trip, build a model, do some experiments, play games, find a new way to look at the lesson. Be flexible — it is the only way to achieve Guilt-Free Homeschooling.

Filed Under: Encouragement for Parents, Homeschool How-To's, Homeschool v. Public School, Homeschooling as a Lifestyle

Role Modeling: Who’s Who — Otherwise Known as Teaching by Example

August 2, 2004 by Leave a Comment

If I do not preach a sermon with my life, why would anyone ever listen to my words? That thought occurred to me one morning as I cleaned my kitchen and listened to Christian radio. It is true, you know: if my life and my words are in opposition to each other, my students will notice it long before I will myself. Therefore, I must “mean what I say, and say what I mean” (thank you, Horton) and “do as I say” before insisting anyone else do it also.

When an educational question arises in our house, such as “what does that word mean” or “where is that country/city,” I have taken the lead, grabbing the dictionary, atlas, or other appropriate reference material, proclaiming “Let’s find out,” and then sharing the resulting facts with my students. Over the years, this habit has had a profound effect: my children are not afraid of the dictionary! I have observed them voluntarily grabbing the dictionary and checking proper plural forms for themselves. They have even been known to browse the dictionary just in the effort to learn new words. I have also caught them with the atlas, comparing the population figures for cities around the globe, attempting to gain perspective on relative sizes.

You are your children’s role models. Children will learn by example: speech patterns, manners (including apologizing), stewardship, decision-making (including TV and movie choices), prayer, reading as a general habit (Bible-reading in particular), driving habits, etc. Your children will become like you in more ways than you or they would ever imagine. People of integrity come from seeing integrity walked out before them. If I expect my children to behave a certain way, be it with honesty and courtesy and manners, or with a spirit of giving, or speaking the truth and not lies, I must model that behavior for them. I cannot expect my children to be a better person than I am willing to be myself.

One day when my children were getting early lessons in proper speaking manners, we happened to be babysitting a neighbor girl for a few hours. As I gave them all a snack of graham crackers, I was encouraging them to ask “May I have another cracker, please?” When the neighbor child balked, repeating the question with emphasis indicating she had never before heard such language, I joyfully gushed, “Of course, you may!” to her utter astonishment. I can only imagine the dinner-table conversation at her home that evening.

My personal philosophy on public behavior is: If I do not want to accidentally do it in public, I had better not incubate the bad habit of doing it in private. Case in point, many years ago, when my husband and I had just moved to this house, I was frustrating myself with trying to get the washing machine to cooperate with the mountains of laundry we had accumulated during the packing and moving procedure. As I took the machine apart to find the drain hose twisted beyond usefulness, I heard a knock at my back door. Never expecting a welcoming committee from my new neighborhood, I answered the door wearing the worst possible charity-bin-rejects, my hair messy and dirty from handyman-duty in the basement laundry area, and emitting the nasty aura of a not-so-recent bath. Those dear ladies were very cordially trying to invite me to a welcoming tea, even though my unexpected appearance was certainly not what they wanted gracing their living rooms. I made a conscious decision that day to rid my wardrobe of anything I did not want to be caught wearing — even on laundry day.

On another side of the role-modeling coin, consider for a moment what types of posters are most frequently displayed in college students’ dorm rooms. How do the stars look in the music videos watched by most teens? What are the lifestyles of the heroes and idols of today’s pop culture? Are these really people we should respect and look up to? Do their lives reflect the values we embrace? If not, then why would we want to emulate their standards in fashion? Look intently at the message being sent by the clothing available right now in the stores near you. Even if it was not overtly intended by the designer or not intended by the person purchasing the garment, the message still comes across loud and clear. Allow me to step up on my personal soapbox to say that no one’s daughter, regardless of her age, should look like a junior streetwalker, and yet many of the garments for sale right now create just that look.

I have watched public school teachers mimic their students in language and dress in an effort to “identify” with them, only to wonder later why their students showed no respect toward them. The respect vanished because the model switched roles: the teacher began copying the student, sadly making the student the role model for the teacher.

It is a fundamental principle of human nature to look to those in leadership for cues in how to handle life. Therefore, children will naturally strive to look, act, talk, and behave like their older peers. If you are homeschooling, you are essentially part of their peer group — an older peer. Take care to set the standard yourself that you want to see in those around you: your children, their friends, your friends, your neighbors, your co-workers, etc., and be very careful from whom you are taking your cues.

Filed Under: Homeschooling as a Lifestyle, Parenting, Role-Modeling

Siblings as Best Friends

June 22, 2004 by Leave a Comment

Siblings as Best Friends follows right on the heels of The Family as a Team. Let me first explain my viewpoint on this topic. I grew up as the last of four children, five years younger than my nearest sibling. We were all spaced out over twelve years, a little more room between children each time, leaving me with little in common with my brother and sisters other than parents. Sibling rivalry was rampant, picking-on-the-little-kid was tolerated, and I was miserable. Fast-forward to the point in time when all of us became married adults. My nearest sibling and I became friends for the first time — twenty years behind schedule. When I recognized this wasted relationship and realized that we could have been friends much sooner, I determined not to let my own children waste that time in their own lives.

In teaching my children the lessons of taking turns in game-playing and how playing by the rules is fair to all players, I also tried to teach them that playing the game is fun for the whole time, while winning or losing the game only lasts for a moment. I explained over and over to them how my sister and I never enjoyed playing together as children because we were so hung up on things that did not really matter. We could not see through children’s eyes that friends will come and go, but siblings are forever. My children are not perfect examples, but they do get along most of the time. They have seen friends move away, they have matured at different rates from their friends, they have developed different interests from their friends, and through it all they have recognized that a sibling is always there. Siblings will be there to play with or talk with when no one else is around. If your children can develop solid friendships with their siblings, they will be giving themselves the gift of friends for life.

Sibling rivalry is reportedly at its peak between the ages of 4 and 8. Bear that in mind as you encourage your children to grow and mature and learn to understand their younger siblings’ maturity levels. We parents, myself included, often fall into the trap of expecting the oldest child to be more responsible than his age allows, but we also tend to neglect teaching responsibility to our younger children, allowing them to slide along as Oldest Child assumes the burden of leadership. I am a firm believer that explanations to children, giving reasons why behavior is acceptable or unacceptable, go much farther towards improving the behavior than just a simple “thanks” or “stop that.”

A very vital part of developing sibling friendships is not tolerating torture. If those little people are to become friends and remain friends, they cannot be allowed to pick on each other. Ridicule is out. Incessant tickling is out as well — as a former target of tickling myself, I consider it to be a form of child abuse. Parents, take a good look at the behavior between siblings (or between parents/adults and children as well) and analyze the motivation behind that behavior. Is it encouraging and strengthening to their relationship? Or does it stem from jealousy? A wonderful by-product of sibling friendships is seen when one stands up for another to a third-party antagonizer. If you do not defend your sibling, who will? And if they do not stand up for you, who will?

What better way to demonstrate Biblical principles and God’s agape love than to point out selfish, unacceptable behavior for the sin that it is and then replace it with true Love. “Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends.” (John 15:13 NASB) Use the opportunity to show your children the scriptures and remind them of how Jesus put His own needs and desires after those of others. Jesus did not demand His own way: He served.

Now a quick word about “extended” families: We have discovered recently that college roommates can become new siblings. When children have mastered sibling relationships, they are able to go off to college and successfully reside in a small dormitory room with total strangers. They simply treat the strangers as “new siblings I haven’t met before.” The college roommates do not always come with the siblings-as-friends philosophy as standard equipment, but they can catch on quickly! My daughter’s college friends (male or female) and roommates responded very well to being included as new members of our family. Sadly, many had never been treated with respect before in a family situation and loved the idea of not being ridiculed or picked on.

Filed Under: Encouraging Your Student, Family Unity, Homeschooling as a Lifestyle, Parenting, Sibling Relationships

Family Is Spelled T-E-A-M

June 18, 2004 by Leave a Comment

Alexandre Dumas said it best in The Three Musketeers: “All for one, and one for all.” My family is a singular unit, even though it appears to be made up of individuals. We work together to accomplish our common goals, with unity of purpose as a wonderful side benefit.

For example, each one of us has learned how to operate the washer and dryer for doing laundry, a common practice in many families. However, in this family, if one individual needs a specific load of laundry done, he/she does not simply do his/her own laundry. Instead all family members are questioned to find out if anyone else also has items to be added to that load — a practice that promotes teamwork and unity, rather than selfishness and isolation.

Other household chores are also done with a teamwork principle, rather than being assigned in turns. Each chore is usually done by only one person at a time (or with Mom’s discipleship), but we do not always schedule who is going to do it next. Our goal is “getting the job done for the good of the family.” “Taking turns” is a valuable skill, most often used in playing games and other recreational pursuits. Taking turns does teach patience and sharing. However, in a home environment where all members benefit from the performance of a specific duty, all members should be ready and willing to perform that duty whenever it needs doing. Emptying or loading the dishwasher; taking out the trash; washing, drying, and folding laundry; sweeping, vacuuming, and dusting; lawn-mowing, leaf-raking, and snow-shoveling — these are regular household chores that benefit all members of the family and therefore get done by all members of the family. Ever-present Mom usually acts as superintendent, assigning chores as needed to whomever is available, but we all understand that if one person is not available to do it this time, chances are good that he will be expected to do it another time when he is available. Substituting for each other ensures that each person knows how to do each job and also builds the family-as-team concept.

A sidebar issue to “This Family Is a Team” is “Siblings as Best Friends.” You may be in disbelief at this concept depending on the ages of your children, but give me a chance and I will explain.

Filed Under: Family Unity, Home Chores, Homeschooling as a Lifestyle

Living Your Life with No Regrets

June 5, 2004 by Leave a Comment

I do not mean to imply that we should do whatever we feel like and just not care about the outcome. On the contrary, I do mean that we should live in such a way that whatever happens, we can live with the consequences. I attempt to live my life in as Christ-like a manner as possible, so that if I do not get a chance to “do-over” an action or a conversation, I am able to be content with it. Easy? Not a chance. Easier with practice? Definitely!

A large part of that process involves doing things right the first time. Doing things right the first time means I have to be thinking and planning ahead so as not to leave undone something I should do. I must say the correct thing at the right moment. I must exercise my faith in God’s leading to know I am doing the proper thing at the proper moment. At times, it will mean restraining my mouth from a tempting word or holding back a hurtful action, but the outcome will leave me at peace, having no regrets, Guilt-Free. It means living my life in the Spirit of God’s agape love and putting selfishness aside for the sake of others.

Sometimes those “others” will be my own family, who must come before anyone else. I should not do for outsiders what I have not first done for my own husband and children, lest they feel neglected and allow jealousy to creep in. Sometimes my children will share with me in giving, learning first-hand about having a servant’s heart as we work together to serve others.

Occasionally, we all have days that do not measure up to our own expectations. When that happens, stop and count the little accomplishments of that day (in schoolwork and/or housework) to gauge success. (“At least we will all have clean underwear for tomorrow.”) Some days, “attaining vertical posture” must be seriously counted as a goal! Living my life with no regrets means I will not set my own standards too high, I will accept what I did today, and I will try to do better tomorrow.

Filed Under: Doing Your "Best", Encouragement for Parents, Family Unity, Homeschooling as a Lifestyle

Driving My Minivan Is the Closest I Get to the “Homeschool Uniform”

June 1, 2004 by 1 Comment

First, a quick explanation: many tongue-in-cheek jokes have been made by homeschoolers about other homeschoolers (that is allowed, like people enjoying jokes about their own ethnic group). The “homeschool uniform” refers to a denim jumper of mid-calf length, white t-shirt, white socks and tennis shoes, and possibly long hair done up in a bun. Now surround Mom with no less than 5 children (perfectly stair-stepped in heighths) and pack them all into a minivan, Suburban, or other large SUV. Extra points if Mom is pregnant. Obviously, not all homeschool Moms look this way, but when at a homeschool support group meeting or homeschool convention, sometimes it can feel like I am the only one who does not conform! I often joke that driving my minivan is the closest I get to wearing the “homeschool uniform.”

Hopefully, you have chosen homeschooling because you wanted to give your children a customized education, not simply because you were following the latest fad in your neighborhood or church. Whether that means customized for religious beliefs, health requirements, or distance disadvantages, your preference in education has differed from “the norm.” Therefore, strive to find the “educational system” that best fits your family’s lifestyle — please do not adopt trends trying to “look like a homeschooler” or “fit in.”

My daughter recently identified her new college roommate as having been homeschooled, based on the girl’s behavior and lifestyle choices. When asked, the roommate confirmed that she was in fact from a large homeschooling family. It was further confirmed when the roommate’s younger siblings visited the dorm: quiet, respectful, well-behaved children tend to stand out as unusual these days!

By choosing to homeschool, we are standing up against the peer pressure of the government institutions. By homeschooling in our own way with our own chosen methods, we are standing up to the peer pressure of other families. We want to be different from the world, we want to rise higher than the world’s standards, and we want our children to be better than the standard worldly examples. It is not what I wear that makes the difference, it is what I teach my children and how I teach them.

Filed Under: Curriculum Choices, Encouragement for Parents, Homeschool v. Public School, Homeschooling as a Lifestyle
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