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Homeschooling Failures I Have Known — and What Can Be Learned from Them

September 29, 2004 by 6 Comments

Family A chose homeschooling because their children were lagging behind in public school, and their homeschooled cousins were excelling. After only one year at home, the A. children were returned to public school and Mrs. A. vowed she would never homeschool again. What went wrong? Plenty. The high-school-aged student thought homeschooling to be the most boring year ever — sitting around all day, every day, “just reading books.” The upper elementary and middle school students tried to do their work at the kitchen table, while the preschool-aged siblings climbed all over them, chasing after the (many) other preschoolers and toddlers that Mom was babysitting. (The home’s arrangement put the kitchen table in the middle of the little ones’ main play area.)
Very little discipline, poor curriculum choices, and no outside support made for an unpleasant homeschooling experience. However, when these children did return to public school, they had advanced two grade levels to be at least equal with their peers (showing there are benefits to even disorganized homeschooling).
Lessons to Be Learned: Seek advice from experienced homeschoolers on matching curriculum to your students; allow your students to have input on what specific interests they would like to pursue. Set aside time for interaction with other homeschool families — you will all benefit from the fellowship. Do not over-commit yourself at the same time that you are learning to homeschool — homeschooling is a full-time job all by itself. Do not give up right after you’ve learned how to do this job — the first year is the toughest.

Family B homeschooled from Kindergarten onward, attempting to cover every possible subject for which there was curriculum available. Dad was self-employed, so Mom was also assisting in managing the responsibilities of a small, but growing, enterprise. Dad was a firm disciplinarian (read: control freak). Every few years Dad insisted on sending the kids to private Christian school for a year to be sure they were not missing anything. Mom would have preferred the consistency of continuous homeschooling, but gave in because she was constantly on the verge of a breakdown.
Lessons to Be Learned: Do not attempt to Do It All — this family overwhelmed themselves by trying to do too many unnecessary things and sacrificing their more important family relationships. Do not underestimate your ability to educate your children — they may not be learning exactly what other children are learning, but your children are learning the things that are important to your family. When all else seems to fail, re-evaluate your standards: are you putting forth your greatest effort toward the things you consider to be the most important?

Family C was anxious to keep up with the other homeschoolers at their church, so they began Kindergarten with their barely-4-year-old. When I met them a year later, that student was in first grade and the next-in-line was now doing Kindergarten. The two toddlers were normally active, but Mom was so enthusiastic about doing history, science, and many other extra classes with her students that she did not always keep a close eye on the younger children (who therefore constantly got into trouble). Mom eventually gave up and put the students into Christian school. I should mention that Mom was also working part-time outside the home during all this — while Dad’s income alone was more than adequate to support the family. They were planning to try homeschooling again later on when Dad’s job transferred him for a year to an area with inadequate schools, but I have lost contact with them and have not heard how that went.
Lessons to Be Learned: Once again, do not attempt to Do It All. More intense subjects (such as history and science) cannot be retained efficiently by younger learners; save them until the students have mastery of reading (at least 4th grade). History and science activities can be done occasionally to supplement other subjects, but save the formal lessons for later. Include your toddlers in your schooltime by giving them their own “school activities,” whether directly related to the lessons or not.

Family D homeschooled for several years, dual-enrolling their children in public school for extra-curricular classes and activities. Mom spent most of her time driving to the school (then back) to deliver each of her children in turn for lessons, practices, and performances. The oldest child entered high school and enrolled in even more classes and spent many hours at the school each day. The D. family has not really failed at homeschooling itself, but these children are spending ever-increasing time with public school peers and are readily adopting the prevalent attitudes and (anti-) social behavior. The siblings are mouthy, disrespectful, and frankly, no fun to be around. I used to really like these kids.
Lesson to Be Learned: The point of homeschooling is to give our children a better environment and a better education. (How can that happen if you keep putting them right back into public school?)

Family E wanted to “sample the homeschool movement,” so their last child at home was to be homeschooled for one year only, and then returned to public school. They used the school’s curriculum, but also added several extra Bible-based programs in order to get what they considered to be “the best of both worlds.” Another example of trying to do everything at once, the E. family happily (and exhaustedly) turned back to the government system after their one-year trial. Refusing to call this a failure, they instead consider themselves to have been true homeschoolers.
Lesson to Be Learned: I personally consider this family’s experiment to have been as much fad-behavior as wearing stick-on tattoos, and I feel they got the same long-lasting benefits. Know why you are homeschooling. You will get out of it what you put into it.

Family F was similar to Family A, in that they had a very active toddler vying for the attention that the older siblings were getting during schooltime. Mrs. F. (like so many other eager new homeschoolers) wanted to jump right in and do every subject imaginable. Mom spread herself much too thin, felt over-obligated with the schoolwork and guilty for neglecting the toddler, and convinced herself after a year that public school was a better alternative. Mrs. F. deeply misses the relationship with her older children, but is now happily spending more time with her youngest. I still hope she will try homeschooling her children again when the youngest is ready for school.
Lesson to Be Learned: Avoid trying to Do It All, include your little people at their own level, and do not consider yourself a failure simply for over-committing yourself.

Guilt-Free Homeschooling is achieved by
1) Doing what God has asked you to do, not what all of your friends or relatives are doing or may expect you to do.
2) Spending some time reflecting on all your reasons for educating your children at home and writing those reasons down so you can look back over them whenever you need a reminder.
3) Looking after your own family’s needs first and only extending your efforts to others as you have the time, energy, and resources to do so. (Your own family should not suffer because you are taking care of others’ needs instead of theirs.)
4) Reserving time occasionally for your family to interact with other homeschooling families (Moms, Dads, and children) — for educational activities, for fellowship, for support, or just for fun.

Filed Under: Encouragement for Parents, Family Unity, Homeschool How-To's, Preschoolers

When Children Mispronounce Words

September 27, 2004 by Leave a Comment

Every Mom’s living nightmare: your little boy has finally begun talking; he toddles out to greet the grandparents/friends/neighbors and show them his favorite toy truck; you prompt him (or he volunteers) to show off his newfound speech; he substitutes the “tr” at the beginning of the toy’s name with “fw” and you find yourself embarrassed beyond comprehension. I am using a boy in this illustration simply because girls more often have a baby doll as their favorite toy and “baby” is much easier to pronounce. Girls can have equal difficulty with pronouncing certain sounds.

If you have acquaintances or family members who jump at the chance to turn everything into an off-color joke, you know you want to avoid this scene at any cost. The poor child has no idea why everyone is suddenly laughing and pointing fingers at him, or worse, scolding him for committing such a grievous sin. He is confused because he thought he was doing a good thing — speaking. His parents had just been begging him to talk; now he did and got punished (or humiliated) for it. What a confusing world!

Some children develop difficulty with pronunciation later on when they begin losing baby teeth and gaining adult teeth. Simple physics can explain this one: suddenly the child has some very large teeth in a still small mouth. It is the same principle as putting a family of six into a sedan. They do fit, but it is a tighter squeeze than if they were in a roomy minivan. Imagine those family members rapidly growing from T-ball players to football-team-starters and you will see my point even better.

Children will often outgrow speech difficulties as they gradually “grow into” their teeth, but we can also help them in the process by extending patience and loving instruction. Illustrate the letters and sounds present in the word and make sure the child knows how the word is supposed to sound. Get out the dictionary and look it up together — that way Webster is the authority of record, not just Mom. Lovingly coach the pronunciation practice, do not become the Dictatorial Tyrant of Corrections who inflicts fear of public speaking into anyone within earshot. Instill confidence in the child that he is not destined to a life of sounding like Elmer Fudd: he can and will learn to speak correctly, it will just take practice, and you will be there to help him every step of the way.

When my children had difficulty pronouncing words, I tenderly explained to them how it is important to be able to pronounce words correctly, since that is where most people get their first impressions of us: from our speech. Then I wrote out the word and we discussed all of the sounds made by the letters, including (when necessary) how some letters may make different sounds in other words, but sound this way in this word. Next I had them practice saying the word correctly, assuring them that I was not making fun of the way they pronounced it, nor was I “picking on them,” but trying to help them learn a difficult but necessary task. Usually, the faulty pronunciation was rooted in haste — the child had “heard” the word incorrectly, began pronouncing it incorrectly, and got into a bad habit. I had further reinforced that bad habit by not correcting the problem sooner, and I apologized to my child for my neglect. Now we were taking the time and effort to fix it, and things worked out well. We repeated this process — successfully — many times over, with no hurt or embarrassed feelings.

My son used to pronounce the word weapon as “weapond.” I showed him that there is no “d” on the end, and explained that it should not sound like “second.” It took several gentle reminders for him to begin catching and correcting himself, especially because he was usually enthusiastically telling me about his favorite subject!

Before he began reading, he had a few other mispronunciations. Those are more difficult to correct, just because the non-reader cannot appreciate the illustrated word and is limited to hearing the correction. My son consistently referred to the girl in the backyard: the contraption we used in the summertime to cook hamburgers and hotdogs. With patience, kindness, and a lot of practice, I was able to help him switch those sounds around and put the “r” right after the “g,” giving us a barbecue grill.

Another slightly defective word was not fully correctable until he learned to read the letters: he always said “shore” when he meant “sure.” It caught the attention of many church ladies who uttered a doting AWWWWW whenever he answered “Shore” instead of “Yes,” especially since he tended to draw the word out into nearly two syllables. Once he began to understand that letters have sounds and make up words, then I could convince him that there was a correct way to pronounce each word, and his insistence of “But I say it this way” was not an acceptable alternative.

I did have to point out to my children an adult appearing on a local TV news program who spoke with a slight speech impediment. I did not do it in a way that ridiculed the man, but rather asked my children what their impressions were of him. They understood immediately, and said that someone should have helped him learn to speak correctly when he was a small boy, so that he would not still have that juvenile speech pattern as an adult.

It is important to stress with beginning readers to read the sounds in order. In their anxious desire to read, children tend to rush through the words, guessing at what a word may be. Slow them down, encouraging them to take their time and be sure of what letter sounds are in the word, reading and pronouncing those sounds in the order that they appear in the word — that is reading, not guessing.

Practice with the child on difficult sounds such as “r,” “l,” or “s.” Assure the child that you are helping in his best interest, and do not allow any family members to poke fun at him. I am personally appalled at parents who dwell on the “cuteness” of a child’s mispronunciations and, rather than correct the ignorance, begin using the faulty word themselves. What a disservice to the child — I will not teach you the correct way to say the word, I will just repeat your mistake back to you every day for the rest of your life! Children recognize that they live in an adult world, and they want to be seen as being grown-up; they do not want to see grown-ups acting like children. Therefore, we should help them learn to say and do things the way they will need to say and do them in an adult world, not sentence them to spending any extra time trapped in childhood when they should be maturing. Yes, it may be cute when they are 2 or 3, but it is not doing them any favors to have them still using babyish speech at 12 or 13, or 22, or 33.

Filed Under: Auditory Learning, Parenting, Preschoolers, Reading, Speech, Visual Learning

Your Children Will Not Always Be Like This

September 3, 2004 by 6 Comments

Attention — all parents of multiple children, especially those with babies and/or toddlers, and definitely all new homeschooling families — raise your right hand and repeat after me: “My children will not always be this age.” Repeat this exercise as often as needed to maintain your sanity. It can help to realize that today’s problems will not be tomorrow’s problems. (Do not even think about what problems might happen tomorrow — especially if today has been particularly problem-laden. You just do not need to go there right now.) Concentrate on the good things that your children do, focus on what they have accomplished, and hold tight to those thoughts. It may be the only thing that gets you through to the next fill-in-the-time-period-of-your-choice.

You are hip-deep in diapers and baby food jars, your house looks like a Fisher-Price obstacle course, and you can not step anywhere without crunching some formerly edible substance underfoot. You may also be pregnant. Or trying to become pregnant. (The wisdom of which you may currently be calling into question.) And just when are you supposed to find the time, patience, and gentle spirit to lovingly instruct your older children? Not in this lifetime, you scoff?

Again, raise your right hand and repeat the pre-stated oath. Babies will eventually detach themselves from Mom’s chest, toddlers will eventually learn to obey the Voice of Authority, and the preschoolers will eventually get the cereal poured into the bowl instead of directly onto the floor. Your job right now, Mom, is just to survive today with a little dignity intact. You might even get a lesson explained. Ok, half a lesson. But you have just started, and by next week things will go a little smoother. I promise. (But notice I did not quantify “a little.”) Remind yourself as often as needed that your children are growing up, they are maturing, they are learning. (Also remind yourself that anyone daring to criticize your homeschooling and/or housekeeping skills probably does not have the same number of children underfoot that you have, or they would know enough to keep quiet.)

Reminding your children of their accomplishments can help them to recognize their own growth and maturation process. They may see themselves as being unchanging centers of the universe with all others present only to dote on them. It can do wonders for children to learn to see the world through others’ eyes. Try using their outgrown clothing as a tool to show them how they have grown physically, and then ask them to “think backwards in their minds” to how they acted when those clothes were new and fit better. Do the same thing with older examples of their schoolwork and artwork to see how handwriting, spelling, grammar, or drawing may have improved. Point out how they have matured in their thinking, in their behavior, and in their learning. Praise them for the great progress they have made and help them to imagine what changes may come next. Help your children to set a realistic (start small) goal or two for themselves, whether personally or in their schoolwork. Rejoice together over their little accomplishments and celebrate big-time when major milestones have been conquered.

Your children will not always be this age. Yes, the problems will change as the children change, but you do not have to worry about tomorrow’s problems just yet. You can better deal with today’s difficulties by realizing that they will not continue forever. And you can put your hand down now.

Filed Under: Encouragement for Parents, Encouraging Your Student, Family Unity, Homeschool How-To's, Parenting, Preschoolers

Using Your Household Staff

August 25, 2004 by Leave a Comment

“She gets up before dawn to prepare breakfast for her household and plan the day’s work for her servant girls.” (Proverbs 31:15) I do not have a staff of servant girls (and I am rarely up before dawn!), but I do have household servants. So do you, although yours may differ slightly from mine. I have a crock-pot, a bread machine, a clothes washer and dryer, a dishwasher, etc. These make up my household staff. If I have a load of laundry in the washing machine, another load in the dryer (or on the clothesline), the dishwasher is running, and the crock-pot is crocking away, I know I can sit down for a few minutes Guilt-Free, because tasks are being taken care of for me! Clothing and dishes are being cleaned and food is being cooked, enabling “me” to be in several places at once.

I try to get “my staff” working as soon as possible each day, because then I can feel quite productive — even if I am having a rather “slow” day personally. I can sit down with my students to practice their reading or play a game, knowing that chores are getting done.

Back when my children were small, I used a cassette tape recorder to capture my voice as I read favorite storybooks to my toddler. Later, when Mommy just could not be there, that tape could be replayed — allowing Little One to spend time with Mommy, hearing those favorites over and over again, making the tape player another valued member of my helpful staff. Incidentally, my daughter got as much enjoyment from hearing her own reactions on the tape as from hearing me. I had also tried just reading stories into the tape recorder — without the child on my lap — but the result was undesirably flat and just no fun to listen to.

My children are also valuable members of my staff — Mom should never be working alone when all others are recreating! I enjoy free time as much as the next person does; I just seem to get less of it. Kids can fold towels, sort underwear, scrub potatoes, and do plenty of other simple jobs so that Mom can be freed up for higher-skill jobs. Many times I have agreed to make a costume or other special request for one of my children only after they agreed to take over specific Mommy-tasks in order to give me the time required. Barter is a great tool — use it to your advantage!

Many years have passed, but I still remember the shock on my friend’s face when her daughter wrote a paper for school about the hobbies her family members pursued. The daughter had listed Mom’s hobbies as cooking and cleaning. I knew that woman as being a very artsy person who loved craft projects, decorating, sewing, and scrounging through garage sales. We had great fun together going to those garage sales and parks with our children or at couples’ parties with our spouses. I knew she had many interests — why did her own daughter only see the cooking-and-cleaning side? Perhaps it was because Mom had never pointed out what leisure time activities she did enjoy. Perhaps a little job-trading activity would have helped to clarify the fact that some chores benefit the entire family and can therefore be accomplished by anyone in the family with the required skill. More than once I have accepted the offer of kid-prepared scrambled eggs for supper in return for mending something that child wanted to wear the next day.

We all need to re-examine how and why we do the things we do. Are perfectly folded towels really all that important once we close the linen closet door? Will my family notice (or even care) if the cake they eat after supper has been imperfectly frosted by the Junior Chef or will they just be grateful for the rare treat of dessert? How much better will I feel at the end of the day knowing we have clean underwear for tomorrow AND Little One got to snuggle on my lap through several storybooks? Making use of timesaving appliances and a little work-together time can also save me some sanity and let me get on to enjoying some Guilt-Free activities that I have previously only dreamed about.

Filed Under: Family Unity, Home Chores, Homeschool How-To's, Preschoolers

Teaching with Preschoolers Around… and Under… and on Top… and Beside

August 19, 2004 by Leave a Comment

“How can I find time to teach the older child when the toddler needs my constant attention?” That is The Big Question that prevents many families from beginning homeschooling — in my mind, it is probably even a bigger concern than What To Do About Socialization! It kept me from diving in for several years. I had known about homeschooling and known many homeschool families before our first child began school, but it was the dreaded Active Toddler who took center stage and made me fearful of my ability to juggle all the homeschooling responsibilities. Once my youngest was also in school, I had no more fear — for some reason, it finally looked do-able, and we finally began homeschooling.

If I had bothered to think things through better, I would have realized that I had many options for homeschooling around a toddler. For some unknown reason, at that point in time the homeschoolers we did know were not willing to share their techniques for getting through the daily grind. They seemed to think I would be better off inventing my own wheel than to adapt their prototypes to suit my needs. Therefore, I now willingly and openly share my trials, tribulations, successes, and failures for your benefit. Learn what you will.

Spend some time with Junior first, then teach the others when Junior gets bored and leaves to play on his own. Indulge the preschooler with his own set of “school supplies” — Laurie puzzles, workbooks of pre-writing skills, washable markers, etc. and allow him to “do school” along with his older siblings. Also provide safe, quiet toys nearby for when he gets bored with sitting still. Nevertheless, be encouraged: Junior will be learning HOW to sit still and be quiet and pay attention for those short periods when he does stay with you. He will also be learning how to entertain himself when he leaves the table. (Keep those “school toys” as a special treat to be used only during lesson times, otherwise they will lose their appeal.)

Use Baby’s naptime for working with the older children. “School” does not have to take place during the same set of hours each day. (see Every Day is a Learning Day) Lessons can even come in spurts — do one or two subjects in the morning, take a long lunch and play break, then do another subject in the afternoon. Teach the older children to work by themselves when they can, giving you more time to attend to Baby’s needs. Save especially-Mom-intensive subjects for Baby’s naptime.

Apply skill-level discretion to teaching tasks: does this need Mom’s personal attention, or is someone else capable of handling it? Older children may practice their reading skills by reading to the toddlers or by listening to beginning readers. A great-grandmother shared with me how she was raised in a large family where each older child was always responsible for a specifically assigned younger child. Child #1 cared for Child #3, Child #2 cared for Child #4, Child #3 cared for Child #5, and so on. That system removed the possibility of anyone “slipping through the cracks” — no one could claim, “I thought YOU were watching him.” A similar approach can be adapted for scheduling the homeschool lessons: student-works-alone time (perhaps for math), group lessons (maybe a family read-aloud book), read-to-the-toddler time (as reading skills reinforcement), help-the-kindergartner time, etc. Remember, the best way to learn a subject is to teach it to someone else, so pairing up older and younger learners helps them both. If the lessons are scheduled so that Student #1 always spends the same time slot working with Student #3, and so on, all students will benefit, and Mom gets to be in more places at once through the added helping hands. The young ones will also learn to respect individual lesson times, knowing that their share of time is coming, too.

Now let’s all repeat the Guilt-Free Homeschooling motto: The “right” way to homeschool is the way that fits my family best — our schedule, our needs, our desires, our abilities. You are free to adapt your schedule to whatever fits your family’s needs. If you need extra time to tend to Little One, you may take it. If you need to wait until 1:30 to begin lessons each day, who cares? If you need to breastfeed while teaching math class, go for it! (Let’s see them try that one in government school!)

Filed Under: Homeschool How-To's, Preschoolers, Scheduling

Bells on Their Toes and Other Means of Keeping Toddler Safe

August 18, 2004 by 2 Comments

Since when is just keeping track of your children considered to be child abuse or being “over-protective”? Is it child abuse to stop your child from running out into the street? NO! Is it being over-protective to teach your child not to touch the hot stove? NO! It is also not abusive to want to keep your child safe from any other significant dangers that may lurk just outside Mom or Dad’s line of sight. It is also much less stressful to have your child standing or walking close by your side, safely connected to your wrist by a “child leash,” rather than have to fight endless wrestling matches because the toddler simply wants to exercise the legs God gave him. Hot weather is the most obvious argument for letting the child walk on his own — it gets sticky here in Iowa in July, and both parent and child gain blessed relief from being able to be safely separated by a few inches. And yet, Moms and Dads know they will receive condemning stares from the general public if they seek to use a safety child harness or other such connecting life-line.

Attach bells to the little ones’ shoes so you can tell which direction they have wandered or put a leash on their arm and yours or whatever it takes to keep your child close to you, but safe. I got the same nasty stares from people that you are afraid of getting, but I held my head high and reassured myself that I was doing the right thing. I knew I was treating my child like an autonomous human being and not like a less-than-submissive domestic animal.

I bought tiny brass bells (not the round, miniature sleigh bell style) at a craft store and looped the bells over the shoelaces with small-size ponytail elastics (1″ diameter) the way you would loop rubber bands together to make a chain. The covered ponytail bands were stronger and longer lasting than rubber bands and allowed the bells enough room to flop around and jingle effectively. The bands could be quickly looped around shoelaces, Velcro straps, or sandal straps. The tiny bells gave off a quiet jingle that most people did not even notice, but our trained ears readily tuned in to.

My son wore bells on his shoes until he was five. For him it meant freedom: Mom and Dad could tell where he was or if he was wandering off. We actually bought a little device once that would sound an alarm if the child got more than a certain distance from the “base unit” attached to Dad’s belt. We returned it to the store after only one weekend’s use — we could not tell which way the toddler had wandered. The ear-piercing shriek told us he was gone, but gave us no clue which direction to start looking. The bells went back on the shoes and stayed there for several more years.

We also purchased a “leash” and developed creative ways to use it. It was the coiled “telephone wire” type with Velcro straps to fasten around your wrist and the child’s wrist. That worked wonderfully until I needed to hold onto two children at the same time. Then I attached the “child-proof” end to my younger child and the “parent” end to my older child (with an appropriate explanation of why it was important not to remove it), and I held onto the middle of the stretchy cord. At least if I needed to let go momentarily, my children would stay together.

I only had two children to worry about, and many readers are now wondering how they can deal with their “added blessings.” It is a technique that is too often overlooked: teach your older children the importance of being Mom’s helpers. You are not doing yourself any favors by permitting the “I don’t want to touch him/her” frame of mind. I recently observed a Mom-of-three walking out of a store, clutching the hands of her two youngest and casting worried glances over her shoulder to make sure Child #1 was still following behind. That oldest child also had hands and was therefore sufficiently equipped to hold onto either of his siblings, but Mom was allowing him to poke along by himself, slowing down the whole family. (That allows Junior to set the pace and call all the shots — Mom is no longer in control, Junior has now become The Boss.) Mom, make that child hold onto his sibling’s hand and keep up with the rest of you! The fenced-in backyard is your child’s safe area for running around free — shopping trips are a different story.

One more important note: hiding in store clothing racks was not something I tolerated! I went through enough panic the first time that happened to know I never wanted a repeat occurrence. Children do get bored when shopping and see ducking inside racks as a harmless distraction and a delightful game. Take the time to explain to the child why you cannot allow them to sit underneath the clothing where they cannot be seen by an adult. Also, offer an alternative to them: show them where they can sit on the floor so you can see them, lift them into your shopping cart for a rest, or start an observation game as a distraction while you quickly finish your shopping (I see something green and square… do you?). Incidentally, I have found that for most discipline problems, a little explanation goes a long way! Once the child understands the reason for the rule, it is much easier for them to obey the rule.

The people who would consider us “over-protective” are those who grew up in a different world from the one we now live in. Unfortunately, we cannot go back in time to a day when Opie and his friends would ride their bicycles out into the country unsupervised, or when Beaver would walk across town to the movie matinee and get distracted for hours on end exploring construction sites. Although those were fictional scenarios, we must face facts and realize that our children are children, and children need parents to guide them, protect them, and watch over them. We should not allow anyone to make us feel guilty for doing our job to the best of our ability.

Filed Under: Discipline, Parenting, Preschoolers
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