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Is This “Acceptable Behavior”?

January 25, 2005 by Leave a Comment

As we congratulated the graduating homeschool senior, he addressed us as Mr. and Mrs. Morrison and thanked us for attending the ceremony. My husband fondly gripped his shoulder and chuckled, “You can call me by my first name — you’re an adult now.” The young man’s face showed a touch of embarrassment as he glanced around the room for his parents. “No,” he replied, “I can’t.” We understood. The graduate’s parents insisted that their children address adults by formal titles and last names only. To do otherwise was considered unacceptable behavior in their family.

Some parents instruct their children to call me Miss Carolyn, others call me Mrs. Morrison, and still others simply use my first name with no formal title, which is actually my preference as a very casual Midwesterner. The decision of how to address elders lies with each family and their preference for formality, and the manners are enforced by them, not by me. This philosophy also applies to “store manners,” “indoor voices,” “company behavior,” and other special occasions for which we have special rules. Each family sets and enforces its own guidelines for acceptable behavior.

When my children exhibited behavior that was inappropriate for the circumstances, I quietly took the offender aside and explained in age-appropriate language why this was not acceptable behavior and offered an alternative response so that the child would know how I expected him to act the next time. Removing the child from the public eye for this heart-to-heart chat avoided further embarrassment for either of us, thereby preventing revenge from becoming part of the mix. If an apology was required, I also tried to help the child see the situation from the opposing point of view, so that (hopefully) he could empathize with the offended party and offer a sincere apology.

Once the limits of acceptability have been established, the parent can simply ask the child “Is this acceptable behavior?” The child now knows the answer himself and can correct his actions without further discussion. Sometimes the parent may need to use a slightly firmer tact of “This is not acceptable behavior,” but the outcome should still be the same with the child correcting his own actions. If the child has successfully learned what is and what is not acceptable behavior, the parent does not need to go through the teaching process again any time a rule has been broken. To do so raises the child to the position of control in the situation — something no parent wants to have happen.

We have all been caught in the supermarket checkout lane when an over-tired toddler takes control of his harried parent. Either the child is immediately rewarded with candy, toys, and mechanical pony rides, or all the other shoppers in the store are subjected to his ear-piercing screams until he finally does get his way. (I am continually reminded by my young adult children, “You never let us get away with that behavior!” I am not sure if they are bothered more by the disruption or by the thought that they missed out on a lot of loot.) When my young children asked if they could have a toy or candy, I gave them a definite answer, either yes or no. In the case of a negative answer, they would often ask again a few seconds later. I always replied, “I already answered that. Will my answer change?” It took very few repetitions of this scenario before they learned to stop asking — Mom almost never changed her mind. Once they had learned not to beg and plead for trinkets and trifles, it was great fun for me to offer them a treat as a reward for good behavior. The reward was not given on every trip, though, lest it become expected and cease being a reward.

Expect your children to test the limits you set up. (See Parent Is a Verb for a more complete explanation of why children test boundaries.) Do not expect children to understand acceptable vs. unacceptable behavior unless a thorough explanation has also been given at some point in time. However, once the boundaries have been set, your word should remain law with only very rare exceptions allowed under extreme circumstances. Only occasional reminders should be necessary to correct unacceptable situations, keeping the parents in the seat of authority and keeping the children much happier with a lowered level of stress in the entire family.

Filed Under: Behavior, Family Unity, Parenting

Respect Must Be Earned

January 19, 2005 by 2 Comments

Respect is not just the title of a Motown song. Aretha Franklin may have settled for “just a little bit,” but even more is possible when taking the right approach. Respect is not given away freely, however — respect must be earned. If your actions or your words or your life’s witness is not worthy of respect, you can demand respect from now until Doomsday, but you will never get respect. The only way to get respect is to be worthy of it — then it comes automatically.

If you show respect to those around you, specifically to your students, you will likely get respect in return. If you despise those around you by constantly demanding, whining, and complaining to or about them, no amount of demanding, whining, or complaining will earn that respect for you. Show respect to those actions worthy of respect — praising what can be praised and looking for virtue and goodness in the unexpected areas of life. Remember the old adage of attracting more flies with honey than with vinegar.

I treated my children the way I wanted to be treated — I said “please” and “thank you” to them just as I would have said to another adult. Hearing it over and over impressed the routine into their brains, and they were soon saying “the magic words” as well, needing only a few gentle reminders and earning encouraging praise. One day I was babysitting a neighbor’s sons after school, and the older boy had gone across the street (with permission) to play with the other neighborhood children. As I called to him out my front door and asked him to “please come home now,” another Mom heard me from her front yard. “Boy, I can sure tell he’s not really your kid!” was her response. “Nobody would say ‘please’ to their own kids!” I was shocked. I had always asked my own children to “please do” things. Another day I babysat that woman’s daughter for a few hours and learned first-hand that there was a severe lack of both manners and respect in their home.

One rule I set up in our home was that “a closed door is considered to be a locked door,” meaning that anyone desiring privacy could close his bedroom door and know that he had a sanctuary to himself. I admit that the reason behind it was that our house is old and has settled oddly, making bedroom doors almost impossible to latch. However, the lesson in respect was taught as I knocked on my children’s doors and waited for permission to enter their space. They eventually reciprocated by knocking on each other’s doors before entering. (Be patient on this one — the youngest child seems to experience the least personal privacy and takes the longest to learn how to respect it.)

We belonged to several homeschool support groups over the years, and participated in many activities: field trips, co-op classes and sports, family potlucks, business meetings — a wide variety of situations in which to observe interpersonal relationships. From those encounters, it became easy to distinguish which families exercised respect toward each other. The parents who shouted and demanded attention were also the ones who showed no respect to anyone else, adult or child, family or friend. The students in the group had no respect for those adults — not surprisingly. The adults who were well respected by the students were those who modeled respect to everyone, asking with a “please,” sharing smiles and encouraging words, and not barking orders like a drill sergeant.

If you have recently removed your children from an institutional school setting (or would like to), you probably are experiencing problems with respect. Even if you have been homeschooling for several years, if you currently find yourself surrounded by family members who show no respect to each other, including yourself, you do have a long, slow climb ahead of you — but this mountain can be mastered. You must lead by example, since yours is the behavior you have the most direct influence on. Once you have begun to change your own responses, then you will have the grounds on which to enforce the change in others as well.

Begin with a complete change in your own attitude: recognize that the only direction to take is up and out of this hole that you have dug yourselves into. Follow that with a sincere apology to the rest of your family — spouse and children. Apologize to them for having been a poor example, explain to them why you feel a change in everyone’s behavior is necessary, and give them a few examples of what you will be doing to start changing your own outlook — then follow through on your own list. Either this radical, 180-degree shift will leave your loved ones open-mouthed with shock and an instant dose of newfound respect, or they will be rolling on the floor in convulsive laughter, wiping the tears from their cheeks, and gasping for breath. If the latter scenario happens, calmly walk away, steeling yourself with new resolve, and work all the harder to prove how seriously you are taking this — your family will be won over only through solid, physical evidence. Slip-ups and setbacks will inevitably occur, but asking your family for their forgiveness when you fail, and graciously extending your forgiveness to them for their failures will keep everyone headed in the desired direction.

From time to time, I have found myself in head-to-head disagreements with I-demand-your-respect administrative-types, whether in homeschooling associations or fill-in-the-blank-other groups. When I have been confronted with my adversaries in heated debates, my level of respect for them sinks in proportion to their stubbornness and refusal to listen to any opposing views. Once, however, several months after I had withdrawn my membership from a certain group over a particularly nasty debacle, a member of the opposing side showed up at my front door, genuinely humbled, asking for my forgiveness. Let me tell you — my respect for that person was instantly renewed — and to sky-high proportions! Our friendship was restored immediately, without reserve or second thoughts.

A similar transformation will take place between family members — when sincerity is present. Consider what it would take to earn your respect in a situation between adults, and then apply that to your relationships with your students. Children can sense genuineness and will never be fooled by fakery. For this endeavor to succeed, you must be steadfast and diligent in your attempts to earn their respect. When I obviously blew it as a teacher, I apologized for my ignorance and for my shortcomings and was always rewarded with another chance from my students. When my lessons became tedious or boring, I asked my students for their input and always received wonderful suggestions. When I felt I was not getting proper respect, I made it clear that I knew I was not the final authority on how-to-homeschool, and we all benefited from the sharing of thoughts and ideas and taking second looks (and thirds and fourths…) at what we wanted to accomplish and discussing how we would like to get there.

Whether you are deeply embedded in a pattern of being disrespectful to those you love or you just want to establish good habits before the bad ones take hold, be assured that one person’s attitude is contagious. Be aware of what comes out of your own mouth, monitor what you allow to be said (and done) by others in your household, and set your course for mutual respect. I say again, the only way to get respect is to be worthy of it. Respect is not given away; respect must be earned.

POST SCRIPT
One more, very important way of showing respect is done by not insisting that your activity is the only important activity. Suppose my son is enjoying a video game during his free time, but the kitchen trashcan is overflowing. Tomorrow is trash collection day, and emptying the trash is my son’s responsibility. I go to the room where my son is playing his game and watch the screen for a few seconds to see how intense the action is. When it appears to be at an appropriate lull, I ask him if he can pause the game for a moment. Once the game has been paused, I will kindly remind him of his trash duty, add that it is overflowing now, and finish with my thanks in advance for completing the job. I also add any conditions of whether the job must be done immediately, or if it can wait until he has finished playing the game — with the caveat that the chore must be accomplished before supper or before bedtime, etc.

Allowing my child to finish the activity he is currently involved with sends the message that I see his time as important, too, not just my time. I reap the rewards of this when my children come to me for a favor: they will specify whether they need the assistance immediately or if it can wait a few minutes or a few days. If I were consistently interrupting my children’s activities, demanding that they drop everything to do my bidding, they would soon develop great resentment towards me, knowing that I view them as mere slaves. When I respect their efforts, they respect those efforts as well, and it shows in the results.

Filed Under: Uncategorized

Letter and Number Recognition

January 12, 2005 by Leave a Comment

Once upon a time, every typewriter produced the exact same font and all printed books looked pretty much the same. Once upon a time, everyone learned handwriting in the exact same format, and (when done with care) nearly everyone’s handwriting looked the same as anyone else’s. I remember being fascinated that each of my teachers could write on the chalkboard exactly like each of the other teachers. (My own handwriting never quite measured up.) Now we live in a computer-driven world, with no limit to the designs of fonts available. This can present real difficulty for some children in recognizing the similarities and learning their letters. The same problem exists with numbers, sometimes posing an even greater stumbling block.

We overcame this obstacle with a simple, inexpensive, and fun activity. We made a notebook containing samples of each letter (one letter per page), and another notebook for numbers. We scrounged through newspapers, old magazines, and junk mail for examples to be included in our books. The children soon became great detectives, learning to decide for themselves if a certain letter was an “m” or an “n,” or a “P” or an “R,” and “Mom, is this right?” was heard less and less. Children are always attracted by scissors and glue, so the motivation was simple.

Many alphabet books will display numerous objects beginning with each chosen sound, but few will bother to show each letter in different fonts. I remember being stumped as a very young student when my older sister showed me the author’s name on her latest Nancy Drew book and asked me if I could read it. The name, CAROLYN KEENE, was printed in all upper case letters. I was learning to print my name with only a capital “C” and the rest in lower case letters. There seemed to be something very familiar about the author’s name, but it still did not look quite right to me. A generation later, I shared this story with my own children and explained my early confusion with the use of upper and lower case letters. As we assembled our letter notebook, we included both upper and lower case examples, making the variety of letter appearances much less confusing to them.

Our number notebook had individual pages for 0-19, and then grouped pages for the 20’s, 30’s and so on. Once the children had understood the concept from the letter notebook, the number differences were more easily grasped. The 0-9 pages were the most important, since they showed the variations in fonts and all the other pages built upon that principle. We did include a few pictures, usually clipped from grocery ads, showing groups of 3 apples or 5 bananas or a six-pack of soda cans.

The notebooks themselves were scrounged from whatever we had already lying around the house: old 3-ring binders and loose-leaf filler paper, or leftover spiral notebooks with just enough pages remaining. Making the notebooks was the primary exercise in learning the lesson; once the notebooks were completed, we rarely returned to look at them again, unless it was to add another unique example.

Children, from those just beginning to learn their letters to those beginning to read, will benefit from a lesson in the varieties of font designs. A few pieces of paper bound together in some form of booklet, scissors, and a glue stick will be the basis for your simple lesson. All you have to add is junk mail.

Filed Under: Activity Ideas, Math, Reading, Tactile Learning, Visual Learning

The Bible Is Relevant to My Life Today?

January 10, 2005 by 1 Comment

“I didn’t know the Old Testament could be relevant to my life today!” She was a homeschool Mom, a good friend of mine, and a long-time believer. I was really excited to share some scriptures with her from Jeremiah that were confirmation and guidance for a spiritual battle she and I were going through together. I was floored. Could there be a Christian within my sphere of influence who did not know the power of the entire Bible? How could a believer today not depend on the wisdom of the Old Testament to supplement the grace of the New Testament? The lesson I learned that day was that I should readily share my love of God’s Word with my friends as well as with my children so that they may learn a better appreciation for its timelessness.

Short, spontaneous lessons applying scripture to daily life help our children see that the Bible touches all areas of their lives. Even if I do not know the verse perfectly from memory, I can still give my children the benefit of seeing that God’s Word is living and active by paraphrasing the verse until I get my hands on the concordance software to find the actual quote.

Proverbs 22:6 “Train up a child in the way he should go, even when he is old he will not depart from it.”(NASB) The New Living Translation says it in a way I like even better: “Teach your children to choose the right path, and when they are older, they will remain upon it.” I am not raising children; I am training adults: productive citizens, valuable members of society. What are you making for dinner? Water, meat, and vegetables — or soup? Children are the raw materials — responsible adults are the goals. Children are very anxious to grow up, and they will be equally anxious to learn when they realize you are trying to help them grow up.

I Samuel 15:22 “Has the Lord as much delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices as in obeying the voice of the Lord? Behold, to obey is better than sacrifice, and to heed than the fat of rams.” Yes, it is a very nice drawing, and I can tell you have worked very hard on it. However, what I had asked you to do was to pick up all your Legos and put them away. You did not obey. Do you understand the difference? Now you go back and pick up the Legos while I put this picture on the refrigerator.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 “There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event [delight] under heaven…” Do not get so wrapped up in schedules that you miss taking “gorgeous days” off. If this lesson just is not working, put it away for now; in 2 days (or 2 weeks, or 2 months) things will be different and it may work just fine.

Luke 15:4-7 “What man among you, if he has a hundred sheep and has lost one of them, does not leave the ninety-nine in the open pasture, and go after the one which is lost, until he finds it? And when he has found it, he lays it on his shoulders, rejoicing. And when he comes home, he calls together his friends and his neighbors, saying to them, ‘Rejoice with me, for I have found my sheep which was lost!’ I tell you that in the same way, there will be more joy in heaven over one sinner who repents, than over ninety-nine righteous persons who need no repentance.” We usually think of salvation with this parable, but we can also apply this to teaching: if one child is straggling behind, the lamb’s wool is caught in a thicket, that student is stuck on a lesson — go and find where that lamb is stuck and help him get free to move on. Find the way to help him gain understanding.

James 1:5 “But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all men generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him.” ‘Nuff said.

I may not have an impressive amount of Bible verses memorized verbatim, but I do know what the Bible says about many different topics. God has stirred my heart on many occasions with the perfect Bible story to share with the day’s events. Sometimes I know exactly where the desired verses are located, and sometimes I have to spend a little time searching for them, but in the end, I can read the passage with my family and show them where God’s Word speaks to today’s circumstances. The Bible is relevant to our lives today.

Filed Under: Homeschool How-To's, Scripture Applied to Homeschooling

The Wise Man Learns from the Mistakes of Others, The Fool Has to Learn from His Own

January 5, 2005 by 4 Comments

Before you reach for your concordance, I will admit that the title is not a verse from Proverbs. It is, however, a teaching from the book of Proverbs, stated many times in a variety of ways. As King Solomon put it, the fool is incapable of learning anything from anyone else. If we can find a lesson to be learned in any situation, we make ourselves wise.

My family has often analyzed the conversations and actions of others, not for the purpose of ridicule, but in order to learn valuable lessons ourselves. We have also analyzed circumstances and commended the person involved for the way they handled it: it does not have to be a mistake in order to learn the lesson. I am a firm believer in learning from others, if only to avoid the pain and embarrassment of having to go through their mistakes myself. I also have used the actions of others many times as examples with my children. “Do you think she reacted properly in that situation?” “How could he have handled that differently?” “What would you do if you found yourself in similar circumstances?” “How do you think that situation could have been avoided?” We readily apply this technique to analyzing literature — why do we hesitate to apply it to real life?

Much too often in Christian circles, people are rebuked for analyzing the actions of others, under the pretense of “avoiding gossip.” In my experience, those who scolded the loudest have been those with the most to hide, and were striving only to keep their own faults away from public scrutiny. Gossip cannot wait to share the latest juicy detail; gossip must be the one to divulge a secret. Compassion withholds details and keeps secrets, but may, in a private, controlled environment, analyze what went wrong or what could have been done differently to affect a better outcome the next time.

After spending a few years in separate colleges, my daughter and a friend were enjoying a day of “catching up.” As they discussed old friends and where-are-they-now’s, my daughter remarked that certain ones would definitely not follow through on their chosen paths. A few months later, as predicted, the drastic changes occurred. When the two girls got together again, the friend was amazed at the accuracy of my daughter’s foresight — which was explained based on reviewing the friends’ histories. Patterns of poor decision-making had simply continued, true to form. The girl had never noticed the patterns in her friends, even though she had known some of them for many years. My daughter had recognized and analyzed previous poor choices by those specific friends, and it involved very little risk to predict their future behaviors.

If we were to point fingers with a haughty attitude and puff ourselves up for being superior to those around us who make mistakes, we would become the ultimate fools ourselves. If, however, we see lessons we can learn in every circumstance of life, we will grow wiser with each passing day.

Post Script…

It is clear that I put more emphasis on observing the poor decisions of others than I put toward studying their successes. To my analytical mind, it is much easier to pinpoint where a plan derailed than it is to notice all of the steps that went right in creating a success. It is impossible to know all of the planning and behind-the-scenes preparation another person goes through, often leaving me to wonder how they affected the desired outcome (what percentage was due to careful planning, networking, dumb luck, or God’s divine providence?). If I chose to follow the steps of a successful person, I would be more likely to imitate the details that I felt were critical, but in reality may have been insignificant, and miss the crucially important decisions that lie hidden.

Filed Under: Behavior, Encouraging Your Student, Family Unity

Current Events 101

January 3, 2005 by Leave a Comment

Tsunami disaster. Catastrophe. Utter devastation. I find these phrases to be sorely inadequate. I still have a home, clothing, food, drinkable water, and my family. I live in the most prosperous nation in the world. I have no true needs. I will give from this abundance.

School is not always history; sometimes the best learning starts from things happening in our own world at our own time. The current headlines can be used to give your students an awareness of world events outside their safe and cozy environment. On September 11, 2001, my son’s curriculum changed dramatically to include Current Events 101: using TV news reports, newspapers, and the internet as our resources, we developed our own course, day by day. While that event was much closer to the American heart, this most recent event has much more far-reaching effects.

This website has been visited by readers from India, Indonesia, Malaysia, Singapore, East Africa, and many of the European countries whose citizens were in the South Asian area at the time of the earthquake and resulting tsunami. My husband’s co-workers made trips recently to the same region. Another has financially adopted several children in Thailand and has traveled there several times to do what he can for them. My daughter has an online friend who returned from a visit to Thailand’s beaches only weeks before this tragedy hit. We have dear friends who have recently moved from Iowa to Hawaii, joking that the weather is much more favorable there — no tornadoes, only tsunamis to worry about. They are no longer in a joking mood. That former missionary had bouts of recurring malaria while staying at my home — but she also had the proper medication with her. Without anti-malarial medicine to kill the parasite, the patient will die. I can see both the current tragedies from the tsunami’s path and the future peril of disease that will inundate these regions.

Perhaps I am seeing this tragedy more clearly through newly-opened eyes, but I feel this should be shared with our children. In words appropriate to their ages, talk with your students about what has happened and what will happen. Discuss it with them in ways suited to their level of comprehension, being careful not to frighten the small ones. Children can understand more than we usually give them credit for, and they will inevitably see and hear things that relate to the tsunami tragedy. If you make the subject available for discussion, you can be sure your children will get the proper perspective and understanding of the situation. Death does not need to be the primary focus, especially for younger children, even though record numbers of innocent victims have lost their lives or their family members. Your older students can be allowed to delve more deeply into the news reports, but caution them to use discretion when discussing the subject around their younger siblings. As the teacher, you can center your study on weather phenomena, map-reading, cultural differences, animal instincts, even why electronic funds transfers are an efficient form of giving — whatever is age-appropriate for your children.

Some children may want to do some type of fund-raising for the international relief effort, and I would encourage that — as long as it is on a scale that fits in with your family’s needs and priorities. Giving should begin at home, and teaching our children to be generous is best done by example. Careful discussions can bring an awareness of others and their needs to our children, helping to eliminate the self-centered focus that often accompanies childhood. Do not be afraid to talk to your children about tragedies such as this, just approach it from a perspective that they will understand and limit your discussions to what their ages can handle.

Filed Under: Family Unity, Learning Outside the Books

Finalist in the Best of Blog Awards!

January 1, 2005 by Leave a Comment

Guilt-Free Homeschooling is in the Top Ten Finalists for Best Education/Homeschooling Blog! Our heartfelt thanks to all our readers and supporters around the world.

Filed Under: Uncategorized
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