Siblings as Best Friends

June 22, 2004 by Leave a Comment

Siblings as Best Friends follows right on the heels of The Family as a Team. Let me first explain my viewpoint on this topic. I grew up as the last of four children, five years younger than my nearest sibling. We were all spaced out over twelve years, a little more room between children each time, leaving me with little in common with my brother and sisters other than parents. Sibling rivalry was rampant, picking-on-the-little-kid was tolerated, and I was miserable. Fast-forward to the point in time when all of us became married adults. My nearest sibling and I became friends for the first time — twenty years behind schedule. When I recognized this wasted relationship and realized that we could have been friends much sooner, I determined not to let my own children waste that time in their own lives.

In teaching my children the lessons of taking turns in game-playing and how playing by the rules is fair to all players, I also tried to teach them that playing the game is fun for the whole time, while winning or losing the game only lasts for a moment. I explained over and over to them how my sister and I never enjoyed playing together as children because we were so hung up on things that did not really matter. We could not see through children’s eyes that friends will come and go, but siblings are forever. My children are not perfect examples, but they do get along most of the time. They have seen friends move away, they have matured at different rates from their friends, they have developed different interests from their friends, and through it all they have recognized that a sibling is always there. Siblings will be there to play with or talk with when no one else is around. If your children can develop solid friendships with their siblings, they will be giving themselves the gift of friends for life.

Sibling rivalry is reportedly at its peak between the ages of 4 and 8. Bear that in mind as you encourage your children to grow and mature and learn to understand their younger siblings’ maturity levels. We parents, myself included, often fall into the trap of expecting the oldest child to be more responsible than his age allows, but we also tend to neglect teaching responsibility to our younger children, allowing them to slide along as Oldest Child assumes the burden of leadership. I am a firm believer that explanations to children, giving reasons why behavior is acceptable or unacceptable, go much farther towards improving the behavior than just a simple “thanks” or “stop that.”

A very vital part of developing sibling friendships is not tolerating torture. If those little people are to become friends and remain friends, they cannot be allowed to pick on each other. Ridicule is out. Incessant tickling is out as well — as a former target of tickling myself, I consider it to be a form of child abuse. Parents, take a good look at the behavior between siblings (or between parents/adults and children as well) and analyze the motivation behind that behavior. Is it encouraging and strengthening to their relationship? Or does it stem from jealousy? A wonderful by-product of sibling friendships is seen when one stands up for another to a third-party antagonizer. If you do not defend your sibling, who will? And if they do not stand up for you, who will?

What better way to demonstrate Biblical principles and God’s agape love than to point out selfish, unacceptable behavior for the sin that it is and then replace it with true Love. “Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends.” (John 15:13 NASB) Use the opportunity to show your children the scriptures and remind them of how Jesus put His own needs and desires after those of others. Jesus did not demand His own way: He served.

Now a quick word about “extended” families: We have discovered recently that college roommates can become new siblings. When children have mastered sibling relationships, they are able to go off to college and successfully reside in a small dormitory room with total strangers. They simply treat the strangers as “new siblings I haven’t met before.” The college roommates do not always come with the siblings-as-friends philosophy as standard equipment, but they can catch on quickly! My daughter’s college friends (male or female) and roommates responded very well to being included as new members of our family. Sadly, many had never been treated with respect before in a family situation and loved the idea of not being ridiculed or picked on.

Filed Under: Encouraging Your Student, Family Unity, Homeschooling as a Lifestyle, Parenting, Sibling Relationships

Family Is Spelled T-E-A-M

June 18, 2004 by Leave a Comment

Alexandre Dumas said it best in The Three Musketeers: “All for one, and one for all.” My family is a singular unit, even though it appears to be made up of individuals. We work together to accomplish our common goals, with unity of purpose as a wonderful side benefit.

For example, each one of us has learned how to operate the washer and dryer for doing laundry, a common practice in many families. However, in this family, if one individual needs a specific load of laundry done, he/she does not simply do his/her own laundry. Instead all family members are questioned to find out if anyone else also has items to be added to that load — a practice that promotes teamwork and unity, rather than selfishness and isolation.

Other household chores are also done with a teamwork principle, rather than being assigned in turns. Each chore is usually done by only one person at a time (or with Mom’s discipleship), but we do not always schedule who is going to do it next. Our goal is “getting the job done for the good of the family.” “Taking turns” is a valuable skill, most often used in playing games and other recreational pursuits. Taking turns does teach patience and sharing. However, in a home environment where all members benefit from the performance of a specific duty, all members should be ready and willing to perform that duty whenever it needs doing. Emptying or loading the dishwasher; taking out the trash; washing, drying, and folding laundry; sweeping, vacuuming, and dusting; lawn-mowing, leaf-raking, and snow-shoveling — these are regular household chores that benefit all members of the family and therefore get done by all members of the family. Ever-present Mom usually acts as superintendent, assigning chores as needed to whomever is available, but we all understand that if one person is not available to do it this time, chances are good that he will be expected to do it another time when he is available. Substituting for each other ensures that each person knows how to do each job and also builds the family-as-team concept.

A sidebar issue to “This Family Is a Team” is “Siblings as Best Friends.” You may be in disbelief at this concept depending on the ages of your children, but give me a chance and I will explain.

Filed Under: Family Unity, Home Chores, Homeschooling as a Lifestyle

Who Wrote This “Rule Book” and Why Do I Think I Have to Follow It?

June 14, 2004 by Leave a Comment

It took me a few years to learn how to homeschool. At first, we tried to duplicate school at home. Bad idea. Public school held too many bad memories for my daughter, and she needed to be freed from that bondage. My son had only experienced Kindergarten at the public school, so he did not have as many preconceived ideas of what school was supposed to be like and readily accepted whatever we did.

Each successive year brought new changes for us as we relaxed more and more and allowed formality to drop away in favor of a more comfortable, Guilt-Free style. I stopped keeping a detailed journal of what my students accomplished each day. I developed a check-off chart system for lesson plans that showed where we were in our schedule and made the journal redundant. I relaxed my schedule to allow for unexpected illnesses or unplanned days off. I realized that time off before Christmas is much more valuable than time off after New Year’s. I forced myself to ignore the guilt feelings that came from skipping an uninteresting field trip with our homeschool group. Since my students voluntarily reported on everything they read, we opted to skip the questions at the end of the chapters in science or history and moved on to reading the next chapter. They obviously had learned the material and were just anxious to keep going. We passed over writing assignments in language arts that we felt were especially tedious or irrelevant. I read aloud to my children each day, sometimes several chapters a day when we were in a particularly fascinating book. We kept the learning methods we enjoyed, and we explored other materials for the subjects we detested.

As we began to do school our way, I began to feel more confident. I found myself encouraging other beginning homeschoolers that once you have achieved your second September, you begin to feel like a veteran. You think to yourself, I have done this before. I know how to handle it.

Whenever I caught myself doing something strictly because I thought I was supposed to, without any concrete reason for doing it, I defiantly shouted my new battle cry: “Who wrote this ‘Rule Book’ and why do I think I have to follow it?” It was my own personal declaration of independence. I had realized that there are as many correct ways to homeschool as there are correct reasons to homeschool. I saw that just because someone else teaches in a certain way, it does not mean that my children will benefit from that method as well.

Another facet of this freedom was discovered when my students confirmed my observation that if the teacher and the student are both at the point of tears, it is not the fault of either of them — the curriculum is to blame. The curriculum itself is not necessarily poorly written, it just does not present the material in the way the student will best learn it. I studied learning styles and discovered that students do not all learn in the same ways. When I changed materials and techniques, each student learned better. (Learned, period.) I began tailoring assignments to match each student’s interests and then practically had to step out of their way — it was like adding gasoline to a flame. The right presentation of the material “connects” with the student in such a way as to promote self-teaching. I no longer had to nag or badger — they would eagerly go through the material on their own.

If you or your students are having difficulties in your homeschool, take another look at what “rule book” you are following. Ask yourself if you are doing things in a way that is comfortable and relaxed and fits your family’s lifestyle, or are you going against the natural grain and suffering the guilt and stress of unsuccessful struggles. Discover your reasons for what you teach and how you teach it, then proceed Guilt-Free.

Filed Under: Curriculum Choices, Encouragement for Parents, Homeschool How-To's, Learning Styles

Summer — a Help or a Hindrance?

June 10, 2004 by 3 Comments

A common question among homeschoolers is: Should you teach through the summer or let your students have the time off? Perhaps your students need extra help on lessons, but you need the break? Summer can be a relaxing time and a difficult time all at the same time. (Sometimes students may choose to use summer to get ahead, but that does not usually upset routines too much, so I will save that topic for a later date.)

Speaking from personal experience, our family did something a little different each summer. When the extra help was really needed to catch up, a 1/2-lesson in math was assigned for each day. However, when only one student was assigned schoolwork and the rest of the household was operating on a looser summer schedule, getting those lessons actually done was often as tricky as threading a needle in the dark while wearing mittens. I must admit, on some days it felt like punishment for both student and teacher, rather than the reality of extra time devoted to learning.

Our best success in retaining knowledge came from playing many games that used math skills during the summer and finding other creative ways to keep using the recently-learned material instead of allowing it to slowly fade into oblivion. Any game using money or keeping a running point score provided painless practice in math. When all the board games and card games became boring, we invented new ways to combine them and keep on playing. The “Gee Whiz Quiz” came about during one of these summers, adding a scavenger hunt atmosphere (and some age-appropriate math) to the well-used game closet.

Once I suggested that my children host a backyard carnival for their neighborhood friends. The planning and preparing of simple, midway-style games kept their minds active in anticipating problems and finding solutions. Another time we researched the solar system and plotted it out across the length of our lot, starting at the front sidewalk near the street and ending at the alley behind our house. Seeing the actual scale-model distances between the planets gave us a better idea of the vastness of the universe. The family vacation could be chronicled as a newspaper for Grandma, or simply journaled one entry per day in a hardcover notebook.

Free reading time has always been a summer favorite. Reluctant readers can be enticed to try something different by letting them watch a video version first to capture their interest. My son watched Jules Verne’s Journey to the Center of the Earth and found it so fascinating that he read the entire book. I try to read a couple of books over the summer, too. It is a recharging time for me, and my students get to observe reading as a not-just-for-kids activity.

Our minds often need the summer break, just as muscles need a rest period after vigorous exercise. Whenever possible, allow the time off, but with a few mind-stretching activities mingled in to keep the thinking processes sharp. Encourage your students to use their “free time” to expand their knowledge of a hobby or pursue an interest they do not usually get time for during the school year. Just because the lessons are on hold, it does not mean they cannot be learning.

Filed Under: Activity Ideas, Homeschool How-To's, Kinesthetic Learning

Who Taught This Kid to Walk, Talk, and Potty?

June 7, 2004 by 1 Comment

It is my standard soapbox-speech when a young mom hesitatingly asks me if I think she could possibly homeschool. Who taught this kid to walk, talk, go potty, feed himself, dress himself, tie his shoes, say his ABC’s, print his name, sing Happy Birthday, and count to 10? YOU did, Mom, that’s who. Now the government thinks you are not qualified to teach him to read and add 2 plus 2? No one knows this child better than you do; therefore, no one is better qualified to teach him than you are.

It may be true that you do not have a university degree in early childhood education. It may be true that you have never formally studied anything about education. It may be true that you have no idea what you will do about teaching chemistry or calculus. It may be true that you were a poor student yourself in school who barely graduated and never had any desire for continuing your education after high school. Frankly, I do not think any of that matters. I repeat, no one knows this child better than you do; therefore, no one is better qualified to teach him than you are.

When we began our homeschooling adventure, we told our families and friends it was “for a year… to start with… then we’ll see where to go from there.” I knew in the back of my mind that there would be no turning back. I knew my commitment was for the duration, but I concentrated on the present, the temporary, the easier-to-deal-with.

I also knew that the government system had failed to meet my daughter’s needs. I had seen the Kindergarten teacher attempting to manipulate me regarding my son’s behavior. My son, incidentally, was no different from any other 6-year-old boy, not in need of medication or behavior modification or counseling, just in need of space and the freedom to play in it. I was quite confident that I could do a better job for both of my children. I understood my daughter’s headaches that made it impossible for her to do math some days, even though she could still enjoy reading. I understood my son’s desire to tell jokes and perform silly tricks for an audience. I felt I could work around those things and still educate my children. I just needed the encouragement to give it a try.

Let me now be the voice of encouragement for you: You can do this, Mom and Dad. Stop to reflect on all the things you have taught your children already. Let me repeat once again, no one knows this child better than you do; therefore, no one is better qualified to teach him than you are. End of discussion.

Filed Under: Deciding to Homeschool, Encouragement for Parents, Homeschool v. Public School

Living Your Life with No Regrets

June 5, 2004 by Leave a Comment

I do not mean to imply that we should do whatever we feel like and just not care about the outcome. On the contrary, I do mean that we should live in such a way that whatever happens, we can live with the consequences. I attempt to live my life in as Christ-like a manner as possible, so that if I do not get a chance to “do-over” an action or a conversation, I am able to be content with it. Easy? Not a chance. Easier with practice? Definitely!

A large part of that process involves doing things right the first time. Doing things right the first time means I have to be thinking and planning ahead so as not to leave undone something I should do. I must say the correct thing at the right moment. I must exercise my faith in God’s leading to know I am doing the proper thing at the proper moment. At times, it will mean restraining my mouth from a tempting word or holding back a hurtful action, but the outcome will leave me at peace, having no regrets, Guilt-Free. It means living my life in the Spirit of God’s agape love and putting selfishness aside for the sake of others.

Sometimes those “others” will be my own family, who must come before anyone else. I should not do for outsiders what I have not first done for my own husband and children, lest they feel neglected and allow jealousy to creep in. Sometimes my children will share with me in giving, learning first-hand about having a servant’s heart as we work together to serve others.

Occasionally, we all have days that do not measure up to our own expectations. When that happens, stop and count the little accomplishments of that day (in schoolwork and/or housework) to gauge success. (“At least we will all have clean underwear for tomorrow.”) Some days, “attaining vertical posture” must be seriously counted as a goal! Living my life with no regrets means I will not set my own standards too high, I will accept what I did today, and I will try to do better tomorrow.

Filed Under: Doing Your "Best", Encouragement for Parents, Family Unity, Homeschooling as a Lifestyle

Old Dog or Not, Learn Something New

June 3, 2004 by Leave a Comment

My 28-year-old Whirlpool washing machine is history. Bought with our first married-filing-jointly tax refund, it served us well for years… and years… and years. The appliance repairman came once or twice to replace a belt on the motor and enjoyed teasing me about having the only remaining “Harvest Gold” washing machine in town. Hey, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it! Replace the belt when it breaks, but that machine just kept on running. Then this year it developed a little puddle of oily stuff underneath. It made a lot of noise when it ran, and it shook all over when running on its high-speed spin cycle.

Enter the new machine. A front-loading Kenmore (built by Frigidaire) that, while not super-high efficiency or super-high price, is much more efficient than the old machine. Its *slowest* spin speed is faster than the old machine’s fastest cycle. Being a front-loader, this one uses *drops* of water per load instead of the oceans required by the 1976 model.

My point in this random rambling? It is different. It will take some getting used to. I am still dropping clean laundry on the icky basement floor as I transfer things from washer to dryer. And even though I have a Big Birthday looming next week (I prefer to think of it as my “year of Jubilee”), I do not consider myself the proverbial “old dog” incapable of learning “new tricks”. I can master this machine. Hey, at age 39 I learned to play bass guitar for the church worship team. Education is a life-long adventure, and there are a lot of things I am looking forward to learning in my future.

Filed Under: Encouragement for Parents, Learning Outside the Books
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